Obsessively Me

I can resist everything....

Except temptation.
_Oscar Wilde

I recently had the opportunity to talk to a twentysomething who opened up about their OCD. They have had it since they were a young child and likely developed during a tumultuous period of their life, where they tried to find an anchor and take control. However, it wasn't as obvious in childhood as it was contained in the thoughts, and only really manifested into an external issue once they were outside of the home, by themselves. Then, they were "free" to let their physical habits loose - and take control.

I feel for them.

I am no expert in this, however we openly discussed some of the ways it presents and what kinds of effects it has on them, which I appreciated immensely. A lot of what was said I could directly relate to myself, even though I never formed as strong attachments and am very far from being obsessive compulsive. Yet, I have done a fair amount of reflection on my own whys over the years and plenty of observation of people, and it made me curious as to how this related to one of the things that stood out to me in the book Atomic Habits, where "identity" was mentioned.

As I have mentioned earlier, I have had a chronic stomach disorder since I was in my mid-teens, and it still affects me thirty years later. However, when it was very bad and there was no relief possible, it also became "part of who I am", even though I didn't want to be ill. I started to identify as that person and as such, it made things worse. Every waking moment I was hyper-focused on the feelings in my body, which was generally pain, and even when I slept, my mind was aware.

It was obsessive thinking. Thoughts I couldn't let go of, and I just kept repeating them over and over, to the point that they were so familiar, I didn't know who I would be if I wasn't thinking about them. And, while I say I didn't have obsessive behaviours, I probably actually did, because my thoughts manifested my actions, and I would use illness as a crutch, an excuse, a place I was safe. I held myself back from both the things I wanted to do, and the things I didn't, and I always had a good reason to say no. But, maybe that wasn't what was stopping me.

Maybe it was a fear of failure. Or a fear of success.

Having am understandable excuse of "I would if I was able" is super convenient to avoid having to deal with the discomfort of failure. It means that I would have been able to say "this is what I want" without having to actually attempt to get it, and people would understand why I didn't attempt, because after all, I have a chronic illness.

I was thinking about this after I was discussing with the person with OCD, but I questioned them about their own "fears" and perhaps what they might be identifying with. And, I think that through this discussion, they came to a potential thread of realisation that they might start to pull at and perhaps unravel their condition, and disempower it. Looking at how we form habits, we will act in ways that support our identity, and the more we act in that way, the stronger the habit becomes. This is likely the same mechanism for OCD actions, just taken to an extreme. And, what this person might identify is fairness, but digging a bit deeper, it might be about not wanting to be blamed.

They identify as a perfectionist, but when we were talking through this, I asked if instead of perfection, it is them covering their bases. They don't want to make a mistake, not for themselves, but because what others will think of them. And, they don't want to put their name to something, that ends up being wrong, so triple, quadruple, and more checking upon checking, is an attempt to shore up their case, so they are not guilty of making an error. And, this is a losing game of course, because we all make mistakes, because nothing is perfect.

I used the example of a "clean home" as we were sitting in our recently vacuumed loungeroom, prepared for guests (by my wife), and how while it looks clean, it really is only about resolution. Looks around the room, it passes the eye test, but what happens if down on hands and knees pocking into the corners of the skirting boards? What if getting really serious and pulling out a microscope? Is it still clean?

Clean enough.

Good enough. It is an interesting concept for a perfectionist, because they will say that it isn't good enough. However, what does "perfect" mean when applied to activities that can never be perfect? Or, what does it mean when it applies to a solution to meet the needs of a certain set of conditions? If something is over-engineered past the levels of what is required, even if it is better than the inferior solution, it could be said that it is imperfect. Over-engineering could be considered a mistake, if looking at the needs, and resource efficiency. A perfection becomes a waster - which is far from perfect. A "true" perfectionist would build to good enough, and stop, because that would be the perfect solution for the occasion.

And this brings up another aspect of the identity of a perfectionist, because if they truly were, they would ceaselessly find ways to improve their actions to improve their results. But, this isn't the case, because they end up focusing on narrow aspects to be perfect in, because that is what they identify with. They don't want the perfect solution, they want to meet their own desires - or avoid their own fears.

I can resist everything, except temptation.
_Oscar Wilde

And this is why this quote came to mind regarding identity, because temptation is personal. What tempts you, doesn't necessarily tempt me, but temptation itself is born from the same parts of our brain. Depending on my experiences compared to yours, the way temptation manifests can be quite different. It is just our preferences, and while some obsessive compulsives might focus on cleanliness, and others the number of cracks on the pavement, are they fundamentally different? And, remember that this is a disorder, which means there is one of those pesky spectrums involved - so we are all on it. The strength of disorder can vary a lot.

And remember, that these are habits too, which means the more we repeat, the deeper the groove becomes, and the harder they are to shake. And, when we identify with our own behaviours that we have been religiously practicing, this means that changing our behaviours, even the unwanted ones, means we are going to lose who we think we are.

Who are we then?

It is a strange thing, that we the majority of us "fight" for who we are, even if we don't like what we do. We come up with excuses to explain our behaviour, and we don't like getting blamed for what we don't see as our fault. We are victims of ourselves. This doesn't mean that we are directly to blame either, but it does mean that if we want to have a different experience, we are going to have to be the ones who are willing to dive into who we are, why we do what we do, and whether we are willing to lose ourselves to become someone we want to be. This is likely to be an uncomfortable journey, but aren't we all on it?

Or are we avoiding being on it?

Anyway, it is not my area at all, but I really enjoyed the discussion and the openness of the person, and there is so much for me to reflect on, and hopefully for them too. I am guessing that the majority of people have mental health issues these days, but how they are affected can be quite different. I find a lot of people are conditioned into victimhood, to have it as an excuse to why they can't these days, to the point that they are looking for any diagnosis that tells them why they aren't getting what they want from life. I don't think this path is useful, even if it brings emotional relief - a reason why.

But it is a tempting solution.

And that makes it hard to resist.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]