Hello everyone on Hive. I am Finding my creative voice (hopefully)

It has taken me a long time to get here, but here I am. As I have just put into my new bio..."sometimes you have to lose yourself completely in order to find the you, you were meant to be".

Hello everyone on Hive, I am Ella.

I have found my way here via a long, winding and not so wondrous road. Without joining this space, I have actually been actively reading and exploring blogs on here for about four months now. Why? because I needed to find an escape.

I was seeking "blog options" and through this exercise, at some point landed onto hive and thus a post by @galenkp. The post was Life Impression. Having gone through so much myself, the message in this piece of writing resonated with me very strongly - also (and in addition) his helping another so willingly really just reminded me that even on the days which I doubt myself most, I need to remember that there are still good people in this world and also... I do not suck at life as much as I often tell myself! It became an almost common practice for me to sit down and seek out posts to read here on Hive, and many of the stories shared are the reason why I have ended up right here, right now... so, thank you (all the blogs I read) for that!

As I have already introduced, I am Ella. Ella Anne actually - but most people just call me "El". One of the things I gathered when scouting about was that people mostly do these introduction posts. I hope this fits the bill - and I suppose I had better get to the "introduction part" now.

I am not entirely sure how I should describe myself. To be honest, this is something that makes me quite uncomfortable. I suppose, if I were to use two descriptions they would be "an artist" and "an old soul". The former, because I have always looked to creative expression as a form of release and the latter, because that is what so many people have told me I am.

Mostly, I am just awkward though. Sure, I have talents and all the rest... but society mostly makes me feel inadequate. I used to escape my insecurities through drugs. It worked really well actually, for as long as any one of them lasted. I could conquer the world when I was high, but sadly reality always caught up with me, and I was not quite as boisterous without them.

The truth is, I lost it all because of the choices my insecurities led me to. Including myself. I lost myself. It did not feel good. Judging by some of the writers here and the posts I have read over the last few months, I am guessing I am not alone in this.

Creative expression is probably one of the few spaces I feel completely free to be myself and I suppose, that is because more often than not for me, it is through visual expression. This may sound ridiculous to many, but one form of expression I have become particularly attached to is lines.

Yes, lines. I draw lines. why? Cocaine. That's why. No, I am not using cocaine when I draw lines, lol. but I did used to use it. It was always a primary ingredient to a deadly cocktail. It was a part of my demise. Now I use it to channel my own success as a person. I am an absolute color junkie and have always loved abstract art. Standing at a fork in my own road, led me down a path of exploring "blind expression through music". I guess, it is a little like "automatic writing" (if you may know what that is). Essentially it is a process of letting go. You simply allow the music to dictate the color, stroke, movement - everything. It is in those moments, I am most free.

You will notice that most of my "chaos in lines" is encompassed within a very neat square. This is also not without intent. It is my reminder to myself that whilst it is acceptable to express the emotions I feel through my art, I also need to keep those emotions in check - do not allow them to get the better of me, because often... that is when I would go down my already well beaten track.

Not everyone will "get this". I know that and it is ok. I am more than accustomed to lack of acceptance, but I have also made the decision that I will no longer allow it to make me weaker as an individual, which is why I turned it on its head. Used my weakness to find my strength. Lines... yes. Lines!

My choices until now have cost me everything. Professional and personal. Eventually, I landed up in a space which began to teach me about myself, life, my intentions and the way forward. It was through this growth that I decided I should pursue the artist in me.

I gave this account the name "exploring ella" because that is precisely what I am doing. Finding myself. Finding myself and sharing it with you along the way. I have realized that not only do I want this form of release, but need it. It feeds my soul and it contributes to my healing.

I am hoping this is a good space for me.

I want to tell more about my story through my art... and maybe some words. Those are my safe spaces, but am also willing and looking forward to stepping outside of my comfort zones. I really want to connect some good and positive people here on Hive. I need it.

Before I disappear, I wanted to acknowledge some of the other incredible peoples blogs I have been reading / stalking :D from the side lines for the last few months which inspired me and gave me the confidence to take the plunge!!!... I would love to connect with you all! Your writing, sharing, courage and expression has been a light in my life when I needed it most. It is is because of all of you that I find myself here. Your writing, your photos, jokes and energy has inspired me for such a long time!!!!!! I just wanna share some of my sunshine here too!

@gubbahomestead @travelgirl @saffisara @eveuncovered @waybeyondpadthai @stellify @itchyfeetdonica @dswigle @tarazkp @denmarkguy

Its going to be fun, I am sure!

Signing out for now...
ELLA <3

PS. I see there are like a million communities here. I feel lost!!!!!!!! I do not know where to start. I looked through many of them and the first one I found that didnt seem to be content specific, was gems. I saw a lot of different things there. so that is where I posted, but I would love to know more about maybe others?

Thank you for reading my blurb!!!! I am ridiculously excited to be here!