Hace poco estaba conversando con un amigo. El me comentaba que sentía la necesidad pasar tiempo a solas para poder lidiar con un duelo con el que ha venido cargando desde hace un año y con el cual sencillamente no saber qué hacer. Me comentaba además que cuando hablaba de ese problema con otras personas el consejo que más recibía era “tienes que afrontarlo”.
Él me dijo que no sabía cómo afrontar ese duelo y en lo personal siento que ese término es algo violento.
De acuerdo con internet, afrontar puede entenderse como hacer cara a un peligro, problema o una situación comprometida. Pienso que este concepto no es el idóneo para asociarlo a la idea del duelo.
Se puede tener duelo por un montón de razones. La pérdida de un familiar, la terminación de una relación, el fin de una amistad, o hasta un duelo por la nostalgia que produce la culminación de ciertas etapas de la vida.
En todos estos casos, se trata de vínculos afectos tan íntimos que terminaron de una forma abrupta por algún motivo. Es por ello que siento que el hecho de que una relación así haya terminado necesita de un profundo proceso de introspección en el cual se entienda las etapas del duelo. Entender todos los sentimientos de ira, frustración y desesperación que se pueden experimentar.
Y una vez logrados comprender y reconciliarse con cada uno de los sentimientos negativos asociados al duelo se debería empezar con un proceso de integración. Y es que ese vínculo que se acabo fue tan importante en tu vida que el hecho que se haya terminado te trastoco de una forma que jamás pensaste que podías experimentar. Ese vínculo te dio tantos buenos momentos y te hizo crecer tanto que al final te convirtió en la persona que eres hoy en día. Y ante todo ello debes darle gracias. Saber que, aunque ya no puedes contar con una persona en particular, esa persona sigue viviendo dentro de ti. Sigue siendo un lugar al cual puedes buscar apoyo cuando sientas que necesites fuerzas o un lugar para rememorar la persona que eras y todo lo que has crecido y todo lo que ha cambiado de este entonces.
Y así, estando agradecido con todo lo que paso, puedes soltar mucho más libremente tu pasado y seguir adelante con tu vida, pues sabes que ese pasado ya forma parte de ti y no puedes separarte de él. Solo puedes aceptarlo y seguir tu camino.
I was recently having a conversation with a friend. He told me that he felt the need to spend time alone to deal with a grief that he has been carrying for a year and that he simply doesn't know what to do about. He also told me that when he talked about this problem with other people the advice he received the most was "you have to deal with it".
He told me that he did not know how to cope with the grief and I personally feel that this term is somewhat violent.
According to the internet, coping can be understood as facing a danger, problem or a compromising situation. I think that this concept is not the right one to associate with the idea of grief.
You can grieve for a lot of reasons. The loss of a family member, the termination of a relationship, the end of a friendship, or even a mourning for the nostalgia produced by the culmination of certain stages of life.
In all these cases, we are dealing with such intimate bonds of affection that ended abruptly for some reason. That is why I feel that the fact that such a relationship has ended needs a deep process of introspection in which the stages of grief are understood. Understanding all the feelings of anger, frustration and despair that can be experienced.
And once you are able to understand and reconcile with each of the negative feelings associated with grief, you should begin with a process of integration. The fact is that the bond that ended was so important in your life that the fact that it has ended upset you in a way that you never thought you could experience. That bond gave you so many good moments and made you grow so much that in the end it turned you into the person you are today. And in the face of all that, you should be thankful. Know that even though you can no longer count on a particular person, that person still lives on inside of you. It is still a place you can look to for support when you feel you need strength or a place to reminisce about the person you were and all that you have grown and all that has changed since then.
And so, being grateful with everything that happened, you can let go much more freely of your past and move on with your life, because you know that this past is already part of you and you cannot separate yourself from it. You can only accept it and go on your way.
We all deal with grief in different ways and I don't think there's a recipe for how to do it. This is why each of us has to find that way alone. Obviously help can be provided by professionals as they are trained t guide us, but still, it's the individual who has to do the heavy part.
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