Never Give Up Because Great Things Take Time

Photo was edit by PHOTOLAB

Did you ever felt so useless until you want to give up? Give up everything you do and just hoping its the end of the world? I did. That was few years ago and its really giving me a hard lesson.

Dying. Who can predict death? How about an accident? Do we want it to happen? Can we stop it from happening? NO! I rather know somebody is dying because an illness rather than a sudden death such as road accident.

Its was nearly 6years and everytime Ramadhan or Syawal, Im getting anxious and traumatize. My loved one had left me during 1st of Syawal because of a tragic accident. I was the first one to be informed by the Inspection Officer.

Its was nearly 7 in the morning of 1st Syawal when I received the called. I was blurred and I had to ask the I/O the same question, WHAT?! More than three times.

"Puan, Tuan R is in the mortuary." for the third time she explained to me softly but firm.
"Puan bersabar ya. Boleh datang ke sini tak hari ni"
She was asking me in Malay then I cried. I jumped off my bed and just told her I'll call her back.

I was so blurred and my mind can't explain what is MORTUARY. (Bilik Mayat) I called my mom, since she was in Kota Kinabalu with my daughter and my son for a holiday. They have to rush back to my hometown and we took the afternoon flight together the three of us, me,my mom and my son.

My daughter was crying unstoppable because she really cared and loved him. All I can say, my childrens loved him so much until now. They will always remembers his goodness to them. No other man can replace him.

Even my mom said the same. A very humble man and a responsible man. Respect the elders and he faced all the consequences just to be with me and our daughter. He chooses us but I guess God loves him more.

His last wish was he wanted to convert to a muslim ,as his co workers (Uzt.Adam) told me. But god really giving me a big trial that time. God took him from me so I can be strong. But for nearly a year plus, I almost lost myself and I was so death inside.

I give up on myself means I didnt respect myself. I give up on man until I dont give them chances to be in my heart. I was so wasted almost every night and I went home from work,drunk.!!!

It took me nearly a year plus to realize that all I had done before was like killing myself slowly by drinking and smoking, hurting other man by telling them I like them and leave them, I was like a total b!tch, I was acting like a sl4t.

One day, something hit me. I don't know why, who and how, but I just told myself, IT'S ENOUGH!!!. So I stopped everything except smoking. I begin to see peoples heart and kindness. Im slowly trying to break the wall in my heart so that I can feel love again.

The moment I open up myself to a man, I was cheated. He's a married man and only after a year we were together, I found out that his married. That was when his wife was pregnant. Its really hurt me a lot and I started to think back, should I just let this be or should I let go? And he's not even from my country.

I know he can leave me anytime he wants. So I left him first before he left me. I went back to East Malaysia because when I was with him, I was working in West Malaysia and stayed with him. I even found out he had another girl from East Malaysia as well. By the time he got caught, he was crying and begging me for forgiveness.

But I can't even say anything. I was smiling the whole time. Maybe because I was too shock to know. I told him I need to go back to KK, he insisted to come with me but I told him I need to clear my mind and give me space.

By the time I reached KK, unexpected things happen to me. I was PREGNANT . Im stucked. And its so painful until I can't go to work. When I went to the hospital, the doctor had done a scan and he said my fibroid was getting bigger because of the pregnancy. I have to act fast. So, I did. The only regret was, It was not supposed to happen.

He keep on calling me but I made up my mind. I told him, we need to break up. Since he was in Indonesia and Im in Malaysia, I said its better to let me work here and dont find me ever. Until one day his wife have found out about me, and that was the moment I really really want everything to be ended. Full Stop!

So I am back at one! I was so afraid to get hurt again. Im afraid that I might gonna get fooled by other man. So, I just concentrate more on my work to support my children back home and just enjoy my free time with my friends. Until one day, facebook connected me with this man with only name I know, but no picture and a mutual friends with my close friends.

So, I give in. I give it a chance. I didnt give up no matter what. I give him chances. We were together nearly 3years, and I let myself feel the love, the hurt, the lies, etc. I never give up until I know its time for me to let go. And so I did.

Great things take time, thats why I never give up. But I can't force anybody to be with me. Even if I tried so hard to make it work, but if they choose somebody else over me, then it would be better I let him choose her because I was never a priority anymore once somebody else were in the picture.

For me, I never will give up on love because I believe one day, there would be a nice decent man will come to me. Now all I want is for him to be able to be my "IMAM". I put my religion as priority. I want him to respect that. Because without a belief, we might be lost. We lost respect, we lost our own dignity, we can't see the pillar of goodness of human being in each other.

Believe me, if you didnt pray because you said god is not exist, try praying.
If you hate Arabic Song, you might now want to learn it.
If you used to said he/she is bad, one day you gonna ask him/her for help.
If you being a racist and always talked about colours, you might now working with most of them.
If you like to accuse people of stealing, one day surely you will get rob or your own friend might steal from you.
Its what they called, Karma.

Never be ashamed of what we had done bad before. Repent if can. Thats what I always told myself. Before this I seldom pray, but now I did.
Not because Im good, but because I have sin.
Its also my therapy. For my mind and soul.

So, this is my stories. When once upon a time, I was almost give up, but whatever happened to me now, I still feel grateful. I have a roof to live in, a food on the table, a children that helpful and a good families and friends that always be there to support me.

Last but not least, to all the people that give up on me and left me, I do wish you all the best in life. Maybe diamond is what you all looking for. Im not a diamond. Im just a pebbles. Im not perfect. They might be perfect for you. My flaws is only for those who strong enough to handle. Who can handle a single mother of 4? Only the strong will!!! 💪💪💪