The Old Tree

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The ancient oak tree stood solitary in the empty field, its knotted trunk and twisted branches reaching toward the cloudless blue sky. Generations of children had climbed and played amongst its boughs, families picnicked in its shade, and lovers carved their initials into its weathered bark. Now it creaked and groaned in the gentle breeze, its leaves starting to turn golden with the coming autumn.

Aiden walked slowly across the overgrown grass, shoulders hunched with his hands stuffed into his pockets. He stopped and looked up at the oak, taking in every crook and furrow of its aged trunk. This was his thinking spot, where he'd come to clear his head ever since he was a kid. But today his head felt too crowded for clearing.

He sat with his back against the trunk and shut his eyes. His mind kept replaying the last words his girlfriend Katie had uttered before storming out of his apartment.

"I can't keep doing this with you Aiden. I just can't."

He couldn't blame her. They'd been dating for over a year but he still struggled to open up emotionally. She accused him of being cold, distant. The truth was he was terrified of letting her see the real him, the parts of himself that he tried to keep hidden away from the world. The ugly parts.

Aiden looked down at his hands, rough and calloused. He imagined them closing around Katie's slender neck, squeezing, watching as her face turned red then purple. A shiver ran through him. Where did thoughts like that come from? Ever since he was young he'd been haunted by these dark urges, violent flashes that exploded in his mind without warning. He did everything he could to resist them, to be a good person. But keeping that darkness contained was exhausting.

Aiden got up and walked around the tree, feeling its bark under his fingers. As a boy he used to scamper up into its welcoming limbs where he felt shielded from harm. The oak had lived through numerous storms in its long lifespan, overcoming droughts and diseases. Aiden took heart from its hardiness and tenacity. If only he could emulate that resilience.

The sound of laughter carried on the breeze pulled Aiden from his thoughts. He peered around the trunk to see a family approaching. A mom and dad each held one of their young daughter's hands, swinging her playfully between them. She wore a bright sundress and her hair was a tangle of blonde curls. Aiden's heart constricted. In different circumstances, that could have been his own family.

He slipped behind the oak and crouched down obscuring himself from view. He didn't want to disturb their idyllic scene. The girl broke free from her parents' hands and scampered gleefully towards the tree, her little sandaled feet kicking up dust. She leaned against its trunk and looked up with wide eyes taking in the web of branches above. Reaching out her small hand, she patted the wrinkled bark.

"It's so big!" she exclaimed.

Her father let out an amused laugh. "This tree here is ancient. It's been growing since long before your mom and I were born."

The girl's blue eyes grew wider. "Woah. How old is it?"

"No one can say for sure, but it's likely over two hundred years old."

Her mouth formed a little 'o' of amazement. She pressed her cheek against the trunk, hugging it with both arms as far as they would stretch. Aiden had to smile. He remembered doing the same thing at her age, intrigued by the old oak's enduring presence.

The mother opened up a picnic blanket and began taking containers of food from a basket. "Lily, come have some lunch!" she called.

"Can I eat under the tree?" Lily asked.

The dad shrugged. "I don't see why not."

They gathered in a shady spot beneath outstretched branches. Aiden's stomach rumbled, reminding him he hadn't eaten yet today. The family laughed and talked as they shared their meal. Lily babbled excitedly about starting school soon. Her parents spoke proudly of their little girl growing up so fast. Aiden observed it all from his hidden vantage point. There was an affection and warmth between them that he'd rarely experienced in his own family. A pang of loneliness pierced through him.

"We should take a family picture under this beautiful tree," the mom suggested after they'd finished eating.

The dad pulled a camera out of his bag and set it up on a tripod facing the oak. Instructing her, he said, "Lily stand right there and give us a smile."

She skipped over and pressed herself against the trunk, grinning widely. Her parents stood on either side, kissing her cheeks as the camera flashed. They looked so happy, so complete.

Aiden took a shuddering breath. Envy coursed through his veins like poison. Why did they get to have this perfect life while he struggled every day against the darkness inside him? It wasn't fair.

Without thinking, he suddenly rushed forward and grabbed the tripod, ripping the camera off violently. The family's smiles melted into confusion and alarm. Lily's dad stepped protectively in front of his wife and daughter.

"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

With the upscale camera still in his unsteady grasp, Aiden's hands juddered uncontrollably. "I...I don't know...I'm sorry..." he garbled hesitantly. His heart galloped, blood crashing like surf in his ears. The murky shadows churning within impelled him toward some senseless and vicious feat.

The dad's eyes bored into him. Just return the camera, and we'll act as if this never occurred. Don't do anything stupid," he warned.

Stupid. That's all he ever was. Stupid, worthless Aiden who didn't deserve to be happy. Before he could stop himself, he threw the camera with all his strength toward the unforgiving trunk. It smashed into pieces that scattered in the grass.

Lily shrieked and her mom pulled her close, sheltering the girl against her body. The dad's hands clenched into fists. Aiden stood rooted to the spot, breathing hard. All he could hear was the blood roaring in his head. After a long tense moment, the dad's shoulders sagged.

"Let's go," he muttered defeatedly, putting his arm around his wife and guiding her away across the field. Lily glanced back at Aiden, her eyes pooled with tears.

The red haze over his mind cleared. Aiden looked down at the shattered camera parts, horrified by what he'd done. He pressed his forehead against the oak's solid trunk seeking solace in its rough texture.

"What's wrong with me?" he choked out. There was a hollow emptiness inside his chest. He had ruin everything, like he always did. He didn't deserve someone as good and loving as Katie. Or any family of his own. He was toxic, poisonous.

The oak's leaves rustled soothingly overhead. As if whispering, it's okay. The tree had weathered hundreds of years of storms. It would endure this too.

Aiden turned and slid down until he was sitting, the bark scratchy against his back. He plucked a fallen leaf and twirled it by the stem. Lily's tears haunted him. She was so innocent, seeing the world as a place of goodness and wonder. He didn't want to steal that away from her.

He knew what he had to do. The thought sent a shiver down his spine but there was no other way. He couldn't keep living like this, hurting people around him. He was better off alone.

Aiden stood unsteadily and placed his hand on the oak's trunk. "I'm sorry," he murmured faintly. He wasn't certain who exactly he was apologizing to. Katie, Lily, the entire world. But above all, to himself. Though it scarcely sufficed, it felt necessary.

With heavy steps, he trudged away across the field, the old tree receding behind him. He needed to make things right. Starting with finding that family and paying to replace their camera. It wouldn't undo what he'd done but maybe it could begin to heal the hurt.

For the first time that day, the darkness in Aiden's mind quieted to a soft murmur. A flicker of hope glowed in his chest. The oak tree would endure, enduring so many seasons, of hardship throughout its life. If it could weather so many storms, maybe he could too.