Thank you for sharing this Mary! I needed this reminder. I carry a lot of darkness within me, a lot of pain, and trauma, I have been depressed since I was a kid. But at some point I actively chose the light over the darkness. For the most part anyway. The darkness still manages to pierce through from time to time and I am not proud of it. I will never be proud of it even though there used to be time I thought that it even helped me and that I loved it about myself. I used anger and hate a lot to propel myself further. But as I grow and learn every day. I no longer believe that helps me in any way.
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You are so welcome! This book moved me. Depression is really a complex phenomenon. I struggled in my teens and later in adulthood because of some events which shook me to the core. In time it can become a hyperfunctional depression, something which eats you from the inside and you are not even aware. It is dark to go there. We put locks and close the door. It is also painful. I am sure that for all people who went through trauma it is better to heal gradually. About some things I can't talk for long. Only in short bursts of healing confessions. Some events still make me cry only if I think about them, I visit those wounds less often in my mind. I know I have to be patient with myself.
We can hide the depression through work, fun, entertainment, social media, drugs, alcohol, etc. But we can only fool ourselves for so long.
The light can't be without the dark. I learn to embrace and accept the darkness within. I know that it can bring the worst in me because of the unhealed wounds. This is a constant work throughout our lives. Romantic relationships will always touch that dark part from us because they carry us in the old patterns of flawed love which we learned in childhood. I often wonder if there are any children who had a normal, securing childhood.
I have recently took an assessment of my attachment style and it is fearful avoidant, one of the "worst" as it is very hard to treat aka heal. But I read the story of Eger and other stories like her. People can heal even from the worst trauma, from the most grueling abuse. They can live to forgive their abuser and truly learn how to love and be loved.
It is all about love. At the bottom of any dark depression there is an utter void , a chronic feeling of not having felt healthy genuine love. It hurts. It really hurts. But as adults we are no longer helpless and we can re-parent ourselves. We can heal. This is what I love the most about us, humans. That we have inside this body of flesh a tiny thing called heart. And it is so powerful that it can heal the soul. It takes faith, time, and a genuine desire to experience love as we deeply know it can be.
It is so beautiful that you take baby steps and that you slowly pull yourself into the light. Self acceptance and self love are a great way to start. I can relate with what you have said about anger and hate. I used to feel that a lot for some people who caused me a lot of pain, who abused me and bullied me in the worst ways. Anger consumes you, it is like drinking poison hoping for your abuser to die. Instead you die inside. I remember nights going to sleep crying, waiting in vain for the abuser to apologize . It never happened. I might die and those people will never come and apologize to my face for the harm . I am now at peace with this. Edith has done the same. Every survivor of any abuse has forgiven in order to move on. Letting go of the anger doesn't mean that you approve what they did, but it liberates you. I strongly believe in the laws of the Universe and the malice and abuse always goes back to those who have abused others. Life is so short, we can't spend it hating people who did not know or want to love us. I want to be so full of light inside that all the love I deserve and desire enters in my life. I wish the same for you, my talented gardener magnificent girl🤗🥰