Here are all 10 of my New Year resolutions whether you like them or not

---

---

---

1. I hereby resolve to quit drinking _{whiskey straight out of the bottle like some kind of broken homeless outcast of society. From now on I will pour it into a tumbler first like a civilized alcoholic.}

---

2. I hereby resolve to start exercising more _{than zero days per year, on the condition that said exercise occurs on days where I feel like exercising.}

---

3. I hereby resolve to stop using Facebook _{between the hours of 5am and 6am on mornings where I have to drive 45 minutes to get to work and clock in by 6am.}

---

4. I hereby resolve to be nicer to people _{who I already like and who already give me a lot of attention and have a lot to offer me emotionally.}

---

5. I hereby resolve to read at least one book per month _{as long as erotica counts as books and listening to audiobooks counts as reading.}

---

6. I hereby resolve to get more involved in the community _{effort to spread hatred and lies about newcomers because they look different and work harder than the rest of us natives.}

---

7. I hereby resolve to give more to charity _{because I just discovered a way to set up a fake charity in my name and donate to myself and then deduct all those donations on my tax return.}

---

8. I hereby resolve to reconnect with old friends _{who I heard have made a fortune since the last time we had any sort of meaningful contact a couple decades ago.}

---

9. I hereby resolve to learn how to speak Spanish _{by dating a Latina and then dumping her once I'm done learning Spanish from her because I heard it's good to have Spanish on your resume these days.}

---

10. I hereby resolve to learn how to code in Solidity _{so I can look for ways to exploit Ethereum smart contracts and steal money from people on the internet.}

---

---

---

---

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

🌲 🎉 😇 🎊 🌲

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

---

_{1-3-22. Yo @otherbrandt I heard from a "friend" that you might be the kind of guy who offers legal advice on the down low if the price is right, hit me up in Discord yo cuz I got some questions for ya. brandt#1284}