It's easy to form opinions, about how we think others should be living their lives, when we are just observing from the sidelines. We never do get to see what really happens, behind closed doors. How intertwined two people can become when they are in a relationship. So intertwined, that one may believe that they would have no life without the other. That's why giving advise to those who are in an abusive relationship, is sometimes not the best thing to do. Because they have grown to be protective about that relationship. A relationship that has taken all of their identity, so they believe that they would be no one, if they were alone.
I've experienced this myself, unfortunately too many have. You fall in love and it blinds you. You meet someone who knows how to wear you down. To cut away at your self worth, so that you find yourself groveling for the scraps of love that they show you and putting up with the abuse, because that is what you believe you deserve. What they have you believe, that you deserve.
It's those scraps, that keep you with them. It's almost like an addiction. You put up with anything, just so you receive their affection, their toxic twisted love. Their breadcrumbs. And you become protective of it, protective of them, even though you are being abused. So trying to advise someone who is in an abusive relationship is a tricky thing. Because usually they don't want to see the abuse, they just want to focus on the crumbs.
So instead of advice, I would work on building up their self worth. I have tried in the past to advise a friend, by talking about the relationship and she became very defensive and she distanced herself from me for a while, returning to her abuser. So when she did eventually speak to me again, I didn't mention her relationship, instead, I focused on doing things that she really enjoyed. Bringing her out, reminding her, how much fun she could have. How alive she could feel. Trying my best to remind her, that she had a life outside of her relationship, one that she enjoyed. So we went out dancing, to a few festivals, we went camping, time away, so that she had time to think.
So that she could remove herself from the relationship and reassess her life. Because rushing in with advice, can end up pushing someone away, can end up with you losing your friendship. Sometimes words are not enough, sometimes we need action. To reactivate the person they once were, to help them build themselves back up again.
This is my response to the following prompt, from the Weekly Weekend Engagement contest....
What piece of advice would you give to someone in an abusive relationship and why?
( The photos I used in this post, are mine.)
I knew in a girl, in my old neighbourhood, who was constantly abused by her boyfriend. It was physical abuse. Everytime, he hits her and then apologizes by buying her gifts. And whenever anyone advised her against the relationship, she made excuses for the guy and turned on them. It pissed me off so bad. I wondered how very low her esteem was that she couldn't leave him. It was terrible, to say the least.
Add
And very much, the attitude of the abused to their plights irks me. Every time i hear such storoes, I'm curious to know why they can not put themselves first.
I don't even give advice. We all know better, and frankly, these people never ever listen.
The abuse has eaten away at their self worth, they believe that they deserve no better and the abuser has made them dependent on them, so it is really hard for them to break away unfortunately. x
This is wise advice. You can't have a relationship if you haven't already healed your wounds, or worked on your self-esteem.
When you do, you see a big difference. You stop begging, you respect yourself, you love yourself, and you don't accept things by halves.
Honey is always better than vinegar, they say. Buidling someone up over telling them what they're doing wrong is always a better tactic. However, it's not always the way it works - I think I might write on this one now given my experiences today and with one particular friendship. IT's an interesting question.
Getting out of this kind of relationship requires having reached the limit, understanding that it is unfair to live like this, let alone continuing to be a victim...until the person does not understand this, every attempt made by someone from the outside will sincerely be in vain...It is sad but true.