A few years ago, we decided that the adults for Christmas would do a secret Santa deal, instead of swapping a number of random gifts. So with a 50€ limit, each of us gets given a random name to buy for from the group. For the second time, I got my father in law. Easy - and boring.
Always books.
And the books he likes to read are some crime novel series, and some historical books, mostly about Finland. Oh, and nothing can be written by a woman, because he won't read it. While this sounds sexist, I think that men and women do tend to write in different styles, so if the style is generally not to his liking, fair enough. To his credit, he did try to read a book written by a female Finnish author, but he couldn't get through it.
Last time I got him was a couple years ago and while I chose the book myself, I showed it to my wife and she ended up being given the credit for it, because she was the one who talked to her dad about the gift, since I couldn't. This year, I told her I got her dad whilst we were wrapping the presents last night (not a very secret Santa in our household - though she didn't tell me who she has), and she wanted to know what books I got him. I showed her and they got her seal of approval, which is a bit pointless since there is little to be done at that stage anyway.
- Book 1 - A book on the German/Finnish relationship 1939-1945
- Book 2 - If Russia wins (a hypothetical book)
Not my cups of tea.
But I am not buying them for me.
After wrapping the present, I added his name on a torn piece of paper with bad handwriting and a couple letters written backward, like a kid. He will likely guess it is me from this, because that is probably how he assumes my educational background. The other giveaway if anyone pays attention, is that I make fantastic present bows.
Simple, functional, classy.
We found out today that the large Christmas group is going to be a little smaller, with three people unable to join due to elderly health problems in a mix of Alzheimer's, cancers and mobility issues. One of their son's (who lives near them) will stay there too. This makes things somewhat easier for the day, as we had changed the running order and timing to cater for them, but we don't need to do that now. Still, it would have been nice to have the last large group gathering together.
I am just glad Smallsteps' grandparents can come.
Having old parents means having old grandparents, and her experience with hers is quite different to that of the other grandkids. They are already nearing eighty and haven't been able to keep up with Smallsteps for the last few years already, so she only knows them as quite passive people, even though they have tried to be active with her. The experience is much more indoor than the other kids got, but it has still been a very good experience. Smallsteps loves them a lot and will spend hours talking to her grandma on the phone. Hopefully they will last a bit longer.
And this is what I mean about the Christmas spirit being about relationship building, because it is often one of the few times where all the family come together to interact in a space that is peaceful. Spending that time together, having a laugh while reminiscing and just seeing the smile on the similar faces across generations is what it is about. Layers of similarity each layer having faced very different conditions.
Without my own family here, no one knows me longer than my wife, which is only fifteen years. And I wasn't there for any of the stories they recall. At these events, I am an outsider that doesn't have a place in the collective memory of the group, so I just sit largely silent. But, I want Smallsteps to experience some connection with her family here and get that sense of belonging to a group that knows and cares for her. Because going into the future, the sense of family is likely going to continue weakening, as social conditions change and people keep drawing further away from each other into digital worlds.
Family is a gift, yet we generally don't understand the importance until it has faded and disappeared. We go out of our way to impress strangers we will never meet and do not care about us, but ignore the ones who know us, have our best interests at heart, and love us. And instead of building our close ties closer, we keep finding ways to break them apart.
If only relationships were as easy to tie together as a present ribbon.
Taraz
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I HATE ribboning presents. I tried it for a few years and then after that people were lucky if they got gifts wrapped in actual wrapping paper at all (if I had stashed gift bags it might be in at least somethinng).
I got reminded why when for reasons unknown to me I pulled out some ribbon after wrapping the usual Christmas present to my parents (I have given them a photobook every year for the last decade or so). I could have stopped at any stage but I am unreasonably stubborn. I'm probably going to very angrily put a ribbon on the photobook I wrap for the outlaws as well because I also like keeping things even (despite preferring odd numbers).
Same but thankfully not for health issues. As far as I can make out when middle and I asked J, mother in law doesn't want the house to be that full (the house in question is roughly in the middle of a family farm and the metro area which is why Christmas is there and not in the middle of majority of us who are now in metro). Middle and I are still miffed about not having the big family Christmas (we accidentally synced back up with sister in law's family as they were with the other side last year and we couldn't make it back to my family this year because too many big expenses coming up but apparently still won't get to have it) even if the reason is sound.
Health issues suck :<
If you're not somewhere in their collective memory after 15 years there is something wrong.
