How am I doing so far?
Today, I feel a lot better than I did last week. I've been learning how to surf the tides of my darkness. These days, when I do something good, I'm able to give myself a pat on the back, a few words of appreciation. I also know (and accept) myself a lot more.
Last week, after months (maybe years) of pondering, I made a final decision. It was incredibly hard. With the choice I made, I prioritized myself and my mental health above anything else, because I really don't want to die. I'd rather change things for the better, even if it's hard, even if it costs me a great deal. I'm sure I made the right move; still, a part of me still feels abandoned and awfully misplaced.
What are the scenes from the void ?
Scenes from the void is a series I started on my sketchbook with the intention of portraying the darkest corners of my mind: self-harm, hate, horror. If you're interested, you can see the previous ones following the links listed below.
Scenes from the void pt. 1: mixed feelings, a heart in a blender and a knife
Scenes from the void pt. 2: my hands, my darkness, my blood
Scenes from the void pt. 3: dissolve, dilute, delete
As any keen observer might notice, these scenes aren't inherently ugly, nor are humans. There's always a little beauty in every mess. Through the right eyes, even the wreck we are can be beautiful.
It's been a whole month since my first post here on Hive. I managed to put through twenty pieces of my soul for you to read, judge, acknowledge, or ignore. It's all okay because they were actually meant for me. At the beginning of this process, I promised myself I would be consistent and really put in the work, no matter the outcome or the environment I was in. Some days I've had to bargain with myself, to yield, and that's okay. Most days have been a success.
The rough sketch behind the scene
The concept for today's post came to be one of those days my pain wouldn't let me paint. It was past 10 p.m., and I felt frustrated and a failure. Then, my eyes got caught on a small notebook I keep on my desk, and I thought "why not?". I proceeded to scribble a few sketches for future projects, and you wouldn't believe the joy it brought me. So, here I present to you "Misplaced": a drawing and a poem.
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The final art, straight from the void I am
I think
I might have misplaced
my head
or was it my heart
or was it my hope
I don't know the difference anymore
the monsters inside
they pull, they tear, they break
they shatter
my dreams
I pick up the pieces
sharp as they are
they make me bleed
I don't care anymore
the voices inside
they scream, they cry, they curse
I blame
myself
I turn my head
as far as it goes
I twist it
I rip my skin off
trying to get away
trying to silence them
and although I broke myself in half
at least
I don't hear them anymore
or do I
oh
I've tried to run
but there's no hiding
from myself
would you please hug me
so I can fit back together
would you
can I
I'd like to thank you for reading this. I hope my words resonated with you in some way. If they did, or even if they didn't, I'd like to further connect with you, so I invite you to drop a comment and I'll answer it as soon as I can.
All images & text belong to me, © @beautifulwreck.
Few could ask more.
There is light in all of us - finding the switch can be difficult - and allowing oneself to appreciate oneself, a progression, positive thought or deed, small act of kindness to another...Sometimes it's that moment in which comes a degree of comfort.
It's often hard; difficult. It will cost you a great deal, as it has with me and others. But in taking that path, the decision to take it initially, lies the opportunity to design and create a better reality, or a different one that is not as dark and foreboding. The darkness will always be there, but through injecting light can one illuminate one's life, and that of others.
I wanted to say the above twice. There's light in you and people see it. It seems clear that you do also.
Thank you, Galen, for such a sympathetic and sensitive comment. There's indeed plenty of opportunities to design and create a better reality, and I'm willing to take each and every one of them.
I'll treasure this quote and keep it close, next to my ax, sword, and shield.
You're welcome Eliza. I try to be respectful here, not offer unsolicited advice, and show some support. A lot of what you write resonates with me, and I know with others also, so the thanks goes to you.
I'm glad you like my phrase. I'm a bit of a knucklehead but that just came to me and, reading it back, I sort of like it too. It's just as relevant to me as it is to others.
Keeping it as close to you as your shield, sword and axe must mean you treasure it indeed. That's cool...And I dig that you're a shield-maiden. There's not enough in this watered-down world of ours.
Skol.
Expressing ourselves is so important for our mental health and overal wellbeing.
I am happy that you found this method and this place and that you and I connected :^)
Abraço xx
Thank you, Vincent! I'm happy about that too. I've been investing a lot of myself here on Hive and the return has been amazing. I feel very happy today.
¡Abrazos, amigo!
:^)
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Wahh, here i thought you were going to decapitate me.
*Relief.
Grrrrrr. Why you making scary stuff!
Because the world is a scary place!
Want a hug and a cup of hot cocoa to let go of the fear?
Si, por favor :<)
Say no more. Sending it your way ASAP!
I want FRESH BLOOD!
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS!
Well, I must say I know your words well. Things come and go like that, but the intensity does dwindle as one gets older. Hang in there, my friend. I certainly don't have any answers, but know it too well
Thank you for your kind words! I'm hanging in there, and have no intention of letting the pain win. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and to connect!