5 months ago, I just moved into my new rented apartment, elated about life and elated about prospects, then suddenly things happened, lost my brother and all that diagnosis. It still feel unreal because I can't believe everything was good 5 months ago. I think that's where the pain lies. Not knowing how things can just change in 5 months.
It's not like I don't want to be participative. I just feel I can't, really. I do not see the endgame, or maybe it's generally not having the right people (used to think I did) or maybe just one loss and you truly feel the sting of being the only one.
However, in all my fright, I'm still hopeful.
I've changed the course of my life, accepting a new challenge, choosing heavenly, and God-like way of life, I find peace in it.
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Funny how your view on life can change so quickly. I was the same, one day I was fine and the next I was living on borrowed time... Finding peace with it is important, but hopefully you have a lot longer run ahead of you. You never know!