Andrew woke up in pain and was feeling strange. Last night he got so drunk that his best friend Eddy had to drive him back home, and threw him like a log of wood on the bed. Eddy said, "Just because you told Elisa that you love her, and she said no; you want to drink yourself to death my friend." Eddy then left. Andrew woke up with a strong headache, right on his forehead. He felt like his head was about to explode.
He went directly to his kitchen to make coffee for himself. While making the coffee, he looked around at his house, and how lonely his life had suddenly become. Tears gathered in his eyes, when he remembered that he'll never see his twin sister again. His heart was collapsing. His coffee was ready - he wanted to have a sip, but felt so angry at life; he smashed the ceramic cup of coffee on the ground.
A piece of the ceramic cup cut into his left toe, even as the hot coffee splashed on his leg. He cried aloud, as he punched the wall, "I just wanna die. I just wanna die." He let himself fall to the kitchen floor, and he remembered the day the police came to break the news to him and his twin sister Anna - that both their parents died in a fatal accident driving back home from the wedding ceremony of his mom's best friend outside town.
He cried, "And now Anna. Why does everybody I love die on me?" Suddenly, he heard a noise from Anna's room. He was shocked by the weirdness of the sound. He stood up, and walked gently to see what was that. He opened the door, and saw her standing mirror scattered on the floor. He looked around, because it would require someone to forcefully strike the mirror, to cause such an effect.
Still surprised at what could have possibly happened. He turned around, and saw a writing on the wall, "Please come help me Andy." He looked at the writing - it was Anna's handwriting. He wanted to touch it, when a big black bird - broke in throw the window. He staggered in shocked, and hit his head against the door. The bird quickly flew out. Now, his heart was pounding. He looked back at the wall, and the writing had disappeared.
He quickly went to his room, and wore a black T-shirt and a blue pair of jeans. He went down to the voodoo shop just around the block. He had been walking pass this shop for years, but never went in. He pushed the door open, and saw the elderly woman who ran the place called Mrs. Doe. He explained his experience to her, and she smiled. He asked her, "This is serious Madam, why are you smiling? Do you think I'm lying?"
She replied, "Of course not, I don't think that you're lying. The thing is that - your sister wants to contact you." Andrew's eyes lit up, "Is that even possible Ma?" Mrs. Doe replied, " Yes, it is. But you'll have to be somewhat dead." Andrew was confused now, "I'll have to be dead?" He whispered. Then he replied, "If I'm dead, what good is the message?"
Mrs. Doe then continued, "You'll be brought back to life. There's a resurrection portion that you'll take, and for some minutes, you'll be dead. But you'll come back to life within about 20 minutes." Andrew stared at her, contemplating. Then he reached a conclusion in his mind, "What's the worst thing that could happen? I'll be dead for real. But I already want to die. If this will help me see Anna again. I'm doing it."
He said to Mrs. Doe, "I'm ready to do this." She called the price, and it was on the high side. Andrew said to her, "I'll hurry to go fetch the money, and I'll be back in a jiffy." He rushed back home, and counted all his savings from his work as a sales boy in a petrol station. It wasn't enough. He called his best friend Eddy, to borrow him some money to complete the amount he needed to pay Mrs. Doe. And Eddy made a transfer to him almost immediately.
Andrew hurried back, and made the payment to Mrs. Doe. "We can begin now. Lie down on the floor right here." Mrs. Doe told Andrew, pointing at the exact spot. She reached for the resurrection portion, and gave it to Andrew to drink. Then she brought another bottle containing a red liquid in it. She said, "Drink this boy." Andrew looked at how red the liquid was, he asked, "And what's this one?" Mrs. Doe replied, "It's poison! It will kill you real quick."
Andrew closed his eyes, and he drank it. In about 2 minutes, his heart stopped beating; and he was dead. He awakened in the same voodoo shop, he heard a voice from behind him, "Andy!" He turned around, and it was his beloved sister. He replied, "Anna!". And he quickly stood up, and they hugged each other tightly. Anna said, "I've missed you Andy!"
Andrew felt so excited, and he replied with a long smile, "I've missed you too sister." And he asked her, "What message do you have for me sister, as you tried to contact me?" Anna replied, "I'm all alone here Andy. I've missed you so much, and I just want you here with me." Andrew contemplated what she just said for some seconds, and replied, "You want me here with you? In what sense?"