Do a lot of people incorrectly assume that they shouldn't need to put any effort into family relationships and they should just somehow magically exist because family? I know there's quite a few that just "don't get on" with their parents which is pretty alien to sibling dearest and I even several friends later.
I think we did a Secret Santa once or twice including a version where you can steal presents off other people and then after that we eventually evolved into our current setup of adults give each other lotto tickets and the kids get either cash or a present depending on how old they are and/or if we know there's something they want/need/have been saving up for.
I like to pretend I had something to do with that as I always gently pushed back on "something to open on the day" like if you're anything like my Mum and sister and actually enjoy hunting down presents for people then have fun but feeling like you "have" to buy presents to fulfil some imaginary obligation is stupid and sucks the fun out of everything so just don't but it would have been entirely the exponentially relentless rising costs of living
Hope the family gathering is amazing :)
Newspaper works!
I had to reread, because I read phonebook. "Yay - the latest yellow pages"
Yes there is.
I think a lot do. The blood thicker than water nonsense. Relationships are earned.
Has anyone won much?
I don't like the imaginary obligation either. I prefer presents at random times. Presents when people are thinking of someone, not for the day.
I've used butcher's paper that I got the kids to draw on when they were little to make our own wrapping paper when I belatedly realised that was one of the critical items I'd managed to forget XD
LoL! I remember using them as doorstops and for flattening/pressing things when they used to just appear on our doorstep back in the day.
Given how many ways this can be taken in the context I don't know whether to be concerned or not O_O
"Reinvestments" (using winnings to buy another scratchy/lotto ticket) to possibly minor windfalls, nothing "your life could change in an instant" level yet. Maybe one day. Oh apparently there's a sibling pair in one of the families where one of them always wins (just small amounts, $20-$50ish) and the other one never does and that's an annoyance/joking point for them and a minor sdource of guilt for the adults that give them the scratchies XD
I know what you mean about all the old stories that you just have to sit and listen to over and over because you weren't there back then. I hope your father in-law enjoys the books.
It is like being at a slide night, for someone else's holiday, where they take pictures of people you don't know.
:)
"Family is everything" I completely agree with this. There is noone like a famiky who always stand with us. Grandparents are the old treasure to have in life. They are true source love, knowledge, and cultural connections, which are essential to know the roots in life. Time spend with them always make some memorable moments for life, which a person may cherish for life long. You reminded me of mine...🥰 There relationship is often less authoritative and more relaxed than that of a parent, where children can talk openly and learn new things...I am sure smallest eosinophil going to enjoy quality time with them
It wasn't that long ago that grandparents had a lot of use in society, as they cared for kids. Nowadays, that has largely been removed in western society at least - which is a shame.
Not in here at least i can say that about rural part....we still see kids enjoying with their grandparent...it is lovely to see their bonding...❤️
"If only relationships were as easy to tie together as a present ribbon." I hope this would be possible. But in order for it to tie like a ribbon, the two must be willing to be wrapped, or held so to speak. Familial upbringing, difference in values, and trauma are few of the factors that affects the relationship within family or outside it. Some would be avoidant when they grow up and some intentionally choose not to build a deep relationship anymore for couple of reasons. And some people don't need to help for that. But I hope your last line would happen someday and people's wound can be held.
And about your gifting method, that's a good way of gifting so everyone can make sure the gift they wrapped is beneficial to the person. Here in the Philippines, a new trend is happening. We are not choosing names, instead, every person must prepare gifts for each and everyone but the gifts should be the same. And they would put it in the table, with all randomness and humour, some will be shocked when they see the gifts like "marinating oil" "an empty sack" "dried fish" or " a canned goods with prints removed in it". While it may cost more money, and some would complaint why they bought things like that, joy and positivity still override negative feelings. Because that is what Christmas for. To be happy and spread love and kindness.
I like this as a gift!
Kudos on the ribbon tying, @tarazkp Just one important thing to note, though...
Books. (as presents) Are. Not. Boring! (Lol)
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Annabelle 😊
Super boring in this case. I have no "choice" in what I buy, because that is all he ever wants and gets! :D
Merry Christmas to you both!
Thanks @tarazkp - hope you've had a good one :)
Secret Santa is not such a bad idea really and something I will suggest but I know my kids who are adults now will not be over the moon with this suggestion lol. They still get loads of gifts from us and has always been the case.
