Have you ever wondered whether your personal relationship with social media is healthy?

As much as we like to deny it, we feel this immense pressure at times to portray an "Instagram-worthy" presence.

No, there is no written rule book on how we should utilize such platforms. But seeing perfection in every scroll with likes upon likes? You cannot help but realize that the environment has become so toxic that it has sadly affected our mental health.

Being a newbie on Hive with really nothing to lose, I wanted to challenge myself in exposing a side of me that I have kept hidden and am most ashamed of.

I want to break free from the mold of only sharing the good stuff.

And no, this post is in no way a means of gaining sympathy but to simply acknowledge that these thoughts and feelings exist.

Should this resonate with anyone, know that you are not alone.

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Ruminating thoughts have been my regular guest lately.. and I have spontaneously decided to keep an online journal. For some reason, I have always had difficulty committing in keeping one.

I know I am lazy and always find distractions to keep me from being consistent with "productivity" plans. Maybe the thought of having something that requires being responsible exhausts me.

Maybe I do not want to associate myself with to-do's as I prefer to just go about my day doing whatever I feel like doing. But today, I feel inspired. Not in a cheesy way, but simply considering this option as a way to vent out.

Today was especially heavy.

I accept that I am very judgmental of myself -the barrier that's stopping me from doing nor starting something I want to do.

I instead tend to look far ahead in the future and focus on the negatives, telling myself:

"I know I won't be good at it anyway. What's the use? It's just a waste of time and effort. I've always been inconsistent with everything that I do, what difference is there now? Just don't even bother trying. I know myself too well to even do an attempt."

Yup, I am my own worst critic and I have been comfortable with it for the longest time. Is it a way to protect myself from disappointment? Probably. Sure enough, it has been effective because I no longer get disappointed whenever I fail. After all, there wasn't any stuff to be disappointed at, to begin with. But one thing for sure has not changed:

I am disappointed with myself as a whole.

I have gotten so used to this idea that I just don't want to try anymore.

Maybe I'd rather stay at whatever you call my current state is, than add more negatives on my list of reasons to look myself down with.

I have no trouble facing the truth: this is the worst state my mental health has ever been in.

In fact, whatever the opposite of being in denial is, is the word that perfectly describes how accepting I am of my declining mental health. It is the "doing something about it" that's keeping me stuck.

Maybe being in denial has its perks, because at least you continue taking on whatever because you refuse to acknowledge your distressing state.

Am I even making sense? For a minute, my mind tried to gather factors of what has affected me to feel so.. depressed? Do I even like that word? I feel like it is too overused that using it to describe my state feels so pretentious.

Where did all the energy past Nikki used to have, go?

I was cleaning up my email drafts which I have never done probably in a decade, only because I had had trouble logging in to my other email account. I was hoping I saved the password there somewhere.

I saw a draft of an about-me post I wrote back in 2018:

"I am glad to say that I am a person of optimism. From the sunshine that greets me good morning, to the moonlight that whispers goodnight. Simple things make me happy. Happy people make me happy and it’d be a pleasure to make people happy. I love being happy and I love to love and be loved. Don’t we all?"

I know I can still recall having loads of fun during that period but to say I was disgusted reading it is an understatement. I can barely understand how I even reached that kind of optimistic mindset to spew such words. I don't even have the sufficient energy to go through mental planning on meeting some friends.

The thought of forcing myself to portray the old me is exhausting in itself.

The Nikki people know is energetic, talkative, optimistic, loud and always on the go and I feel great pressure in still being those qualities that I scarcely possess. And I hate it. Because it used to just come out naturally -I didn't even have to mentally prepare myself nor even had to think about it.

Did I grow accustomed to the isolation that.. I found solace in it?

Pre pandemic, I had this constant urge to be "out there", to get involved, to not waste weekend nights especially, cooped up at home. The intense fear of missing out on whatever I thought I could be missing out on.. which was nothing, really. Realizing that could be the greatest contributor to why I no longer find enjoyment in going out. I now see it as just a senseless way to add spice to this mundane life.

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