The return of lost memories

As I was painting today a memory came to me from the past - I remember sitting in my first rental apartment in Finland thinking, what have I done wrong in my life to be here. Less than a year earlier, I had been living in Australia, had my own house, a decent job with some career options and a pretty girlfriend. Now, I was sitting alone in a tiny apartment, which was in poor condition, with a full-time job that paid just above poverty level. Conditions can change quickly.

This spurred another thought that had come a long time ago and I had accepted. I was never going to be well-off and, I was unlikely to ever own a home. I just didn't see how it was possible, unless I married someone rich - which I didn't. The challenge for someone like me to get a job in Finland that would be able to carry home ownership just didn't make the possibility seem likely and I figured that the best I could do was an apartment of some kind. It is almost 12 years ago since I bought my first apartment with my ex, 6 years ago since I bought the second with my wife and less than a year since we bought this house.

I was thinking about my past thoughts and wondering if I am somehow "proud" of getting to where we are today - struggling financially to get the house we bought livable.

A house is the largest purchase that most of us are ever going to make in our life and unfortunately, it is getting harder and harder for younger people to even get to the point they can buy a house. In Finland for example, a person needs at least 15% percent of the purchase price in cash, which means that for an average duplex of 300K, 45 in cash is needed. That is a lot for a young person, unless they have parental support to put up the funds or their own house as a guarantee.

It was because of this that I never thought that I would be able to get a house myself, as I have no inheritance and no guarantee available and, collecting that kind of money getting paid what I do, would take years - let alone if I was still earning that poverty salary from when I first arrived. Without that support, it just seemed out of reach.

What put it in reach was that the first apartment I bought with my ex, I held onto after we broke up. We renovated it together and I paid her the value of it at the time and had to take a loan for the difference in what was left. But a few years later, I was able to sell it for significantly more after renovating it a little more. By this stage, I was with my now wife and we used the gains to buy another place that we renovated fully and was able to sell recently for a decent profit. This gave us the deposit for the house and a little for the renovation.

However, I am over 40 and it has taken me almost 20 years to claw back to this stage and a lot of work. I think that because of this journey, I am very enthusiastic about the house itself and perhaps to the annoyance of people who read these posts. Maybe for some, getting a house isn't anything special as it is just another rung on the ladder of life - for others, it might be or seem so far out of reach it is irrelevant. I can't say what it is for everyone, but for me it tells of a journey that I have taken in conditions that would be considered sub-optimal for individual success. Don't misunderstand, I do not consider myself a success in Finland, but I was also thinking about the foreigners I know who have managed to build a life here and how hard it has been for them.

My own father was a foreigner and did similar in Australia, which gave his children a lesson in life in many ways - but it was difficult for him. I know that while he didn't achieve all he wanted with his career, I think at least for most of his life in Australia, he felt he had done pretty well and beaten the odds in some way. I don't know if it requires living long-term abroad in a strange country to really understand this.

Most people in the world don't really know what it is like to start a life from scratch with no safety net, as generally, most people have family and friends or at least a local culture that they know to rely on. Most have built up some kind of capital, even if it is social capital, that can be used to soften or overcome some hurdles.

I don't know how many have truly felt alone and trapped in what seems like an inescapable prison of economic hardship, but I consider that in a lot of western countries like I live in, it isn't that common for locals, as there is always something familiar to count on.

When I sat in that crappy apartment and asked what I had done in my life to be here, my head ran through a lot of the decisions I had made, including coming to Finland and staying when I had the option to go back to Australia after my mother had died of cancer. I chose to stay because I felt that I hadn't experienced enough, I hadn't lived enough, I hadn't done what I set out to do - build a life.

I wasn't ever planning to stay here, get married and have a child - the life I was looking to build was the maturity I would need in order to develop myself, have a decent career, have valuable relationships and be able to face the world without as much fear. I lived in a lot of fear before coming to Finland, the main source and driver was my health - eventually - I said "fuck it, I will live with it, rather than not live with it."

My favorite saying in Finnish is:

Tee, tai itke ja tee"
Which translates as:
Do, or cry and do.

I haven't cried since I was a young teen. There have been times where I probably should have, but I had more important things to do at that time, crying wouldn't help do them.

I think that we all suffer through life and most of the pain is caused by ourselves and our thoughts, not the actual reality of the situation. It is unhelpful to compare my situation to others as we all live our own experience, but I know that there are people far worse off than myself-. What I wonder is, how many feel like I felt, that a different experience isn't possible and, is it possible to overcome to the extent that a person can start along the path to that better experience to see.

Do you think you are going to be in a better or worse position in ten years from today?

Ten years ago, I had just broken up with my ex-girlfriend and lived in the small apartment we had together alone. I made a decision that rather than playing computer games to while away the time, I would socialize instead and spent several nights per week dancing salsa. It was also around this time to the day, I met my future wife, though it took another year and a half to move in with me - even though I knew from day one I was going to marry her.

It is funny how life works and it is interesting how we as individuals feel about our experience at any given point in time. When things are going well, we complain about irrelevancies - when they are going badly, we might just sit there, doing nothing, depressed and broken - wondering where it all went wrong or, why it never went right. Feelings are fickle creatures - best pay them little heed.

The house for me means more than a roof over my head in many ways, as it kind of symbolizes my journey through Finland so far - which has been a lot of trials and errors, a few wins along the way, and a massive amount of work. I think that if I had stayed in Australia my life would be very different than it is today, because I wouldn't have experienced that feeling of utter desolation in my being, like there was nothing left, nobody left, an unmitigated sense of loss. As hard as it has been and likely will be in the future, I do think I am a better person for having lived it.

A good life, doesn't mean an easy life. Quality of life doesn't mean comfort.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]