The other day Mithila suddenly asked me, "say apu, if you can be, what would you like to be. Like for me, I want to be a princess".
For a moment I could not think of anything, not that I never pondered on such fantasy thoughts before whenever I would watch or read any enticing characters, however, upon being asked someone so sincerely made me rather baffled.
There were many characters from books, cinemas who have enchanted me with their presentation and I lost count of how many times I have wanted to become like this or that character and even made up my own story aligned with the actual storyline.
So, at first do I want to be a "Medieval Knight" like Paulina Winter or a Queen of Egypt or maybe just a French traveller of the 18th Century?
But then, in the end, while I judge all the pros and cons of those lives, I felt like I do not want to be anyone but ME. Now, you find this rather a sign of shallow-arrogance and biased pride in oneself as a part of shallow narcissistic criteria, however it's nought but a precise truth.
Well, perhaps I would like to have a better economical condition, desire to be born in a wishful culture & society, which is more SAFE and welcoming for a woman, but that is all for the external empire building.
And I know I could have (plausibly still can) actually achieved all of these eventually, but the sacrifice of time I had to make gnaws in my heart every now and then.
For being born in this country and society, where I grew up to be an entirely different existence that cannot be held control in the cup of this society and country, so to control is to suppress and deceive. I did attain many things in life, but I can never overcome the regret of not having "right exposure in right time", when I had so much more time to provide for such things, I could not because I was unaware of their existence to begin with.
It is as if, you can only try to open a door, when you are aware that there is a door that exists, If you do not possess such consciousness it morphed to be a futile door what used to be a very significant want at the right time.
Take for instance my current die-hard enthusiasm to learn French, learn & buy a Piano (if not a piano, at least a cheap Yamaha keyboard), and Travel. If you say, prioritize, I CANNOT. At this time, all of these 3 hold equal passion for me and while economically I am at my lowest. I am unable to manage the course fee for learning French, so had to drop it in the middle of the semester, and could not save enough money to buy a keyboard.
However, I did go for a travel to somewhere to regain the peace of mind by taking a LOAN from the bank, imagine that! You might say, it is surely foolish to go to such lengths to travel only to end up in debt and work like a monster to pay off the debt.
But then, Travelling is the only thing that makes me look forward to a tomorrow, inspires me to go to work the next day, and reminds me of what I have in my bucket list when I am about to give up!
So, for travelling, it is like a circle I am stuck in; I take out a loan, go for a travel, then I work my ass off to pay the loan and by this time it becomes another time for a break!
And then there are many more things I wanted to achieve and still desperately clinging to the thread in the hope of accomplishing even if time is slipping out like a water slipping through fingers, however, I am so proud of myself that regardless of everlasting obstructions from almost every aspect of life, I never gave up.
I am so much more capable in working out circumstantial hindrance. I want that re-birth girl to be me, with more exposure to what she can have and do, instead of wasting many more precious opportunities and time, which require "right time".
Even if they say "I tried so hard, and got so far, in the end, it does not even matter"...but I firmly disagree, it DOES MATTER IN THE END.
But then if I must, not entirely from fantasy but rather keeping it aligned with reality, I would want a life where I can travel and work (of course no work would be wonderful, but that’s not how reality works right! 😂)
Like some mysterious, attractive Musafir, leaving my traces behind around the world!
All the contents are mine, until mentioned otherwise.