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RE: Alexander kain

in The Ink Well3 years ago

Gangs in hover bikes and winged cats sounds like a fun read. This is very imaginative, and I enjoyed the scifi world. There are certain conventions in writing fiction that I think could improve the narrative. For example, the last paragraph mixes the narrator's voice with that of the character. You could improve it by separating the two in the following manner:

Looking up at his father, he saw him smile and shake his head.

"This is my life work and some would kill to have it," the father said. "That is why I left you and your mother, I didn't want to put you both in harms way. But something changed, they are tracking you both, we have to get your mother to safety too... When that is done, I'll tell you how we are going to change the world as you know it..."

I edited several things. First, notice that I took out the word "sadly" in the first sentence. You don't need this adjective because the action of the character, the shake of his head, gives the readers all the information that they need to figure out that the father is sad. Avoid telling the reader how a character is feeling and instead show them through specific actions. Second, I broke the opening sentence and the father's words into two paragraphs. By separating the two, it makes it easier to follow. It's like taking a breath to pause before you deliver the key point. Third, I put the father's words in "quotation marks". This is typical in western fiction. The words of a character should be in quotes to make it easy for the reader to follow when a character speaks. I also added the words 'the father said' in the second paragraph to help the reader figure out who is talking.

I enjoying reading your version of the future. Cheers!

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thank you very much for your feedback