What happened while I was away

So I’ve been away for a while. The extraordinary did not happen: I didn’t get to meet Elon Musk or go to Mars. I haven’t been inventing a magic potion for becoming invisible and neither did I find a golden nugget in my tap water. The absence of a person can mean so many things and while something can happen while you are away, there are some things which don’t.

Every person has a turning point in their lives when too much is too much. Hardships occur and the way we look at what happens is going to dictate how we feel about it. For me my plate was full for quite some time. I am a strong person and I managed to go through some adversities and keep my shoulders straight. But I know where my Achille’s spot is. And I needed this break in order to get clarity and healing and rest.

First things first. A heartbreak doesn’t heal when you want it to. I tried. The irony is that the more you try to put it under the rug, the more it screams. Yes, even beautiful girls get heartbroken. The hardest part for me was to accept that I wasn’t loved although I still had feelings for the guy. It is truly painful to experience this kind of love, where you give more of what the other person doesn’t appreciate. Now I understand that each person has a language and some only know the language of pain. You can try to keep talking love to them, but they won’t get you. It isn’t the adult who is getting hurt in relationships, it is the small child. We recreate our familiar patterns in love and I can see clearly how I gravitated towards the familiar: pain, absence, indifference, even hatred. The steps toward healing after a heartbreak are different. For me it appeared to be like pealing an onion with my eyes wide open and pouring the juice straight into my iris. It hurt.

It hurts when you are in the waiting game , when you hope for that person to change, to show that they are sorry, to make something to change themselves (best tip: you can only change yourself) Those actions might never come. And you wait, sometimes curled up in pain and tears like a small baby who has been abandoned. If people would be aware of how cruel their behavior can be, they would think twice before pretending to love someone. I don’t think that many know what they are actually doing when they do bad things. People are not bad, the things that they do can be bad. The thing which makes a difference is what you do after you find out about how your actions damaged someone. Bad words, verbal abuse, mental abuse or even worse abuse has consequences. It takes a lot of time to heal from that.

The waiting game destroys the heart as it slowly reveals what I was trying to ignore: the feelings of love from that person were never there, it was all in my head. It’s hard to open your eyes to the real story because it hurts to admit that you clinged so much and hold on to someone who just didn’t want you. I looked back and saw that it didn’t matter if I was even to climb Everest for that person, it was irrelevant. When someone loves you they will show you, you won’t have to force it from them. You can’t force someone to love you, no matter how beautiful and wonderful you are. Do they still cling to their ex? Do they still want to hurt you by blocking and deleting you from their lives? Do they move on with their lives like nothing happened, never giving you the apologies you deserve? Are you still crying because of them? Are you still hoping they would apologize? Why? This was my internal dialogue and it made me have the difficult conversations with myself. It wasn’t easy. We pick our relationships. So why did I pick pain and unrequited love? Why did I pick emotionally unavailable people? Why did I pick to love and not be loved? A heartbreak will make you visit inner places inside yourself which you wish had remained closed. Because all the wounds are there, screaming, wanting to get out. It is a dark place, where you question your worth, your existence, your purpose. I am not surprised that so many of us choose to inflict pain to others rather than taking this grueling journey inside ourselves and tackle our own demons. Then we can see that a heartbreak can also be a gift for healing. It can show you why you have made some choices and pinpoint the wound. Will you choose to heal it or will you try to close the door and run away toward another relationship? It is difficult to forget someone when your mind tells you one thing and your heart another. The thing is that facts scream the most: when they don’t do anything…it is because there is nothing in their heart for you, as harsh and painful that sounds. And for me it was definitely harsh to open my eyes to this reality.
I am sure that in old age we will all regret what we didn’t do versus what we did. In this matter I can be at peace because oh boy did I try... I tried it all and went over my head for this person, even when it was long over I wanted to be sure they are ok, even if they would not reciprocate my care. I have forgiven things they did that few women would forgive. Now I understand another valuable lesson: people can’t give you more of what they don’t have. Some people don’t have love for themselves, how on Earth will they ever be able to give to another person? I was able to recognize myself as being the tormentor in some of my past relationships, where there was the other on the receiving line of my indifference and pain. And now I can see clearly how it wasn’t about them, it was about me. I wasn’t healed, I wasn’t aware and I did not knew the language of love. Nobody taught me so I had to teach myself. Now that I experienced this, I can see how that person is on their own journey. Maybe they will never realize they were loved, maybe they won’t even care that they’ve hurt me. They will move on with their lives and tell to themselves that everything is ok. They will put the blame on another ex who was “crazy”. I don’t mind. I realize that it is necessary for me to let go of them because true mutual love is the foundation of life. Even on Hive I can tell that what people want most is love, appreciation and kindness. The real deal, not the fake random comments done with the sole purpose of gaining attention. Genuine love doesn’t have to be squeezed and forced just like you can’t force someone to be loyal to Hive and stay for the long run instead of cashing out. I am sure that amongst Hive members there are many who had their own heartbreaks and it takes a lot of courage to admit that we are humans and that we can suffer.

