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As people adapt to the “new normal,” they’re venturing out into the germ-ridden world with covered faces. Although practical in nature, masks have become the new fashion trend. And as with any form of self-expression, you can tell a lot about a person by what’s covering their face.
Here’s your quick-and-dirty guide to face masks. Choose yours wisely — you don’t want to give off the wrong vibes.

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Masks with Flower or Tie-Dye Prints

We’re glad you’re taking this pandemic seriously enough to choose this Lisa Frank of a mask design. It shows that you’re worried about getting the virus, but want to be sure to keep your natural-living vibes.
Just remember, when you’re shopping at Whole Foods, to keep your masks on. Then, take your kids to the doctor and get them freakin’ vaccinated.

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Masks with a Fake Smile or Teeth

Whether you’ve got a big ol’ cartoonish smile or some bared teeth printed on your mask, you’re letting everyone know that you’re dying inside.
On the plus side, they do make you look creepy enough that people will stay away from you.

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Masks with Animal Patterns

If your mask is adorned with cats, dogs, or pandas, you’ve got a cute personality and you’re not afraid to show it!
You’re grateful that lockdown gives you more time with your pets, and you’d never admit that you secretly hope that COVID-19 depletes the human population enough that wildlife can take back over.

Masks with Skulls and Crossbones

Your appreciation of death’s beauty is a somewhat ironic choice for a mask, but at least no one will mess with you.
This mask design also suggests that you’re a wannabe rocker/biker/badass but thankfully are responsible enough to know that real badasses cover their f — ing face.

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Bandanas

Either you’re too cheap to pay your crafty friend $5 for a real mask, or you’re envisioning your trip to Trader Joe’s as an epic adventure in the Wild West.
To be fair, that’s what most errands feel like these days, except with slightly fewer tumbleweeds and even more racism.

Medical Masks

These masks are the ones that actually prevent you from contracting COVID-19. Fabric masks keep you from spreading it. So when you’re wearing your N95 masks out in public, you’re clearly communicating one thing and one thing only:
Only you matter.
When you wear these, you’re loudly and proudly telling the world that you’ve obtained medical-grade masks on the black market and kept them out of healthcare workers’ hands. Who cares about PPE shortages in hospitals, anyway?
Also, be sure to leave your mask on the ground of the parking lot so that you can further spread the virus.

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Which mask pattern you choose, remember to pick a design that expresses your personality. After all, we still need to be able to judge people’s fashion choices during our rare excursions into the public. And remember, if we can see your face, we’re not going to worry about your personality anyway. We’re already going to know that you’re an asshole.

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WRITTEN BY

Rachel Wayne

Writer by day, circus artist by night. I write about art, media, culture, health, science, and where they all meet.
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