LIFE WITHOUT A PAUSE

---

---

I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be responsible for anyone, it just happened and I began telling myself it was normal.

My brother, Ethan was sleeping peacefully under the blanket, I envied that.

“Get up,”

“Julie, five more minutes,” he pulled the blanket over his head.

“No. You’ll be late,” I said and tugged the blanket off. “Come on. Get up. Next time, put down the game and sleep early. ”

“You sound just like Mom."

“Maybe I am.”

There was no Mom. She had left months ago, and Dad was never around. That meant it was me. Just me.

No one was going to make sure if we had breakfast or got to school, it wasn’t supposed to be my job. But it was.

---

---

---

---

School was a relief and a worry at the same time for me. Relief because it was quiet and got my mind away from the trouble. Worry because I knew what waited for me at home.

Homework, dinner, cleaning and keeping Ethan out of trouble. I tried to focus in class, but my mind was never there. Did I pack his food right? What about his books?

I always rush home when classes was over. I had to prepare food, rice first then whatever vegetables I could find. Help Ethan with his homework, and mine as well.

“What are you doing?”

“Cooking dinner,” I said.

“Can’t you just buy something?”

“I don’t have money.”

"I want burger. Mum always got me burger."

"Ethan-"

"Mum always knew what to do."

"Well, mum's not here!" I finally snapped. "And she's not coming back. And what? You think I'm happy that I get to do all these...my life's a mess, this is too much for me to handle. And you're not making this any easier for me, Ethan."

"Mum's coming back."

"Please just...go to your room."

I don't even know if Mum was ever going to come back, and I didn't put my hope on it.

What if Mum was here? Would I go to bed and wake up without any responsibility pressing on me. It was just a thought before reality pulled me back. I was sixteen and I was the parent now.

"It's dry." Ethan complained about the toast again. He always complained.

"I know. Eat it anyway."

"I hate you."

"Well, thanks. I don't like me either."

Months passed and it all got used to me. I wasn't working, I tried looking for a place but none accepted me. I dropped out, I couldn't manage to pay for my tuition and Ethan's.

The money left in mum's credit card was only enough for Ethan. And I was going to sacrifice it all for him.

I was in the kitchen when I heard the front door opened and heard Ethan scream. I rushed over, to find Ethan in the arms of...mum?

"Julie, I'm home." I froze. "Julie..."

"Where have you been?" I paused. "Do you know how it's been like? For me and Ethan?"

"I just had to take care of some stuff. But I'm here now."

"Some stuff? Some stuff? I've been doing everything here, mum! I've been cooking, cleaning, making sure Ethan doesn't starve or miss school, keeping this house together and you just...left!"

"I didn't know, listen-"

"You didn't know? Really mum, I'm sixteen. Sixteen! And I've been raising your kid when you were... wherever! Do you even care?" I cried, there was no stopping the tears.

"Julie, I didn't realize. It was also hard for me."

"It doesn't matter, I'm tired...tired beyond words. I've given up my school and my life, do you know what that feels like? To have to be the parent at sixteen? And you just walk back in, like it's all fine?"

"I'm sorry, Julie, I know it has hard for you."

"Sorry is not going fix anything! Sorry doesn't feed him, sorry doesn't make sure he does his homework, sorry doesn't take care of this house, it doesn't make up for anything."

"You're both okay, that's all that matters. Julie, your father left, I couldn't just sit around and expect food to fall from the sky." I sobbed.

"You left without saying anything. Ethan's okay, he'd fed and clean. But I'm exhausted."

"I know I should have been here."

"You weren't. And I've been the one who had to be here. I had to shoulder everything because no one was around, I've done everything I could for him. Mum, I tried and I need you to see that."

She placed Ethan down, stepped closer and wrapped her arms around me.

"Shh...I'm here now. I'm so sorry."

"I'm tired. I'm so tired."

"Shh, I know. I should have been here. I'm sorry." Finally, everything would return back to normal.