I can provide no answers to any of your questions.... I merely am reaching out to say your honesty and truth in this post touches my soul. You have a beauty in your honesty and empathy. It's a light that no darkness can put out no matter how hard it tries. Hang on. Keep going. A light like yours is meant to be shared. Sometimes when you feel lost and everything is dark, realize that maybe it's because you are the light. These all may seem like platitudes with no help or direction.... I'm sorry for that.... Just, whatever happens, don't give up. You have a beauty the world needs to see exists.