Just Got Out Of the Psychological Traps of Gaming

Day 1: Quit Cold turkey.

Hey I just quit this MMORPG that I've been addicted to for months - yes! This is why I was away for a long time. Don't worry, it's not that I fell in love (impossible given my diabolical intentions) with someone or whatever. Seriously tho I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms now, like I lost access to that drug or something. I'm also extremely paranoid that all the toxic people from the gaming community might even find me here. I lost that false sense of human connection on Discord and realized that those players/gamers I talked to everyday wouldn't even make an effort to meet up, and even if I've made some good friends there - sadly the friendship didn't last. It's really just a game.

The toxicity in competitive gaming outweigh the positives I got from it. Then there's also that false sense achievement - I really thought I was strong that I could annihilate all - but this was just my diabolika ego. And that is only to make up for the lack of ability to obliterate mankind totally in real life lol. But yeah, to be fair, I was already kicking ass in PVP. The past few months, I was passionate and put so much time and effort into improving my character skills. I was killing some players who have been practicing for years - which had become a problem in the end. A losing battle against fragile egos and cave-dwellers. If I could devote more time, I could already win tournaments but then I realized that I don't have the time nor the mental strength to put up with the daily toxicity anymore. As a female player, the reality was that I got triggered and trashtalked all the time especially when I Pked other players. Some of these players just couldn't accept that I could be competitive too, because I really am, and not just in game. It wasn't easy to just focus on my game and ignore everything, things got into me eventually to the point that I would think about getting even in game all the day. I value my peace of mind and mental health more than the fun and dopamine kicks I get from competitive gaming. It's time to stop.

It's better for me to channel my competitiveness into real life activities that are more productive and beneficial to my overall wellbeing. Some things that are not addicting and don't provide instant gratification. I could go back to traveling and nature activities even. Or start focusing on getting irl status and being successful instead. Yes, it's easy to forget about work when there's an addicting hobby that keeps me distracted. I should focus on making more money and getting promotion. Things that will give me a good quality of life and help me become a pleasant human being.

Well, it's not too late, when the PVP toxicity finally took its toll on me, I declared that I'm leaving for good. It's hard. I feel anxious and lonely again. It's like the world is moving slow, time is so slow, but at least now I can go back to being creative again and find better and healthier coping strategies.

What happened to me? How did I get here? Some months ago I was still consumed by my grief and I was totally in denial. I was too desperate to escape from myself. I pushed people away and isolated myself even more. I got into therapy and journalling which definitely helped but I still lack some other coping strategies. So my friends reintroduced me to this MMORPG that I used to play back in the day and immediately got me hooked. I even spent some real life money in game for items just to be able to deal a bit more damage or just to be able to look stronger. I got so addicted that it didn't even bother me that I'm spending a lot of money for this game because I thought I was happy anyway, until I realized I wasn't. I was just trying to fill the void and escape reality. I lost balance and slowly had forgotten about my other productive activities such as boxing, swimming, and journalling. It came to a point that I would rather stay indoors to play games instead of traveling, meeting up with old friends or making new friends. My life before was completely different and I think this is what loneliness could do to someone. I was desperate not to feel pain but in the end I felt more pain.

There's more harm to my mental wellbeing than entertainment and enjoyment, and so I quit. At my age my social life sucked and I resorted to the attention of toxic males in game. I know it's not everyone but those who express interest are mostly lonely and are lacking social/communication skills. People who won't treat you as they would in real ife. I met those who are at the bottom of the barrel and find it easier to exhibit toxic behavior. These are the bullies who would trigger me constantly or kill me on sight just for negative attention. I know this is the reality in gaming these days but I just couldn't handle this anymore. People who exceled in their game sacrificed their jobs and are not doing anything else in their lives - exactly the type of friend that I'm not looking for.I've realized that I need to expose myself to a healthier and more positive communities.

I'm hoping to go back to blogging/journalling as this is by far the healthiest way to express my thoughts and heal. I also need to focus on my financial and career goals now - things that I've been neglecting these past few months due to the pyschological traps of gaming. Yes, I need to get my life back on track because next year I plan to travel again, slowly this time, and perhaps become a digital nomad or something. I don't need to escape reality anymore and I'm ready to face life's ills again like a strong warrior that I am.