Not sure if you'll see this comment bc you posted this piece 4 days ago but I'll try. It was a sweet story, nicely written. Picking up on what theinkwell commented, you may want to try writing solely in the first person point of view from your perspective - it's called participant narrator mode - Google it. You mixed first person and third person modes of narration but it's a mistake easily corrected. What can't be taught is being an artist - I think you are one, You have developed your own voice. I liked the playful, whimsical style. I could see you writing scripts for TV films - you have an ear for dialogue. Keep up the good work!