ENDLESS RENEWAL

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It's been a while since I've posted over here. It's not out of laziness, more out of a need of expressing my thoughts clearly, making reading something much more flowing. That obviously comes at the expense of consistency.

Another thing is how life is such a nosy so-and-so! Always getting in the middle of stuff you got to do. This time life threw a curveball that I'm still dealing with - I have to return to my home country...

Yeah, my almost 3-year adventure in South Korea is coming to an end, late September, early October (depending on flights and ticket prices). Sure as hell wasn't an easy journey, but still, what a journey...

I'm not going to lie, the aftermath of this realization was heavily characterized by a deep sense of grief, mixed with a guttural fear. In these past few weeks, there was a lot to unpack, and I just didn't want to write something neither too heavy but neither too light. Too much of anything is toxic, and that goes for positivity too.

I could have just slapped you with some shallow life quote, along the lines of "Don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened." And if your response was one giant eyeroll, enough to make one think you're having a stroke by how far back into your head your eyes went, I fully sympathize.

My response would have been more like, "Shut the fuck up and let me grief." Because it does feel a little like an important part of me is dying. Despite life throwing me endless curveballs - the pandemic being the shittiest of curveballs - I've grown to love my new imperfect home, temporary as it may have been.

I've died many deaths here, but only for the sake of making space for a newer version of me. This one seems like it will shake me again to the core.

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What made South Korea for me is being surrounded by people who don't give up easily, have set goals and a sharp focus on these goals. That rubs off on anyone open enough to adapt to a society often described as highly competitive, breakneck fast and unforgiving.

As someone in a very liminal situation - at once an outsider looking in, and in insider looking from within - that observation, despite holding some truth in it, is not entirely true. At least, I'm surrounded by locals who are very much aware of the society they've grown up in, who wished their society would slow down sometime. And that's what made Korea even more dynamic for me.

It's that dynamism and self-awareness which fueled a process of endless self-renewal in me.

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My home country, Malta, is a place where time moves so slow it seems like it stood still. And despite its deep, rich history, its charming landscape and quaint, cozy nature of the country, my country doesn't have any vision towards the future. Many are bemoaning the loss of tradition and values as reasons to why contemporary society feels void and meaningless.

Then you realize this is mostly an argument fervently put forward by ultra-religious cultists who, no matter how much they preach about God's endless love, they really aren't great witnesses of it, by their almost sociopathic lack of empathy towards others. Dig deeper and you realize that, most surprisingly, there's also a lack of empathy towards themselves.

I feel like my own country doesn't fully know itself as well. It doesn't want to get to know itself for fear of what it might find out. And so it seems like Malta casts a spell - and a very effective one at that - to make people forget any problems and responsibilities, enough to alienate anyone from themselves.

Don't get me wrong, everyone needs those days off and just be carefree. After all, those days off replenish your energy and motivation. Hell, a solution to any problems you might be facing might pop up unexpectedly during that down time. But, as with everything, you need balance.

Working too much is as unhealthy as completely letting go of any responsibility whatsoever, not only towards your job, but towards others, towards society, towards your surroundings. And, as with everything, it is easier said than done.

Which is why I'm wondering whether that self-renewal will continue. While I realize that the fuel of the process comes from within me, will there be enough of it coming from the outside?

Maltese society has become increasingly characterized by an indifference, which mostly stems from a belief that we, as average joes, don't have power or control over our own lives to make it any better. That it is all in the hands of some over-glorified leader.

I might not have strong anthropological evidence to quantify this, but this has been an instinct that has frustrated me for as long as I lived in Malta. It still does because I keep stating that my home is no longer my home. My nostalgia is not towards some values or traditions which restrict an individual's freedom and right. My nostalgia is for a time where people had a vision for society, a hope for its renewal.

Historically, South Korea has had that back in the day, and it still does with the insane amount of conversations - and admittedly, very heated arguments - about society today, especially with regards work-life balance and gender.

Maybe, Malta did have that, maybe not as evident and tumultuous as say 1960s France or Italy. Personally, I don't think my country did ever have a veritable amount of visionaries. The very few visionaries we might have had, anything and everything was done to shun them as mentally unfit heretics, eventually dampening that fire of entrepreneurial spirit and progressive thinking burning within them.

Much of the Maltese media portrays the upcoming generation as unquestioning sheep, yet 60% of youths want to leave the country because they don't see any future whatsoever staying there. Their fires is burning brighter than ever, but their own country is not allowing any room for it.

Even though I'm no longer part of the younger generation myself, I totally sympathize with this feeling. Hence the hesitation of me having to return back. That fire lit the way forward to my own dreams, ambitions and goals.

In any case, I did say earlier on that there's so much to unpack. I still would like to talk it over in another post - consistency and life permitting. In the meantime, I will keep that hope alive, and work for that hope to materialize, and keep the cycle of renewal happening.