(Thumbnail made using a Canva.com pro account, photo credit goes to Andrew Poplavski )
I lost my job and my home. I lost my friends. I lost money on investments, and I lost faith that tomorrow will be better than it is today.
What's worse? I'm not alone. Although she is better at hiding it, I can feel the same hopelessness hanging over my wife like a storm cloud.
2020 has pulled the rug away and exposed the fragilities of people's livelihoods by no fault of their own. Or perhaps it is their fault. Perhaps the Pandemic is affording us all a little plausible deniability regarding how unsustainable our lives truly are, or were.
How could anyone have prepared for a year like 2020?
How does a business owner prepare in advance for his Government forcing his business to close for 10+ months? How does a person in a specialized career prepare for their entire industry closing down overnight?
How do I tell my wife that without insurance there's no way we can continue fertility treatments?
How can I treat the growing pain in my lungs that is slowly robbing me of the ability to breathe? I can't get a proper diagnosis out of fear of the debt it will accrue. I've never felt an ache like this before that sometimes crescendos into a stabbing, unbearable stinging.
So I take whatever meds I can to lessen the pain and to reduce whatever inflamation that I think might be causing this.
My deteriorating health aside, dim has been the mood, and dark have been the days.
The combined vision we constructed has all but crumbled to dust.
Though for some reason, hope lingers like an itch that refuses to go away. Depression scratches at it but like eczema it moves and persists.
Even with no clear path forward, something makes me feel like the worse is behind us (pending health crisis aside)
Thankfully I am afforded a moment to reflect and assess. Here I am, once again pouring my thoughts across this page.
Lost in a miasma of self doubt, uncertainty, frustration and agitation.
It has atrophied my will to create, and as a result I have taken a 'break' from the things I truly enjoy.
I wouldn't call it burnout, more so, my mental bandwith has been used up processing all of this.
Passions atrophy, stagnate and petrify. Desires are swallowed by ceaseless worrying and pontificating. Problem solving became my sole obsession, distancing me from the things I love and that love me in return. Moments of clarity are precious and not to be wasted. In those moments I try to refocus and find a way through to where I can be productive and committed to action.
It's that rare gem of rationality that illuminates but a few steps, enough to stop myself from tripping over. Enough to regain some balance so I can create again.
I have 4 drafts that I have been working on. I suppose now the ordeal, or at least a phase of the ordeal is over I can start reclaiming that waning confidence and get back to posting.
Here is a snapshot of a module I am writing for Dark Heresy, the Warhammer 40k table-top roleplaying game.
Once it is complete I hope to have videos of my friends and I playing it out online over Discord.
Warhammer 40k is easily a hobby I am most passionate about. I have invested so much of myself into it since my early teens from collecting models, to writing fanfiction, to roleplaying and of course, painting.
More on that later.
Now I need to tell the story of what I've been through over the past few months.
Consider this a disjointed time-line.
Walk with me and watch me overcome failure.
It Started Out Rough - But Manageable
My wife and I recently moved from California to Nevada due to the Covid shutdowns. This was a pretty major move for us as it consumed nearly all our resources. Against the odds though it actually went pretty well all things considered. We moved with the in-laws and settled ourselves in to ride out this whole thing.
Hard to ignore the impact it had on us though, and how drastically our lives changed.
As I mentioned above we lost our health insurance and our access to fertility treatments. Our savings were obliterated, and some belongings of ours had to be abandoned, as as we didn't have the resources to take them with us - namely my Ford Ranger which couldn't make the drive, and with no Hotels open and no apartment, there was no way to stay in town to find a buyer. We were unable to sell it or do anything for it... So it was abandoned.
In that time I rediscovered Hive and the amazing ecosystem it facilitates. I diverted some of my meager holdings over here and have since grown my account a healthy degree.
I'm now a Dolphin 💪 and my goal is now to reach 10k Hive - though... I am conflicted over this, which I will talk more about later.
I've made a lot of friends, joined a lot of discords and forged some nice connections on here during this quarantine.
What's more exciting is that my wife @pommom discovered the magic of the Blockchain as well, getting into games such as @RisingStarGame and Exode. In fact she still plays it every day, and her account is nearly up to 1000 NFTs
I'd say she clocks more hours on Rising Star than any other game she's played in 2020. Never in my years did I ever think that would happen - 2020 sure was crazy.
At this stage it felt like a sort of normalcy was beginning to form.
It was going smoothly, until that smoothness began to erode away.
Don't get me wrong - the thrill of Hive earnings and the many different things to do here are fulfilling in their own way - however, it's not much of a replacement for gainful employment. Money aside, it doesn't have the responsibilities, challenges and interactions that I can only get from having a job - it's my true sense of normality in a way.
