This Is It

How I’m sitting on my bed writing this post at this time of the day and especially on the first day of the year just baffles me. But I’m pretty sure that’s how growth smells. Choosing anything that has to do with peace of mind, and just peace and more peace.

Looking back at last year, I was always in a hurry to leave the house to have fun. I thought that was happiness. One thing that I jumped on as fast as I could last year was “do what makes you happy.” And so I did a lot of things. Oh, a lot. It made me happy, but most times it didn’t make any sense, and it also didn’t bring any sense of fulfillment.

So in the end, it was very conflicting. Was this me being happy, or I don’t know how to even describe it? But one thing I realized was the anxiety. I was always anxious. All the time. I would wake up so anxious about things I have no idea about, things I knew. So more like everything and nothing.

This made me question exactly what it meant by do what makes you happy. Was it that I was doing the wrong things or happiness had a different meaning? Was it that I was missing something? Endless questions.

Today, I realized happiness is actually relative. So to others, happiness means anything that you do to bring you all those smiles, laughter, and sense of fulfillment. I could go on and on. For me, I rediscovered it meant just one thing: peace.

You see, I’ve always been scared of not living in the moment, not living, not thriving, you know, all those things about living. So I would normally jump on any train going to any fun destination to have fun, tick things off my bucket list, and think, "Oh yeah!" I’m living exactly the life I want to live. But I was still meh.

Tell me why I’m not out with people. I’m not on a date or anything; I’m just here in bed but so happy. I can’t describe this feeling, and I don’t have the right words, but this is it. And I’ve been waiting for this the whole year. I feel so peaceful, and I have this sense of fulfillment. I must say psychologically, I’m in a very beautiful place.

But if someone told me I had to just stay in bed to experience this feeling, I would have argued my way out. If someone told me peace was my definition of happiness, I would have booed him.
I don’t know exactly what you think happiness is, but if you’re not finding it, maybe you should redefine what it is for yourself.