The funny thing is that after I had to go through this long process, which will still continue as it is getting a bit better everyday, I appreciate love EVEN MORE. I realize that there is nothing more precious than having someone in your life who truly wants you and values you, who would not do stupid stuff which could make them lose you. It is easy to become a cynic and dismiss love after you have been hurt. I write in a journal received from that person while trying to heal from the pain they have caused me. Ironic…. but powerful! After the veil of pain washes away, I can still clearly see that all what matters is love. And I believe in it. I believe in having someone who would cuddle you when you are least worthy of it, I believe in having someone to share success and failure with, I believe in someone who rushes to hug you when you open the doors of your home. Beyond money, material possessions, career and crypto fame and NFT’s, there is love. You can’t buy it, you can’t force it, you can’t fake it. It’s either there or not. And no matter how beautiful , rich, accomplished or poor we are, we all desire it and at the end of the day, when you draw the line, we both know that what matters is that you have someone to hold your hands while you hold theirs. A mutual choice to be in each other’s lives. We choose to be in the relationships we think we deserve. And the other person, as much as they have made you suffer, can be a great spiritual teacher. Love is an action. It has to be proven, cared for, groomed like a baby flower. Beautiful relationships are a lot of work. I look at my own family and realize I did not have a good model: my parents didn’t love each other. I look at my exes’s families and realize the same thing: they also did not have a good model. It is powerful ….what you see when you grow up. Some never saw their parents hug or kiss each other. How sad is that?

Some parents are invisibly divorced and when you see that, you believe it is love: pain and sitting in a bad relationship. Settling. Gosh I really dislike settling. Don’t settle for anything less! I see what people become when they’ve settled for decades in an unloving relationship . It is utterly sad. Unhappy mothers cling to their sons , unhappy dads cling to their daughters. Or they are absent emotionally and the adult has serious emotional issues with attachment. The parents aren’t happy for their children’s happiness and sabotage him/her, the child who is an adult will sabotage any chance to happiness because this is the dynamic they have learned as a child. This is not a way to educate a child about love. As much as we need wordly things like money and accomplishments, we also need more love and emotional education. We first need to learn how to love ourselves because this is the first step in learning how to love others. I had to learn this in adulthood because I did not get to see this in my childhood. Many of us have to do our own work now, when we are all grown up, because there is no other way. I can choose to sit in cynism and blame my parents, the school, the system, the exes or I can choose to open the doors of my inner demons and pet them. Heck, maybe we even become friends!

Acknowledging your own pain is huge. It is only then when you begin to stop smearing with dirt the other person and instead really wish them well, despite the fact they have left your heart in a million pieces. The real thing that they have did is to have put a mirror in your face and show you the wounds of your own soul. A part of me will always have love for this person, although I am now at peace that they did not love me or want to build a life with me therefore they have chosen their way instead of changing for the better. It is perfectly ok (not easy to digest though) and in a way who am I to sit in their way, maybe their ex is their true love or maybe their true love is on their way because I am out of their lives. So when you begin to think this way you stop being a prisoner of your own pain. And this is how inner peace settles in. If I were to die tomorrow I would die at peace in this matter, knowing that I allowed myself to fully love in this lifetime. And for a child who did not grow up seeing healthy love, that’s huge. That’s vulnerability and a wounded heart put on a plate.

I often think that I have suffered because of the fact that I couldn’t let go of what might have been, in that perfect scenario where the guy realizes the mistakes and magically corrects his behavior working it through. But when I remember the bad things I can realize the lack of love that I have experienced from that person. And that is an indicator of the fact that I wasn’t wanted in that emotional space. And that is ok. Things move on. I still smile when I see couples in love, holding their hands. I still believe in love because at my core I am a romantic person. I was talking with a friend about relationships and she has told me a thing which stuck with me: we are never completely healed on our own, we always heal through our good relationships. I think that she is right and maybe this is what all couples try to do at a deeper level: to heal their childhood wounds together with a partner who is willing to do their own healing and hold the hands of the other in the process while they do theirs. If a relationship only causes you misery, tears, leaving you torn and feeling unloved and constantly put down…that is most likely trauma bond. I am sure that when a person loves themselves and you, they make it work, anything other than that are excuses. And life is so damn short….We have no guarantee that we will be here tomorrow. If only more of us would realize this sooner, the world would focus on living life at its fullest and being genuinely fulfilled rather than making other people suffer.

