Happy Monday hivers, I hope your Monday is going great.
Early this morning I had a dream, I saw my mum who passed away nine years ago but in the dream she survived the sickness that took her life nine years ago. She came back from the hospital weak, it started raining shortly after and she asked to go outside I can,t really remember the details but she somehow drowned outside, a funeral was held and I remember opening the door to her room and crying.
I woke up with my heart feeling heavy, It was enough torture watching her die once but a second time was traumatic, I hated the dream and the rain, my mother hated the rain and she hated water so much unless it was in a cup when she was alive, I felt my heart breaking a second time but this wasn't the first time, I've had several dreams of her surviving that night she died at the hospital but then dying again which was pure torture for me every time I dream about it.
I picked up my phone trying to seek answers on the internet, "maybe her spirit wanted to comfort you, maybe you missed her and kept thinking of her, maybe your brain was processing the loss". I got many suggestions but I couldn't deny the fact that even after nine years I still hoped she would come back and tell me she never died, even looking at her grave couldn't convince me she was really dead after all these years, I had not processed her death nor grieved properly because I was still in denial and somehow blamed myself for her death, I often found myself thinking if I had done one or two things differently nine years ago my mother would be with me but I knew the situation was beyond my control. No doubt, my mum's death was an ambiguous loss and that played a huge part in my inability to grieve properly.
I thought, could this be my brain's way of telling me it was time to let her go or time to stop with the self blame? but after speaking to a friend who is a psychologist this afternoon I found the answer, I was stuck at the denial stage of grief despite the long number of years since it happened, I barely ever talked about her death and no one around me did, I never really cried since her burial, I always held my tears back and said to myself that it would not be nice breaking down in tears. I had thought about my future without her rather I try to imagine her being with me till I get old. I had unintentionally kept myself stuck in the hospital nine years ago, little wonder my dreams about her only revolved around her coming back from the hospital and me having to witness her die again.
Today, I have decided to let myself go through all the first five stages of grieving, from my present denial to anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I hope to finally learn how to let her go at the end.