My wife and I are workers.
We've been dedicated workers our entire adult lives and being without a job or some kind of meaningful and gainful occupation is a frightening aspect.
Too much free time allows the creeping existential dread to worm its way in, and that's what it was doing.
Then as if on queue the only thing keeping us going was stripped away.
The First Crash
The State of California forced all recipients of unemployment insurance to submit proof of identification and residence or else their payments would be halted. This is something I've already done when my initial claim was submitted, however due to the all the fraud that was going on, we had to do it again.
Big deal right? How hard can that be?
If you're not involved in this humanitarian crisis that no one is talking about, then I don't blame you for thinking that.
When I tell you that it is IMPOSSIBLE to contact the Employment Development Center of California, I'm not joking. Hundreds of thousands of people inundate them every day with calls, and crash their servers with DDOS levels of traffic, with people logging on and doing their various things.
When I tried to submit my ID verification, they must have been experiencing some major difficulties, because the form submitted without any attachments - despite my attempts.
This caused my form to have no verification, and thus I was automatically disqualified.
This was my one shot to secure an income, and I did everything right, yet here I am, robbed of my income for a second time by the same people - the California government. Make no mistake, this is money I have paid into the system which I am entitled to.
They shut down my job, and now they've shut down my benefits that I am legally entitled to, and there's no one to call, no one I can email, nothing. Absolutely nothing.
This was more devastating than losing my job, and was compounded by the fact that there's absolutely NO WAY to rectify it. I've emailed 4 different representatives in California, and nothing.
I am my only help.
So that's what I tried to to - time to get a job!
The Dead-Cat Bounce
You'd think landing a job would be a good thing. Hard to argue that it isn't, especially so if you land a job on your very first attempt like I did.
I applied for the Night Audit position at the Aquarius Casino and within a week I had an interview, and the next day I had the job. It was a sweet auditing gig that I know I'd be good at. It was full time with benefits and some decent pay, not to mention it was with a giant gaming company with room to move up.
What a 'hole in one' I thought. What a way to dig myself out of a bad situation and get myself upright and on the proper rails again.
As it turns out, during the move several boxes were not delivered. One of these boxes contained several important documents such as my Passport, my Social Security Card, and my Green Card proof of alien residency.
The trifecta - the immigrants work engine and all of its components - all gone and nowhere to be found. We called the moving company, we looked through all of our belongings and nada - not a thing.
HR needed my SSN or they could not pay me.
I panicked.
I rang every agency I could, I tore the garage apart looking for these documents but to no avail.
By the grace of God, the Aqaurius decided they would wait for me and said all I needed was a RECEPIT that my SSN was on its way - and so the mad scramble began.
The Second Crash
The order of acquisition went like this.
1: Get my Passport
2: Use that to get my Green Card.
3: Use my Green Card to get my Social Security Card.
4: Use my SSN receipt to keep my job.
I called the consulate and the USCIS immediately and got the ball rolling. $1100 later, all applications were filed and the soonest appointments possible were set.
Two days later, I was on the road to Los Angeles.
5 hours there (due to traffic and accidents) and four and a half hours back in a single day.
9 hours and 45 minutes of driving.
When I finally got to L.A it was during the busiest time of the day, and even with the lockdowns it was bumper to bumper for the most part.
The consulate building was near deserted though - hardly a soul to be seen save for the receptionist and a few guards. I didn't have to wait and basically went right up to the consulate's office. There the appointment took seconds. I paid some money, handed some forms - they took my photo, and I was done.
This is me directly after; dazed, tired and bewildered at how easy the appointment was.
Maybe I was going to pull this all together. Maybe I'd Houdini the crap out of this whole mess and work some actual magic.
Again I was wrong.
The fastest shipping was 2 weeks. Would my job wait that long?
I called the Social Security Office to see if I could book an appointment in advance and they said due to covid everything is being done via the postal service, and to expect a 3 week wait.
Holy shit.
"Well all I need is the receipt, can't I just come in and get one?" I asked him.
"That will be mailed to you, and it'll probably arrive after your SSN card does."
2 weeks for the passport, 3 for the SSN and somewhere in the middle of those two I had to schedule a USCIS appointment to get my Green Card.
Suddenly defeat began to creep back in. Snatched from the jaws of victory.
I called HR and let them know the dire news.
"I'll inform the department, but I don't think they'll be able to wait that long." She relayed in an annoyed tone, as though I were slighting them in some way.
A day later I got the call, and the job offer was rescinded.
Capitulation
No income, no job, and a 5 week gap between now and any kind of resolution.