Another thing which I have learned from this heartbreak was the fact that I have to be patient with myself and give myself time to heal and to understand my feelings. My rational mind told me all of the reasons why this person clearly did not love me ( facts don’t lie) , but my heart refused to understand and accept it. I am happy that I did not jump to meet a new person, that I refused to engage on any dating apps and that I took my time with this. I realize that it wasn’t only this heartbreak that I mourned, it was all of my previous wounds, a trauma which was deeply rooted in my childhood. I am so very sure that many members from Hive carry their own hidden struggles as well and we all have our own intimate emotions which can’t be seen or known by everybody. Even my previous tormentor carries a struggle of his own. I will never be happy to know that someone suffers, even if they have caused me trauma. I think that all the people I have met and did me harm would have done better if they were healed. But in order to heal you must first admit that you are hurt, that you have a problem. And after this comes the exhausting task of solving family trauma, which involves heavy conversations with parents and changing the WHOLE dynamic of the family. This is hard as I have done it myself. Many don’t succeed, many lie to themselves and go on, many have no clue where their anger and hatred comes from. Darling, you hate your mommy and/or daddy and that’s ok. You will have the romantic relationships that mirror your relationship with the opposite sex parent, you can deny it or you can work on it. Either way, it will stick with you whether you admit it or not. But if we want to become better people we have to do the healing, no matter how old we are. The rage we see on people , in real life or on social media, it all stems from trauma. A happy person won’t go randomly screwing other people over and having fun knowing that they have caused pain. What I wish for all the guys who did not love me and caused me harm…is to heal.

Healed people make a better world, even if they won’t do it for me or with me. And I think that the most durable authentic change is the one that people do for THEMSELVES. It is not selfish to think of yourself and put yourself first. It is healthy and actually the only way in which you can later give more to others. In a perfect world, my tormentor has healed and maybe, maybe they will have the courage to dare to at least try to love someone for real and see how it is. Because living a life without love and blocking it like it is some kind of disease is a life which is wasted on building walls instead of roads. Walls separate while roads unite. Walls create a dark closed world while roads take you to unseen new places. We always have the choice and the price of inaction is far worse than having done what you have felt, even if it had meant to put your heart into the shredder.

So this is what the whole break from Hive was about? A plain old heartbreak and working on your inner peace more? You did not go to Hawaii to relax? Come on, give us something juicier

When you heart aches and you fall asleep with tears coming down your eyes and you blow your nose like a sad baby it gets juicy. Heartbreak and trauma originated snots are the most satisfying to blow from your nostrils. Jokes aside, there is nothing more. I am in process of figuring out more of what I want to do with my life and that will include some changes and I will probably talk about them in my future posts. Meanwhile I have build a habit of writing regularly in my healing journal with an old fashioned feather writing pen which I received as a gift for my birthday from a dear friend. I have turned 32 years old on 02.02.2022. It felt wonderful to know that I am a bit better as a person in comparison with last year. I was also very sick for two weeks and I had a friend stopping by and bringing me pills and bagels. Something which would not have happened if I were to get sick when I did not have a proper home. He had fun taking some pictures of my sick self with my Fuji because he is a photographer in his free time and he wanted to test my gear. I dearly kept the photos as a reminder that health is huge and that I should practice daily gratitude for every day when I wake up and breathe.

Not the usual glam hair , this is sick palm tree kind of hair. I am beautiful either way

Every person has a heart and it is most likely wounded by other people who were there before you in their lives. So it will never hurt to at least be neutral if you can’t be kind. Plain simple kindness is so underrated and often people say and do nasty things without realizing how devastating it can be for someone who was already down and beaten up by their own internal struggles.

I am still amazed how we people are built: even after the most horrible traumas, some of us can regenerate and choose love instead of hatred and resent. And for me this is the only language I will ever want to learn until I will no longer be here: the language of love. It is universal and it will truly touch anybody’s soul no matter how far they are. No trauma will take this away from me, it will only reveal it more. I hope it will do the same for you, wherever you might be in the world , facing your own pain and suffering. Take your time, heart heals and love always knows the right road. And for me, admitting my struggle in healing is an act of courage and I am proud for having shown this side of my life. This quote from one of my favorite authors sums it all up pretty well: One’s ships come in over a calm sea(Florence Scovel Shinn). No force, no suffering, no resistance. What is yours comes to you and stays. Remember that everytime you will feel like shedding a tear for the love you did not receive.