The grandkids do make you feel younger even if I do not classify myself as old yet and still in my fifties so we may be classified as fairly young and they do and we benefit from the activities we do together. I guess with you having a kid later in life means when smallsteps has kids you will be rather old. With so many couples not having kids these days Christmas will be very different in the years to come.
You have set the expectations too high :D
Yep. Ancient. Quite a different set of conditions. And yeah, future Christmases and celebrations will be weird for many people. They will want the feeling of what they had when they were young, but without kids, it will never be the same.
Yes the bar was set very high from a young age with Christmas stockings at the end of their beds followed by the main gifts. We are doing the same for the grand kids now as they don't normally get many things throughout the year.
My parents are not going to be here for Christmas, even though they live just an hour away... They are not accepting my wife, so I made my choice to live with their boycott of us as a family.
What! That is crazy. This is where family "tradition" gets in the way of good relationships.
It is true that at times we pay too much attention to what others think instead of taking care of the people who really care about us.
I think that is the default these days.
I'm sorry i still have to ask, have you ever asked why he doesnt like female authors, cos i know female authors that write crazy good mystery novels, more of murder mysteries though.
He has the styles he likes, and the authors he likes for the crime novels. Some of the authors are as old as him, and still writing.
I guess it is like taking an old man to a Taylor Swift concert. Wrong style.
Lol, i get it now.
If elderly parents or grandparents are present in any religious, family or social event, then the joy of that event increases, especially for the younger grandchildren. And in this, the elderly parents or grandparents are very happy and they also try to give of themselves. Best wishes to your parents and hope they live longer.
Perhaps grandparents are living too long now. Maybe they were treasured more when they would die younger.
I am 29 years old and ever so often I was on disagrement with my parents over insignificant things. Then, I look at them and think about all the things they have done on my benefit and I come to the conclusion that they have been very good parents and they do not deserve an iota of hate from me. In the future I want to be like my parents. I want My family to be a FAMILY, no matter what ( Even if someone got killed in the process 😂)
A lot of us don't appreciate our parents or family in general, until it is too late. Don't be like a lot of us.
I like how this shows both sides of family gatherings, the lovely feelings and the loneliness at the same time. Wanting your child to feel belonging, even when you don’t fully feel it yourself, is a powerful kind of love. Relationships take more effort than wrapping paper.
Yeah, it is a weird mix of feelings for me. Not a lot of connection to Christmas here :)
I wonder if he's ever read Agatha Christie. But of course, you should give something someone is willing to read.
I don't read detective stories, but I love history books, especially memoirs. I recently read a story about the first passenger plane in 1913, and it was a great pleasure.
Probably. He has read a lot. But at his age, he knows what he likes.
I am not a huge fan of collecting trivia that I can't use. I have enough of that in my head already. :)
The brain works well not because of the number of useful facts :)
This post feels honest in a way most Christmas stories are not. We put so much energy into strangers online and forget the people who actually know us. Family is imperfect, awkward, sometimes boring, but it’s real. And real connection is becoming rare. Thanks for putting that into words.
Secret santa is a great idea. We did it for years, otherwise you end up getting lots of small token gifts, and many you wont use.
These days we just buy for our God children and parents and our kids of course!
Those simple moments of connection are the real magic of the season🤗. Family really is the greatest gift. Merry Christmas to you all, may your home be filled with love, laughter, and many more tied with a bow memories🎄✨
Uh oh! I did not buy any holiday gifts this year. I hope nobody tries to give me any. Hopefully, I will be able to re-gift my way into breakeven.
I think about this point a lot though with regards to the future of my family gatherings. My mom was the only child of a single mom, so there isn't much family on her side. My dad is one of four brothers, and all 4 stayed local to the New York City area, so when my family would get together for the holidays, one of the four brothers would host the rest of the family.
Each brother hosted different events, so there was a bit of a tradition for who would host which events. There are a total of 9 cousins in the 2nd generation now that all the grandparents have passed, and the only three that have left the area are my three siblings. The other five cousins are around, but not necessarily as close as my dad's generation.
Will we even host family get togethers once my dad's generation dies off? Who knows. It doesn't seem especially important to the younger generation for sure. The youngest cousin is 25 and only one of the nine of us are currently married with kids (my sister in Israel with 3 kids). It will be telling to see how our family manages to stay together once our parents are no longer around. I'm not even sure how much of 3rd generation there will be for our family since four of us won't have kids and there's no guarantee that the other four will either. Signs of the times as birthrates continue to shrink, my family following the same tune.