I'm just curious ๐ค at what point does love become stupidity? is there a set limit you can endure before saying ๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐?.
An ongoing situation with a friend and a second incident that happened has left me pondering this question for a few weeks and till now I still can't wrap my head around it.
Why do we sometimes find it so hard to draw a limit, why would anyone consciously put themselves completely at the mercy of somebody else.
Handing over your entire life, destiny, and future to another person to decide and control as they see fit? And be happy to run with whatever they choose as best for you like some robot on autopilot designed to obey programmed commands.
These thoughts have been flying through my mind ever since so today I decided to throw this question to the community to see what everyone thinks.
I have a friend who I can honestly say is one of the nicest people I have ever met to date.
She is beautiful both inside and out. she is just the kind of friend everyone needs in their lives,๐ ๐๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ whom we will call Mariam (not her real name).
Mariam has been in a relationship with Mark (not his real name either ๐คซ) for over 3years and they love each other very much.
Mariam loves Mark to the moon and back and would do just about anything for him.
She never gets tired of saying how she couldn't live without him and that he must never leave her because she wouldn't be able to survive it.
Mark had promised to come to see her people finalize plans for their marriage but somehow something always comes up and it keeps getting postponed.
In the course of this relationship, she gave her all to the point that she has had two ๐ induced abortions at Marks behest because whenever she finds out she was pregnant in the past, he tells her he wasn't ready yet and she should get rid of it.
Two Saturdays back I got a WhatsApp message from Mariam and she told me she's pregnant again but Mark is insisting she gets rid of it because he was still planning for their future but promised this would be the last time because their marriage plans were going to happen by January unfailingly.
I advised her not to put herself through that pain again and to keep the child after all between now and January the pregnancy wouldn't be that visible so I didn't see how that would hinder a wedding but she insisted that Mark was angry and that he would leave her if she refuses to follow his decision.
"๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ช ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ช๐ง ๐ข ๐ด๐ฆ๐น๐ถ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ข๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ท๐ฆ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐บ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ข ๐ค๐ฉ๐ช๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ข๐ต ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต ๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ต๐ณ๐ข๐ค๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ต๐ช๐ท๐ฆ๐ด ๐ช๐ต'๐ด #๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ "
Seeing I was unable to convince Mariam I at least got her to talk to Mark's younger sister who is a mutual friend of ours before doing anything.
The younger sister spoke to her family about the issue and Mark's family who I think are nice by the way decided Mariam should have the child and they would take care of her.
They offered to put her on an allowance until the child was born and that they would make sure neither she nor her child lacked anything provided the child was Mark's.
"๐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ด๐ต๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐๐ข๐ณ๐ฌ'๐ด ๐ง๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ๐บ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ง๐ง๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ช๐ณ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ณ๐ณ๐ช๐ข๐จ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ง ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐บ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ฎ ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ ๐๐ข๐ณ๐ฌ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ง๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ฏ๐ด๐ช๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฑ๐ข๐บ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฎ๐ข๐ณ๐ณ๐ช๐ข๐จ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ช๐ต ๐ข ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ"
I was relieved that the issue got settled so imagine my unpleasant surprise when two days later I got a message from Marian telling me she had taken ๐ to induce the abortion just that morning ๐
In my confusion, I called her back and even her voice sounded pitiful and when she spoke I could hear the pain she was still in.
According to her, she caved in when Mark told her that since she has decided to keep the child then he will be a father to the child but that he will NEVER marry her ๐คทโโ๏ธ so she decided to do it this last time and at least January wasn't too far away so she would just be patient and wait.
I told her my fear was if she decided to continue on this part and ended up with complications that prevent her from conceiving in the future then this same Mark would most like to leave her to get married to a different girl who can give him children and I know this for a fact because I have seen it happen.
For almost a week I couldn't bring myself to speak to her because I felt disappointed but when we meet up in person and I saw the strain she was going through, I decided to forgo the anger and support her as best as I can in the hopes that someday soon she realizes the kind of danger she's putting herself in.
The secondary incident I spoke of happened on Wednesday last week.
I was lying in bed at home that afternoon because the previous night I had slept late when my phone rang.
Initially, I wasn't going to pick the call but it kept ringing and on checking it was one of my super-duper good friends ๐ฅ she is that kind of person who always has a knack for sniffing out information ๐ต๏ธโโ๏ธ you know the kind that could make a living working as an investigative journalist for CNN lol yeah even I have one of that special kind of friend.
She asked me where I was and knowing I was home she asked me to come outside because something was happening close to my house and she was there already ๐คฃ๐คฃ.
When I got there I meet a crowd of mainly angry women, some holding sticks and a few interesting instruments ๐ค I think I even saw a lady holding a medium-sized stone in her hand.
So what happened, A lady who rents one of the shops in that line was involved in a disagreement with her husband.
So her husband had left her and their 4children to move in with another lady who he has even gone ahead to marry traditional (which is allowed here ๐ค ).
That said day he came to his first wife's shop and wanted her to leave the shop he opened for her as he wanted to reclaim it and he also told her to return the keys to the car she uses which he paid for in the past.
When She refused he got physical with her right there in her shop which I later heard was a very common occurrence, him physically assaulting her.