Anna continued, "I don't want you to go back. Please stay with me Andy." Andrew replied, "But if I don't go back, I'll be dead." Anna nodded, "Please don't leave me brother." Andrew felt pity for his sister, and replied, "I'll stay with you sister. You'll not be alone." And he hugged her.
ENDING NUMBER ONE
He suddenly heard the sweetest voice he's ever heard, calling out his name faintly, "Andrew wake up!" He recognized the voice. "It's Elisa's voice," Andrew whispered. The voice became louder, "Andrew please wake up! I'm sorry. I love you too!" Anna said, "Please Andy, don't listen to her. Stay with me."
Andrew pulled back from Anna, and said, "But I love Elisa. I love her so much!" Anna cried, "So you'll leave me here. I'll be all alone." Andrew said to her, "Sooner or later, I'll be back sister. I love you Anna, but goodbye for now." Andrew woke up forcefully, and struggled to breath, taking deep breaths and exhaling with pressure. And then he was relaxed.
Elisa said, "I'm sorry about saying no to you yesterday night. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I never thought that I'll fall in love with a coworker. But I'm glad you woke up. I love you too Andrew!" Andrew asked, "But what are you doing in this voodoo shop?" Elisa replied, "Mrs. Doe is my mother." Andrew smiled, as he looked into her dark green eyes and kissed her.
ENDING NUMBER TWO
It was more than 20 minutes, and Mrs. Doe was getting worried that Andrew wasn't waking up. Mrs. Doe tried to wake him up, but he remained dead. She said to herself, "This shouldn't be happening. What do I do?" An idea came into her mind, and she ran to the small refrigerator, she had in the store. Mrs. Doe grabbed a jug filled with extremely cold water, that was gradually freezing.
She ran back to Andrew - lying lifeless on the ground. She poured the cold water against his face in a blast. Andrew woke up forcefully. Soaked with the cold water, he managed to catch his breath. Andrew shouted at Mrs. Doe, "Why did you wake me up? I wanted to stay with my sister." Mrs. Doe was about to respond, when Andrew grabbed the bottle containing the red liquid, which was still beside him on the ground.
Mrs. Doe said, "No Andrew! Don't drink that poison. Without drinking the resurrection portion first, you'll die for real." Andrew without any hesitation, drank the red liquid. Almost instantly, someone entered the store. When Andrew turned around, it was Elisa. Elisa was surprised to see Andrew on the ground in her mother's store. She said, "Andrew!"
Elisa moved her eyes from Andrew, and looked at her mother, "Mom, what's going on here?" Mrs. Doe shook her head, and replied, "He took the poison." Elisa then saw the red liquid container in Andrew's hand. Her eyes became wide open and teary, and she couldn't close her mouth. She fell to the ground, and crawled quickly to Andrew, "But why? What have you done Andrew? I love you Andrew!" Elisa cried. Tears dropped down slowly from Andrew's eyes, as he struggled to say, "I love you!" With his last breath.
The character development is a bit limited. Andrew is grieving and desperate, but not much else is revealed about his personality. Elisa and Anna could be more fully realized characters too. With a bit more character development and descriptive details, the story could be even more immersive.
But it has a creative premise and an emotional core.
Andrew was the main character, and his character was well described as a devastated and angry young man - whose loved ones were all dead, and he was alone in this world and felt miserable. The only thing that could make life worth living for him was - his love for Elisa (a coworker).
I wanted to focus on the action, dialogue and narration of how his beloved dead twin sister Anna - was trying to make contact with him. And the dynamics of how he contemplated between the love for his DEAD twin sister, and his love for a LIVING Elisa. I could have delved deeper, but I had to edit it, so the story could stay below 1500 words - for the sake of readers and curators time. Thanks for commenting.
You provide two interesting alternative endings to your imaginative story. However, this poor MC's life just seems to go from bad to worse. Although its good to show a character whose life is in complete turmoil, you can risk losing the sympathy of the reader but making too much go wrong for him, such that it becomes a comedy of errors - the reader stops believing that all of this could possibly happen to one character.
Your writing would also benefit from the use of an editor to check for spelling and grammatical errors. To this end, the following resources may be of some use to you.
We recommend the article, Help for the Grammatically Challenged, which provides important tips on how to use Google Docs to draft your stories. It will point out errors that need to be fixed, and you can fix them by clicking on them.
The Ink Well is devoted to encouraging quality fiction writing and community engagement. You will find if you take the time to improve your writing and fix grammatical errors, you will receive higher curation on your posts.
Thanks for the feedback and tip.