How I Joined The Church Scientology - Chapter One

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It was the middle of the week and I was stuck at work with no customers and nothing to do.

I tried everything to pass the time: reading magazines; chain smoking; origami and I even tried to buy some pills off the homeless guy in front of the store, but I caught him at a low point in his life: crushing up allergy medicine, to sell to the unsuspecting. So no matter how hard I tried, there was no stopping this day from dragging its feet.

Then after Googling images of all the different faces that were ever burnt onto a grilled cheese and then sold on Ebay, a lady walked into the store. I had seen her a few times before, she was in her mid 40s and she seemed very friendly, but due to how busy the store normally is, I had never really talked to the woman, other than ringing her purchases up.

She was extremely memorable, because I had never seen her without an unnatural joker-like smile on her face and her eyes were always opened really wide, like a child on Christmas morning, but the strangest thing about her was that she never seemed to blink or maybe I just wasn’t looking when it happened.

As she walked in, I casually greeted the woman while pretending like I was busy, so maybe she would drop her guard and I could catch her blinking, but she was in a rush, grabbing a few items on her way to the counter for me to ring her up. I couldn’t help myself, I had to know what was going on here, so I took the flattery route:

“Every time I see you, you’ve always got the biggest smile on your face... So I gotta ask, what’s your secret?”

Without any hesitation, she blurted out “That’s because I’m a Scientologist!” And with those proud words my day finally got interesting.

Around this time, the secrets of Scientology were not as available as they are today. The only thing that I knew about Scientology was that both Tom Cruise and Charlie Manson were in it and I once listened to a radio interview, where Art Bell interviewed some guy who made a daring escape from a Scientology compound. Even the cops had to get involved, because the guy was being hunted by dozens of the crazy cult members, who would stop at nothing to recapture him.

So I eagerly pressed on, drilling the customer for information and I learned that the church was having an Open House meeting at 8pm, but then we were interrupted as a few more customers came in. So I quickly had her write out driving instructions while I rang up the other customers and as she handed me the map and said goodbye, one thought popped into my head: “Did she blink?”

In all my excitement I forgot to watch and I couldn’t recall if it happened, but that was soon forgotten as I looked at my new treasure map, where X marks the cult.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Gonzo!... Why would you want to join a cult?”

I wasn’t planning on actually joining, but I was curious to see what Scientology was all about. Also, when you first join a cult you typically go through the love bombing phase and I really wanted a taste of it. But as the day went on, I began wondering if they ever reject candidates and what would it take to actually get rejected. The more that I thought about it, the funnier the idea seemed to get, so I began running scenarios in my head and making plans, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience.

And… To be completely honest, after years of service, I didn’t think that I was treated fairly in my last cult, I didn’t even receive a single love bomb, just a bunch of bad memories. So now, looking back, I think some sick part of me, probably my inner child… Well… He was out for revenge.

Now I know that all of this probably sounds absurd, but I was your typical cult hopper and for those unaware, compared to the general public, former cult members are at a much higher risk of joining another cult. Maybe it’s because we miss the camaraderie or maybe it’s because we’re always looking for answers about the meaning of life, and for some sadistic reason, God only seems to give answers to cult leaders.

To be continued...

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I have been working on this series for about a month now and as all the forgotten memories came flooding back, the story grew much larger than I initially expected. So, I'm currently in the process of rewriting and cutting it down as much as possible. I’ll try to release a new chapter each day and I suspect the series will contain three or possibly four chapters.

I hope that you are able to stick with this story and maybe share it with a friend, because I would really like to build an audience for my writing, here on Hive. Thank you!

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