Warmest greetings
I welcome you all to my blog, and being my first post on this wonderful platform, I hope you see the need to comment so as to encourage me to be consistent.
First, let me start by appreciating @gi-de-on for putting me on, because without him I wouldn't have known this platform. He is indeed like a brother to me; please help me thank him. Also, I want to thank @merit.ahama because since I created my account, I have discovered that she is consistent, and I wish to be like her.
And lastly, I appreciate the Inkwell community for accepting me, and the topic for the week is sympathy.
(Image not shown due to low ratings)
Images were hidden due to low ratings.
Welcome to the Inkwell, and welcome to Hive, @famouskey. This is the beginning of an adventure for you that we hope will be rewarding.
You are off to a good start. This story has great strengths and a few weaknesses. We point out the weaknesses to help you develop your writing skills. We emphasize the strengths because they are the best part of writing.
In this story you convey the sense of panic and distress well. Your scene descriptions are excellent. There is an informal rule in writing: show, don't tell. Here you show us Johnson's irrational behavior by describing his actions. You also give us a good character description. This is a sober, hard-working individual. Irrational behavior is not usual for him.
The arc of the story is also good. You build to a crisis and then you bring the crisis to a resolution.
As for the few weaknesses:
Your story would benefit from careful editing. In one paragraph, for example, you repeat a phrase:
Also, in the beginning of the story your refer to culturally specific terms, such as SSCE and ND II with which most readers outside of your country might not be familiar. It is best to leave such terms out unless you define them. But then, defining them might slow down the pace of your story. As a writer you would have to decide how to handle that.
Thank you for sharing this story with the Inkwell community. Please acquaint yourself with our community rules. You might like to consult our Catalogue of Fiction Writing Tips. Also our position on violence. Your first story shows that you have a feeling for writing. We hope to read more from you in the future (please remember to comment on the stories of other authors in the community). Have fun!
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