I've been off HIVE for the past couple of days, but not for nothing.

All photos taken by me, during the time I lived in Santiago, Chile, 2019

The news of the borders being closed for May really sent me back down a depression rabbit-hole. If anyone here suffers from MDD, you can probably relate when I say how fucking weird depression can be. I'm not talking about sadness. I'm talking about chronic, psychological depression. How you don't even notice it sometimes. Like, I don't feel depressed. I'm not in a "down" mood. But I can't do anything. I haven't done shit other than regular responsibilities over the last few days. I can't go outside unless I need to. I can't cook. Hell, I tried writing a film review last night and I can't even watch a movie.

Ok, I lied. Of all the films I couldn't watch, I somehow managed to sit through Cannibal Holocaust late last night on an insomnia tip. It's been a long time since I have watched that film. Who else has seen that film? I forgot how absolutely uncomfortable parts of that film make me- and it's not common I get uncomfortable watching a film. That's one, in all good conscious, I cannot allow myself to review.. I applaud the film, but I can't sit here and recommend anyone go watch it. I feel that might put me in a legal predicament.

WARNING: Graphic image below ;)

But, I will nevertheless wear my knockoff CH shirt that I bought in a Chilean flea market in public :) My partner took me to a market the last time I was visiting her family in Chile. There was an abundance of things I couldn't have been less interested in; until I found the tiny little less-touristy niche shops. The rest of the market was either 1. tourism 2. knockoff luxury brand clothes(wearing regular cotton t-shirts with "Gucci" screenprinted on them in Chile is the equivalent of wearing American Eagle or any of those companies in the USA); or 3. food, obviously.

Leave a comment if you've seen Cannibal Holocaust below. Otherwise, I'll stop talking about that film before I get banned from Hive, lol.

I'm moving!

So, it's not all bad. Yeah, life is pretty shitty over here at the moment- just waiting... literally just waiting for the next stage of my life to begin. I feel like I showed up to start a new job and the boss is late, and I'm just waiting at the door. That's actually a surprisingly apt description of what my life is right now.

Anyways, Isi and I were talking the other night and we made a pretty big decision.

Making plans for us has always been a more difficult task than it is for a typical couple. Even without COVID, we are from different countries, cultures, continents; and neither of us had been seriously considering leaving those things behind when we met. Due to Covid, our plans have changed enough god damn times to drive just about anyone insane. And, as we last left it, we were getting married in Chile and then we would live here in the USA for a few years.

But, no more. We have decided that we will be living in Chile; at least most of the time. This is something I am SUPER excited about- and also very, very nervous.

When we first met I desperately wanted to move to Chile. I think this was largely due to the fact that I was already poised and ready to go. I met my partner during a time when I was very unhappy with where I was(and still am). I had been planning on moving across the country a few months prior to our meeting, and it was still very much in my head. So, when we fell in love, I said "OK I'M MOVING TO CHILE"

That didn't happen. I mean, it did; for as long as the visa would allow. But I had to come home and work. I was working there, but I still had responsibilities here. Responsibilities I couldn't pay for, due to economical differences between Chile and here.

Isi is a jeweler by trade. She is doing really well with her budding new business. Which is why we originally decided to live here. She can work anywhere as long as she has her workshop. I work usually in manual labor. I have experience in dozens upon dozens of fields and it's really easy for me to find work in the USA due to my history. Not good work, but work.

And, you know, as I'm explaining this, I'm realizing we have no logical reason why our plans have changed. Nothing has changed with her profession. Yes, I quit my job; but that was to go back to my prior work that I enjoyed much more- after the wedding, that is.

Gambling

I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm gambling. I mentioned before I've been heavily encouraged to submit a book. I don't know if that will ever happen while I am living here. I have too many distractions. Plus- the cost of living here is so high that I can't really afford any slip-ups. Chilean cost of living is quite a bit more reasonable. Reasonable enough, for instance, that if things aren't working perfectly for me there, coming back here for the snowmaking season would allow me to avoid a lot of financial disasters.

So, that's the new plan. We are going to live in Chile for at least a few years. I may come back here for winters/part of the winters an crash with friends and do some mountain work. And then the rest of the year I will spend trying to become an author. If I fail, I fail; no harm done. There's absolutely nothing I'm risking losing really; even with a great job in Vermont, if you're trying to support a home, you will never be able to save a penny. Luck(or drugs) is the only way to get out of paycheck-to-paycheck living here unless you already have a big jump start on life.

So fuck it. I'm going to Chile, and I'm going to try to become an author. A childhood dream of mine- and now an opportunity to actually give it a shot. It's pretty unrealistic to give it a real go when you're juggling 2-3 jobs on top of your infinite physical hobbies.

So I'm taking the chance. We'll see what happens. I imagine I'll have a much easier time concentrating there- in fact I know I will from experience. My conscious felt clean when I was living down there. Here, there is too much BS from my past that gives me this sense of kind of constantly being on-edge for no good reason at all.

Shit, maybe I'll even learn how to trade. I've managed to turn zero investment into a decent crypto portfolio over these past few years- even though that was almost purely luck and blindly throwing my earnings at projects that sounded good- right before a time when the entire market skyrocketed altogether. I want to say I made some good decisions but really if you had put something into almost ANYTHING in crypto at the time I did you would have made off well. That's why I have barely touched it- I know it was luck, and I need to be more knowledgeable before I start destroying my chance at changing my life.

It's not going to be anytime immediate. We still have yet to even get married. I have a lot of hurdles to go through before I can leave the USA behind with a clear head. Getting rid of my storage unit is huge, and is more difficult than it sounds. My cars; which I'd like to work on first to maximize any potential profit I could make off them. I have to look into all the paperwork for Raiden and see the best plan for getting him there.

And sell. I gotta sell as much shit as I can. Figure out where to keep what I want to keep. Figure out how to get what I need to Chile. Isi lives with her mother there, as is normal in Chilean culture for a 25-year old. So we need to find a place to live.

I mean, I haven't even been able to get there for the wedding yet. That's step 1. Because then, we need our celebration here for my side of things; which we are planning on doing this fall. I might as well keep my apartment until then, as I will have to live somewhere while I'm figuring out these other steps anyway. And by that point, it will be pretty much snowmaking season, so I might as well stick around a little longer and hopefully work for the park again...

So REALISTICALLY, I probably won't be making my full-time move for another 10 months or so. But then, it will be "permanent"- and that's going to be huge for me.

All in all, I am super excited. For more reasons than one. I'm taking this opportunity to see if I can accomplish my writing dreams among other things. And, the prospect of spending my winters here with my "family" eliminates a lot of the feelings of resistance I've previously had to this idea.

Now, to return back to my normally scheduled programming; with a slight twist. For the next however many months, every time I look at one of my belongings, in the back of my head, will always be "do I need that? Do I want that? Does that have any meaningful value to me? Is it worth it?"

I'm looking forward to catching up with what everyone has been up to here. Hope all is well <3