You've built a dramatic setup here and it has the makings of a good tale.To develop it further you could try showing some of the moments from your scenes instead of summarising them. It would make the emotional impacts land with more impact. Your story would also benefit from a light edit to smooth out sentence flow. We note that you have commented on two other stories and appreciate this. We do, however, ask writers to make their engagement as meaningful as possible.Your story has a lot of potential. Keep writing!