I'm not sure if it was a mistake or deliberate but he ending stabbing her with a sharp object close to her left eye and that was when all the women turned on him.
The crowd of women pounced on the husband and gave him a beating I'm sure he would not forget in a hurry.
when I saw the state of the man when I got there I almost pitied him with his clothes tattered and cuts all over smh he was lucky some people choose to intervene and save him from the mob of angry women because who knows how the story might have ended.
So we see two women, the first who loves and doesn't think twice before putting her life at risk to keep her relationship and make her spouse happy.
On the other hand, we have a mother of four who is legally married but has borne a husband's indifference and physical assault for years without taking a stand for herself and her children.
What are your thoughts on both these true stories? is it enough to endure and hope things get better, or is the solution to walk away when a situation no longer makes you happy?.
If you ask my opinion I will reference a previous ๐ฃ๐ข๐ฆ๐งof mine where I gave my view on a situation like this, that was my stand then and it is still my stand today.
Thank you for reading and see you all soon ๐
First I think Marian needs to realize that Mark doesn't plan on marrying her and the moment he sees someone better, he would leave, just my thought.
I can't really judge her because I know I am one person who hardly knows when to leave even though I wouldn't put myself in certain situations, but I still kind of understand her.
I think as women we need to figure and realize that sometimes we have to choose ourselves and not the men.
For me, I figure out when it's time to leave, and then I gradually work towards it killing every emotion, and then one day I might just stand up and walk away for no reason.
Also, there are so many contraceptions, I hate when I hear about so many cases of abortions when they can be avoided.
I am with you because even I am thinking he may not have an interest in marrying her. After all, his behavior shows complete disregard and care about her life, safety, and happiness.
Having been in an unhealthy relationship in the past I know how hard it can be to break away but just like you and i hopefully one day she too will gather the strength to move on with her life in order to be happy.
I hope he doesn't marry her because she would be making a mistake.
To me, love doesn't come with pain.
He might also use the abortions against her in the future.
From your mouth to God's ears my sister ๐ I pray that happens too so keeping my fingers crossed till January since she swore to leave if the marriage doesn't happen by then.
She might not but just be there for her, it gets complicated in our heads.
Yes. A very deep conversation.
Also because on many occasions we call love something that has more to do with the "perceived feeling of LACK of love" than the Love itself....
But in any case - there is an ancient wisdom in the reminder - "You cannot love anyone before you learn to love yourself."
Because before we love ourselves and accept all our aspects without judgment and are able to nurture and care for our own wellbeing , physical, mental and emotional, - until then we cannot authentically offer love.
Being the "enabler" of the loved person's bad behavior and abusive patterns is not love. Not for one's self. Not for the other who needs the reality check of someone honestly calling out bad behavior.
Staying in an abusive relationship has nothing to do with love. It is not love. We can love people from a distance, too, by the way, if it is the only way to stay safe. There is no need to put one-self in abusive relationship to "prove love and loyalty".
But the reason why many people have hard time to leave abusive relationships is addiction to behavioral patterns that the subconscious mind has identified as "love", because it was first received by the "standard of love and example of self-love" - the primary caregivers in the first 10 years of person's life.
Like with addicts, taking the decision to leave doesn't mean that the subconscious mind will accept the lack of the "substance". It will find it's satisfaction when the person will enter new relationships, jobs, hobbies or spiritual affiliations. The addiction will keep choosing the decisions until the deep seated distorted interpretations of love are cognized, accepted and healed.
Thank you for opening deep conversations!
That's my point too, I'm a big believer in self-love and how important it is before trying to love someone else but try explaining that to a friend who isn't ready to listen.
As someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship I know how damaging such dependence on someone else all in the name of love or perceived love as it would appear in Mariam's case, I can only hope she comes to realize this very soon.
Thanks for engaging @lauralauze plus we missed you at the PYPT show today.
Dear Princess,
Yess, but then again - we get the life lessons until we canยดt bear the weight of not learning :) Most of the life's lessons are about self-acceptance and self-love.
And when we finally wake up to understand that everybody is just our own mirror-reflection - we love others as if we loved ourselves.
I felt bad for not having the chance yesterday, I missed PYPT too, but my internet was cut off ... I missed the payment date for being busy with writing my extra long meditative posts :)))) My soul transfers to other dimensions while I write hahahah
!PIZZA Nobody deserves to be treated like either of these two women. Some men need to be educated in this regard, but it starts with upbringing and guidance when they are young. I wish more women...no strike that, more human beings knew the blessing of self-love and self-worth. We would have much healthier happier relationships in the world today if we did.
Bless you, for this comment ๐ the only reason I can never belittle any lady who finds it hard to break from a toxic relationship is that I have been there so I know firsthand how hard that can be but like I said in the post I sighted on this blog "self-love isn't selfish" and just learn to love ourselves more before attempting to love someone else ๐
Thank you so much for reading and your support.
You are right because back when I was in a similar situation it was so hard to just walk away, you always console yourself with hopes that it will all get better even when it gets worse by they day ๐ I think it's that belief that ties us down the most.
Who knows maybe one day we might learn to be more practical in situations like these rather than emotionally driven on happier memories of the past.
Thank you so much for reading ๐ค๐ค
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