I think there are some interesting language choices and near-rhymes here, but I found it hard to find a rhythm that made sense to me so overall I found it a little hard to engage with. I may be reacting to the very short lines, some of the line-break choices seemed puzzling to me.
Thank you, for your candid feedback — everything is not for everyone. As Nietzsche memorably put it:
And you tell me, my friends, that there is no disputing of taste and tasting? But all of life is a dispute over taste and tasting. Taste – that is at the same time weight and scales and weigher; and woe unto all the living that would live without disputes over weight and scales and weighers!
Perhaps, you might be interested in attending my poetry reading, tomorrow: