In a frame of redundancy

The last couple days have been been a little bit disjointed from a family perspective and at the same time, there has been a flurry of activity around the house, with 4 groups of tradespeople working in different areas of the house, and the window group working all over the house. Other than a small case of dyslexia on the sizing of one window where two numbers were mixed up, all the windows have been changed over now and after the painting work is completed at the end of the month, they will do the finishing on the outer frames. The looks have changed.

A good friend called me today to offer his condolences on my father's passing and it reminded me of the last time I saw my father face to face. In this respect, I am both lucky and unlucky - I am lucky that I get to remember him as he was, 9 years ago, healthy, laughing, joking around challenging people to silly little competitions, as he did all his life. However, although I know this is not how has been at all for a long time, it also feels strange to have that memory of him pass, as after all, he is healthy in my head.

It is funny how the mind plays little tricks on me and tries to warp reality to fit its own perspective into the frame. Of course, none of us can have all the information but our brains do tend to focus poorly on what actually concerns us and often, it is drawn to what makes it feel good or, what is attractive and compelling. Like the rejected terrible singer from a reality show hearing the criticism, "I have never heard anyone like you, it was terrible" and telling others that the judges said, "I have never heard anyone like you" as if it is a positive statement. Anything to protect the ego.

Little mental tricks that make us feel better about ourselves, to feel that we gave it our best shot. It is a type of protection and security, but deep down me might feel the truth, that we could have done more. However, we might feel that truth without it actually being true as well, where we feel we should have or could have done more, even if we actually did do the best we possibly could have done. Maybe we are generally hard-wired to feel we are lacking.

I know for me, I could have done more for my father in many ways and while I have plenty of reasons why I didn't, they feel like plenty of excuses. Especially right now. I do know that I will never get the opportunity to say anything to my father again, but I also know that he knew I loved him and he understood and encouraged that we should each make our path in life, even if it means being apart from those we care about.

As a parent myself now, I am dreading doing the same for my daughter, but the same I will. The chances of her leaving home and living away from her parents is high, as not only is she a dual mother-tongue speaker, the world is changing and it is likely that the opportunities available will require mobility. Also, she is the child of an immigrant who is a child of an immigrant, who was a child of an immigrant.

At least four generations of immigrants and four different countries. While none were well off, all managed to make a place for themselves in their adopted country and be a core part of the community. A lot of people think immigrants move for a better life and think that means an easier life, which is not the case at all. It is hard starting from scratch, even harder in a foreign country with no backup, no network, no friends, no family. It can be very hard work to get anywhere and, there is no safety net for the setbacks.

I never fully appreciated this side of my dad's life until I moved to Finland and felt it for myself, felt what it is to work harder than most for less, while simultaneously being looked upon as a freeloader - and this is now, not the 1960s. As someone rightly said the other day though about me, I don't actually mind these kinds of challenges, I see it as being able to overcome and pull out the other side without having to be scarred by the experience. I know that my dad faced a lot in his life, I know that he was also the most accepting and forgiving of others, no matter the slights or attacks against him.

It takes a special person not to hold a grudge, to accept the slap on the cheek and turn to be open to the next. Perhaps he was able to do this with so much ease as for him, there were more important things to spend energy on than limiting opportunity in order to protect his own ego. Perhaps he did it because he was protecting others, taking the slap for them and proving himself so they will have a smoother path, more opportunity in their own lives. Maybe this is why he encouraged everyone including his children to explore the world, be curious and question life - even though he knew that in order to do so, he would be left alone - redundant.

I see this in myself and while it pains me to do so, my goal as a parent is to make myself redundant to the extent that my daughter will need nothing from me, that she is truly independent and able to explore her world without having to worry what I might think of the choices she makes. It is my job to raise her so that when she goes into life, she is debt free, that she owes me nothing at all. She may choose to spend her time with me, she might feel grateful for her parents - but there will never be anything to repay.

If I get to that point, I will consider my parenting job done and then I can be grateful for my daughter spending time with me, because she wants to, not because she feels some kind of obligation because I raised her. There is no Return on Investment for a dad, other than perhaps the sense of accomplishment in doing a job so well, it no longer needs to be done.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]