On the other Side

It was my second session with the psychotherapist, and it was interesting. We spent time taking a bit about my childhood, which some people close to me know about, but not really with any kind of consistency. It has been mentioned more as slices, events that took place, but not the overall experience of it. I have reflected on it myself and how influential and impactful it has been on my life, but I had the feeling that she was trying to find some reason in there for me to blame, something that gives me the right to be a victim.

Much has happened.

I am not a victim.

As I spoke and she asked clarifying questions, she kept mentioning fairness and saying things like "That is unfair", and I felt like she expected me to say, Yes it was, as if it somehow mattered to me that it was unfair. And I did acknowledge that it was unfair, but I don't think that it matters.

Fairness is a human concept that individuals put a lot of stock in, but ultimately, the universe doesn't care if the life of an individual is fair or not, because the universe is always fair.

Energy always equals one, no matter how it shifts or is distributed.

The natural formulas that govern the universe can't be broken by human concepts. Yet, this doesn't stop us believing that somehow we deserve special treatment. Yes, while we all have our own issues we must face, some people have it easier or harder than others, and that seems unfair. The reasons why are many and varied, but when we compare ourselves to another, we can only consider a snapshot, and that shot is already a cherry-picked, biased view of the other person, the situation, and ourself. From that angle it might seem unfair, and maybe it actually is, but does that matter?

As said, I am kit a victim. None of us are really - Not from the universal sense at least. Nature has no victims, there is what happens, and that is it. There isn't even the what doesn't happen side, because if it didn't happen, it doesn't exist, and the rules don't apply. But in counterfactuals is where we as humans spend a lot of our time, because we are able to imagine other realities that don't exist. "If only my parents had..."

But they didn't.

We experienced what happened, we understood it at the time as we did, and we processed it over time in many ways, but we weren't victims, we were participants. We are impacted, but are we helpless?

It is enormously useful spend time reflecting and processing our experiences. But if we are only doing it to be able to label ourselves "victim" and have a scapegoat for why we are the way we are, I think it becomes harmful. The value of insight into a reason isn't in the ability to shift blame or for something to hide behind. It is the opportunity to acknowledge what has happened, the impact it has had, but most importantly, what needs to happen going forward.

Whether we think it fair or not.

I don't see fairness as a overly useful concept, unless we are going to consider other determining factors, like needs. However, we rarely do when we look into the past if our own lives, and we often leave out the positive effects an "unfair" experience brought alongside the negative. If we went back on time and made it fair, would we also be willing to knowingly give up our future strengths? Unlikely. We'd see it as a loss, and again, we would likely say, that is unfair.

We want to have our cake and eat it too.

But, I am limited. I only have so much of the universe's energy, and it can only be applied to a narrow band of life. I can't fix everything in the past, as even if it were possible, I don't have the bandwidth to do so. I am broken, imperfect, imbalanced, and struggling in multiple ways. Like everyone. But as far as the universe is concerned, it is just as it should be, with all rules being followed to the ethereal letter.

The other side of the fence is always greener, because we don't know the reality of it. We see ourselves as victims on this side, but even that view is incomplete and limited. Making the comparisons to others are useless, unless it is being used to be inspired and improve ourselves. But we have to know, even if others have done it, it doesn't mean we can too. It also doesn't mean we can't.

It is up to us to find out what we can do in the universe, with the energy we have available.

It is early days as I don't know of the therapy will help me in some profound way, but I hope it does help me, help myself. It is nice to talk with someone about all of it though, and it is I treating to get the feedback and prompting from a professional. And of course, it is great to have the space to think deeply, and find what has been forgotten, and discover what was poorly processed, or avoided completely.

Taraz
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