As Officer Hartwell leans forward and grab his cup of coffee, he hears the captain voice over the phone as he reassures the Mayor that he would be at the celebratory ball later that evening, he leans comfortably into his chair to settle for what he thought would be a routine day at the office.
As he starts to slowly dose off, he is startled by the suddenly ringing of the telephone (it barely ever rings), as he rushes to pick up the phone,he hears a breathless panting voice barely audible that he strains to hear what it has to say.
He barely hears the voice crying,Help she's gone crazy, she's got a baseball bat and a tomahawk,she's been chasing me around town and I have no idea why, send patrol men to the city Park I'm headed there right now before it cuts off abruptly.
Kids this days seem to be taking pranking to a whole new level he thought as nothing strange has ever happened in the sleepy little town,save the teens always thinking of new ways to prank just about anyone.
As Tom stares hopefully from his hidding place under a thick brush expecting the police to show up anytime soon,he thinks about what might have driven Lara to want to brain him with a baseball, was there anything he was missing her birthday perhaps or an anniversary? But that was like three weeks ago and her birthday wasn't supposed to be for another week.
But that wasn't enough reason for her to want to kill him because she didn't look she was playing when she swung the bat at him or narrowly miss him in the truck.
Where is the damn police when you need them he thought barely keeping together.
He heard someone walking slowly around, thinking it must be the officer sent to check up on him he swiftly crawls out of the bushes,Only to come face to face deranged looking lady holding a bat in her hand and smiling maniacally.
Fancy seeing you here Tom she sang out Happily as she stepped towards him,hold still you have something on your face she said as she swung the bat towards his face with a ferocity that surprised him, as he dove backwards falling down hill.
In his office, Hartwell had a second thought and decided to check the park incase the teenagers decided to go cause a raucous and damage public property, as he arrived in his squad car, he saw a middle age woman walk into the park brandishing a baseball bat.
He barely gets a better look before hears his name and turns to see his dog walker wave to him across the street,as he turns around the woman seemed to have vanished into the park.
As he tries to trace her steps he hears a screams and runs towards the area.
As he arrives the area he sees the woman raising a bat to brain a barely conscious man and the follow, putting and energy into hiss run, he pulls his stun gun and shots at her as the bat swings down.
As Tom regains consciousness, he wakes up in a hospital bed, his arm in a sling.
As the Door opens his wife walks in with the sweetest smile on her face
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Hello @octaviusx,
I'm trying to figure out if this is a study in mental illness or if the story is meant to be humorous. It doesn't really seem funny. I think we need to know more before I make a comment that is meaningful. Right now, there are a lot of unanswered questions in my head. Maybe you can resolve them, or add something to the story that answers some of the questions. Ordinarily, we don't curate stories that feature violence, but here you don't focus on the violence so much as the crazed woman, fearful man, and perplexed detective.
You set up a good dynamic. Getting the reader's attention is the hardest job an author has. You got my attention. I'm willing, eager to read more about this peculiar situation.
Thanks!
Thank you for your feedback, it wasn't meant to be a funny story,I meant the reader to try to figure out what might have happened.
Sorry its my first time writing a stories.
Your first time! That is amazing. You did such a good job of catching my attention that I thought you were used to writing stories. You pulled the different elements together well, for a first time story writer.
Often, when people try to write stories they see a scene in their imaginations. However when they write the scene, they cannot let us, the readers, see them. I was able to imagine your story.
I happen to like stories that have a resolution, that end and don't leave me hanging. That's called completing the arc. Most stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. Stories, are driven by conflict. You certainly have the conflict. A woman running around with a bat, chasing her husband, is certainly conflict.
The next time you write for us, and I certainly hope you do, keep in mind that we don't welcome really violent stories. This one came close but since you didn't dwell on the husband's injuries and the actually smashing (ha ha), it's OK.
I'm sorry if I was rude. My comment was intended to help you form a more complete story. From your writing, it was was not evident that this was your first story. Good job for a first story.
thank you, please vote my post
:)
What a great scene you set up. Your characters are interesting. The story is intriguing as far as it goes...maybe even funny. I would be nice to read a little bit more about what was driving the wife to chase her husband with a bat.
Thanks for posting this story in the Ink Well community. Have you read and commented on the work of at least two other writers this week? (See The Ink Well community rules on our home page.) This helps our community thrive, and also makes you eligible to be chosen for a spotlight in our weekly highlights magazine. Thank you!
Greetings, @octaviusx
Congratulations on your intention to write literature. This is a goal that is achieved by doing what we want to do, i.e. a goal that is achieved by writing.
You might want to check out the writing tips you can find on our community home page.
Thank you for your feedback
@octaviusx, you have a rather interesting story line here. I was a bit confused, however. If Tom's wife has gone crazy, and the police officer shoots her in the park, how does his wife walk into his hospital room with a sweet smile on her face?
I hope you don't mind our feedback. We are here to help writers find their way in this confusing and challenging fiction writing journey! As @agmoore said, we do have some rules around violence, so be sure to check our community rules before posting. (This one is not excessively voilent, but we just want to make sure you're aware.)
If you are interesting in learning the craft of fiction writing and improving your skills, we have some excellent resources. Please see our catalog of fiction writing tips.
Thank you for your feedback,perhaps he had and accident and it was all a figment of his imagination, and I'll be sure to check the tips out. Thank you
Chilling story although I was confused at the end. Very well handled plot.