How to Build a Pyramid: A Completely Normal Guide by a Totally Sane Mason
Introduction:
Welcome, future pyramid builder! So, you’re ready to embark on the monumental task of creating a pyramid. I’m here to guide you step by step through the process of stacking millions of stone blocks with such precision that future generations will scratch their heads and say, “How on earth did they do that?” Well, the truth is… it’s a trade secret.
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Step 1: Find the Perfect Spot (Or, Why You Should Avoid Building in the Nile)
First off, find some nice, solid ground. Preferably somewhere flat and dry. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This is Egypt; everywhere is flat and dry!” But trust me, you don’t want to set up shop in a spot that turns into a mud pit every flood season. That’s a quick way to have your pyramid become a very expensive sandcastle.
Step 2: Collect Some Rocks (Like, a Whole Lot of Them)
You’ll need rocks—lots and lots of rocks. Not just any rocks, though. You want limestone, the kind that’s perfect for making people wonder how you managed to cut it with the precision of a modern laser, except without lasers. (Or do we have lasers? We don’t. Or do we?)
These babies weigh tons. Literally. So, unless you’ve got a team of bodybuilders who moonlight as magicians, you’re going to need some serious muscle to move them. Luckily, we’ve got something for that. But that’s a story for another time... or maybe never.
Step 3: Assemble Your Team (Convince Them It’s Totally Worth It)
Now, you’ll need some workers. We’re talking thousands of people. Tell them they’re part of something legendary, something that’ll be talked about for millennia. Just don’t mention that the work involves dragging 70-ton blocks uphill for decades. It’s better they find that out later… much, much later.
Step 4: Cut Those Stones (With Tools We Definitely Have)
Here’s where things get fun. You’ll need to cut these stones with such precision that future engineers will wonder if you had access to advanced technology. (Nope, just good old-fashioned elbow grease… and maybe a little bit of, uh, technique that we’ll just keep between us.) Just make sure each block is so perfectly square that you could set your sundial by it. No one needs to know how you did it, as long as it looks like magic.
Step 5: Stack ‘Em High (And Defy the Laws of Physics)
Time to stack those blocks. Build some ramps and start hauling. Remember, it’s only impossible until you do it. (Again, let’s not get into the details of how.) Keep in mind, these stones weigh more than a herd of hippos, so you’ll need something a bit stronger than just brute strength. Fortunately, you’ve got something that helps with that. (No need to get into specifics here.)
You’re almost there. Just make sure every stone is perfectly aligned. Not “close enough” perfect—no, we’re talking “so perfect people will wonder if you were using a cosmic protractor” perfect. If anyone asks how you did it, just smile mysteriously and change the subject. Works every time.
Step 7: Cap It Off (Literally, With Something Flashy)
Finally, the pièce de résistance—the capstone. Make it out of something shiny, like gold. Why? Because when future tourists come around, you want them to think, “Wow, these guys really knew how to top things off.” Plus, it adds that little extra touch that says, “Yes, we really did just do that.”
Congratulations! You’ve built a pyramid! Now all that’s left is to sit back and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that people thousands of years from now will be staring at your masterpiece, scratching their heads, and asking, “How the heck did they pull this off?” Just give them a knowing smile and say, “It’s all in the technique.”
Building a pyramid is no small feat, but with a little persistence, a lot of manpower, and just a hint of something we don’t need to talk about, you too can create a wonder of the ancient world. So go ahead, stack those stones, make those cuts, and enjoy the mystery you’ll leave behind. Who knows—maybe one day, someone will figure out how you really did it. But until then, let’s keep them guessing!
How to Build a Pyramid: A Completely Normal Guide by a Totally Sane Mason
Introduction:
Welcome, future pyramid builder! So, you’re ready to embark on the monumental task of creating a pyramid. I’m here to guide you step by step through the process of stacking millions of stone blocks with such precision that future generations will scratch their heads and say, “How on earth did they do that?” Well, the truth is… it’s a trade secret.
lol !BBH !DOOK
You just got DOOKed!
@bradleyarrow thinks your content is the shit.
They have 8/60 DOOK left to drop today.
Learn all about this shit in the toilet paper! 💩
Step 1: Find the Perfect Spot (Or, Why You Should Avoid Building in the Nile)
First off, find some nice, solid ground. Preferably somewhere flat and dry. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This is Egypt; everywhere is flat and dry!” But trust me, you don’t want to set up shop in a spot that turns into a mud pit every flood season. That’s a quick way to have your pyramid become a very expensive sandcastle.
Step 2: Collect Some Rocks (Like, a Whole Lot of Them)
You’ll need rocks—lots and lots of rocks. Not just any rocks, though. You want limestone, the kind that’s perfect for making people wonder how you managed to cut it with the precision of a modern laser, except without lasers. (Or do we have lasers? We don’t. Or do we?)
These babies weigh tons. Literally. So, unless you’ve got a team of bodybuilders who moonlight as magicians, you’re going to need some serious muscle to move them. Luckily, we’ve got something for that. But that’s a story for another time... or maybe never.
Step 3: Assemble Your Team (Convince Them It’s Totally Worth It)
Now, you’ll need some workers. We’re talking thousands of people. Tell them they’re part of something legendary, something that’ll be talked about for millennia. Just don’t mention that the work involves dragging 70-ton blocks uphill for decades. It’s better they find that out later… much, much later.
Step 4: Cut Those Stones (With Tools We Definitely Have)
Here’s where things get fun. You’ll need to cut these stones with such precision that future engineers will wonder if you had access to advanced technology. (Nope, just good old-fashioned elbow grease… and maybe a little bit of, uh, technique that we’ll just keep between us.) Just make sure each block is so perfectly square that you could set your sundial by it. No one needs to know how you did it, as long as it looks like magic.
Step 5: Stack ‘Em High (And Defy the Laws of Physics)
Time to stack those blocks. Build some ramps and start hauling. Remember, it’s only impossible until you do it. (Again, let’s not get into the details of how.) Keep in mind, these stones weigh more than a herd of hippos, so you’ll need something a bit stronger than just brute strength. Fortunately, you’ve got something that helps with that. (No need to get into specifics here.)
Step 6: Make It Perfect (So Perfect, It’s Creepy)
You’re almost there. Just make sure every stone is perfectly aligned. Not “close enough” perfect—no, we’re talking “so perfect people will wonder if you were using a cosmic protractor” perfect. If anyone asks how you did it, just smile mysteriously and change the subject. Works every time.
Step 7: Cap It Off (Literally, With Something Flashy)
Finally, the pièce de résistance—the capstone. Make it out of something shiny, like gold. Why? Because when future tourists come around, you want them to think, “Wow, these guys really knew how to top things off.” Plus, it adds that little extra touch that says, “Yes, we really did just do that.”
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Step 8: Stand Back and Watch Them Wonder
Congratulations! You’ve built a pyramid! Now all that’s left is to sit back and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that people thousands of years from now will be staring at your masterpiece, scratching their heads, and asking, “How the heck did they pull this off?” Just give them a knowing smile and say, “It’s all in the technique.”
Conclusion:
Building a pyramid is no small feat, but with a little persistence, a lot of manpower, and just a hint of something we don’t need to talk about, you too can create a wonder of the ancient world. So go ahead, stack those stones, make those cuts, and enjoy the mystery you’ll leave behind. Who knows—maybe one day, someone will figure out how you really did it. But until then, let’s keep them guessing!
Beware of @bradleyarrow
hahahahahahahahahaha