How to Make a Sandwich

in OCD5 years ago (edited)

This is a tough job. Are you up to doing it yourself? Probably not. Studies show that only 19% of Americans (23% internationally) have the broad range of skills required for effective sandwich construction. Take no chances, form a committee.

The Committee will need to have at least two sub-committees, The Committee of the Outside and The Committee of the Inside. Informal nomenclature such as the bread team and the filling team is to be discouraged. If the initial meeting of the full committee results in the required two-thirds vote for a preliminary sandwich design rated 6 or higher on the Slawinski Sandwich Complexity Scale, committee members may wish to designate one or more additional sub-committees such as The Committee of the Condiments or The Committee of Slicing Options. If the preliminary design rates 8 or higher on the Slawinski Sandwich Complexity Scale, the full committee should consider subcontracting parts of the project to a consultant certified by the School of Sandwich Development at Princeton University’s Institute for Advanced Study.

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Prototypes may be constructed of nearly any material (in recent years, high-tensile strength specialty polymers have become the favorite prototyping material for sandwich design committees, less than 8% of the respondents to last year’s Sandwich Design Survey reported that they were still using the formerly popular stone or thatch prototyping materials) but the full committee needs to clearly convey the design requirements to the prototyping team.

The Committee of the Outside will of course closely supervise the growing, harvesting and milling of the grain. When the flour reaches the bakery, it’s usually advisable to have at least one member of the Committee of the Inside present to sign-off on the final baking process. Interactions at the border of the bread and the filler are a critical yet often overlooked feature of sandwich design. The political in-fighting often a result of the conflicting agendas of The Committee of the Inside and The Committee of the Outside can usually be minimized by an effective liaison between the two groups.

The Committee of the Inside (ideally, with a liaison member of The Committee of the Outside present) will supervise the slaughter of animals used for meat production (if a vegetarian or vegan sandwich is being designed, this step is of course omitted) as well as the planting, harvesting and processing of all vegetables, fruits and nuts specified in the Sandwich Design Protocol. It will insure that all of the ingredients are delivered to the final assembly site in a timely manner.

It is absolutely critical that all members of The Committee be present at the time of final assembly. It is strongly recommended (this may be changed to a requirement at next year’s Plenary Session of The International Sandwich Standards Association) that the assembly be performed in a clean room with fewer than 1 part per billion air-borne contaminants). Some Committees have in recent years been moving towards utilization of photonic bread cutters but the tried and true sharp knife is still used by over 87% of all sandwich committees. A steady hand is called for at this stage of the process; a recent study by Dr. Ludmilla Flumberhoff has suggested that as many as 14% of all sandwiches are ruined by inaccurate assembly at the final stage. Months of design work can be wasted in these few critical minutes.

After the sandwich has been consumed, a careful review and final documentation of the project can save future Committees months of reconstructive work.


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That's a rather complex standard to making a sandwich. I wonder if my Cop-R sandwich would make the cut so to speak. I mean what cop in the world does not love walking up to a rolled down window of a questionable actions taker that just finished a Cheese, Onion and Pickle sandwich on Rye bread?

It probably wouldn't pass the mustard test of the inside committee.

We need to get you back into society somehow lol (or at least Cub).

~20% of people in most civilized societies have disabilities due to age (low or high) or other (phyiscal, develipment, disease).

I think your plan needs to be more inclusive in that regard.

Also, how do you plan to promote sandwich making equality among the gender spectrum, sexual identities, indigenous peoples, and visible minorities?