I missed your fiction <3
I love how this sucked me right in, and what an innovative take you brought to a fairly generalized prompt. How you got all that from "thick and thin". I love that you don't think in cliches, and there are some superb turns of phrase here, like
'Ku,' she wrote in the sand, replacing the word for 'courage,' which itself had overwritten 'love.'
or
For all our time together, I could not grasp Japanese, and Hana's mouth would not twist around my French. Between us were a handful of English words: 'run', 'eat', 'hide', 'fire'. Everything else was fear or tenderness.
This second one, in particular, is the best part of the entire story for me. Hands down. So clear on feeling. It feels tender, which is impressive. I hope you write more fiction, as I love reading you.
If I were to offer some (constructive, I hope) criticism, it would be too many epithets.
a deliberate, thick bold line
I think I get the mood behind this, as an example, but it's three adjectives back to back for one line. I'd cut either "thick" or "bold" (though probably "bold" since it's kinda already clear from the deliberate. A deliberate thick line tells me she is bold already. I'd keep deliberate over bold. It's a better word.)
Maybe it's just me, though. I don't know. Reading is hella subjective, isn't it? Anyway, I really liked the atmosphere in this, both very sad and tender.
Oh gosh THANKYOU for your critique... It's very rare here and I appreciate it. Sometimes I'm just brainstorming words in my head and they roll out on the page like this, so next time I'll experiment with some heavier edits of adjectives and see how it compares or feels. I really appreciate it!!!
Here I guess I wanted to convey her deliberate action in the line, as well as the look of it - both thick AND bold, as opposed to thin and fragile. It was hard because Hana was the kanji - she performed the act of writing it, her emotional landscape affected the characters shape and look, and the characters themselves stood on their own as indicators of emotion, ideas, thought, experience.
To me the words don't all say the same thing, but are nuanced - however, I fancy rewriting this to see how that feels for me and certainly will keep in mind to see if I always write so, or of it was just this piece. Thanks!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I forced myself today to run with a prompt to see if I still could!
Edit... I just reread, before bed, and I SO badly want to rewrite it now as I see exactly what you mean. Honestly, so grateful for you wearing your editorial hat!
It's something I've been guilty of myself and that I'm constantly looking out for, so I guess it makes it easier to pick up with other writers as well xD
I loved that, to be honest (though got it without need for extra emphasis). There's a paragraph where it says just that, that the narrator was able to tell when Hana was angry, had been crying, etc, from the writing alone. I love that detail.
I reckon it's like riding a bike ;)
It is like that. Especially how I write, in loops and going back and changing the narrative perspective to see what feels better etc. I wrote this in limited 3rd then thought the first person was better, then added her audience, then the ending came to me, then I added the French stuff - that's all a fun process to me.