Thank God Caroline was still getting her unemployment benefits or else our bills would have bankrupted us.
During this time I fell to my lowest point. I felt useless and worthless. I felt like I had destroyed the best opportunity I could have here in this new town... I humiliated myself. There's no way I could be seen as professional by the Aquarius now.. I didn't know what to do.
In this time Caroline got inundated with job offers and her implacable optimism really helped pull me through. She really is an amazing person and I'm glad she didn't have to go through this crap.
So, fighting my depression I stayed up later and later every night. Seems counter intuitive doesn't it? I suppose it was to an extent.
In that time I got to talk to my friends and escape into some old interests and memories.
For the first time in a few years I fired up 'Warhammer 2: Total War' and gave that a go. Whooping my friends really helped dispel the feelings of uselessness lol.
Anyway,
I was talking to my mate Brad about how back in the day we used to play Warhammer 40k.
I collected Imperial Guard, or Astra Militarum as they're now called
I decided that I needed to do something to make me happy while I was forced to wait, and so I withdrew some of my Crypto investments and purchased some models. By far this was the best decision I could have made as the distractions it afforded me were amazing.
So, two weeks went by and I got my Passport.
With that I booked my USCIS appointment which was another week and a half away. Once I got my passport stamped with proof of residency I then was able to send my SSN application in.
3 weeks later I received my documents back along with a REJECTION LETTER
They refused to give me my SSN, so I called them up and abused the hell out of them.
The Fight
I'm not a very confrontational guy, I hate getting angry... though I'll admit, I'm not beyond it.
I'll get angry and you'll wish I didn't, whether you're the target of my anger or just a witness.
You have to keep in mind that during this I had not been paid in weeks, we were surviving on almost nothing and we were getting desperate.
When I got the rejection letter I saw red.
So much time had already been wasted. So many opportunities to be working, earning money and actually doing something besides stagnating passed me by.
I called the Social Security office and demanded an in-person appointment. I told him that I am going to try everything in my power to get the person who rejected my application fired, because someone that incompetent shouldn't have such an important job.
The voice on the phone made a bad mistake - he admitted that he was the one who rejected it.
At that point I let him have it. I called him incompetent and blamed him for the misery I was going through. I spelled out very clearly why he is a fuck-wit, and why I'm going to get him fired - which he took rather graciously.
He wanted me to send my application in again, and I laughed at him.
"I don't trust that you're capable of reviewing this on your own, I need to be there to hold your hand. I need to physically show you my proof of residence, because clearly you are unable to do it on your own."
He tried multiple times to get me to post it through again, I'm guessing he really didn't want to see me in person. Each time I called him stupid, too stupid to trust with such an important task. I demanded to see them in person because I had no confidence in his ability to work independently.
Eventually he conceded and scheduled an appointment that same Friday. Good.
After I hung up I wrote an email to the representative in his area making my complaint very clear.
Nearly Two and a Half Months After Getting the Job
The person met with me and was very dismissive of the whole thing. He claimed ignorance of the proof of residence,
"The USCIS usually notifies us when they start stamping passports."
Yeah right. Like that makes it any better.
If the Hotel I (could have) worked at got a reservation from a company I had never heard of, I'd still know how to process it. I'd still know how to do my job.
So, Passport, Proof of Residency and SSN in hand I went job searching once again.
Thankfully I'm pretty darn good at selling myself.
Within a week I had an interview, and after the interview I got the job.
I'm practically born to be a night auditor I think.
Rebirth
I hope this passion follows through into more of my content here on Hive. I would love to showcase my builds, my paint schemes and battles. I can see a future where I post battle report videos to 3speak as well as tutorials on how to paint, convert and magnetize models.
I also plan on sharing the rich lore I have created for my army, along with future fan fictions and roleplay modules - all set in the Warhammer 40k universe. I hope this content finds a nice home among the Hive Gaming community, and hopefully I inspire some others to rediscover some old passions as well.
Now a new chapter can begin.
From now on the content I produce will be lighter and less depressing, and more joyful and thankful to be indulging in the things I love, and to be sharing it with you all.
I hope you have been well, I hope you have been safe.
Here's to 2021, may it be better than 2020, may it bring us all wonder, excitement and hope for things to come.
Thank you again
Simon Tonkin
Wow. What a journey. I look forward to seeing your next chapter ... as I'm sure you do as well! And thank you for that awesome delegation to freewriters. I'm excited about what we (all of us) can do together over there!
Thanks man, talking about it was a pretty uncomfortable thing but I'm glad I did it. Freewriters is the community where I feel most at home and the one I most enjoy. I love the dedication and creativity, glad to see you're still around