Normally, you will hear me espousing the benefits of interacting and engaging together, as I believe that we are disconnecting from each other at scale, breaking not only the fabric of society, but putting the existence of humanity at threat. But here today, I am going to talk about the benefits of interacting less together - at least, removing myself from the conversation.
Which many might be quite happy about.
But I am not going dark on Hive.
Instead, this is about "forcing" my daughter to engage more, by taking myself out of the discussion equation with her uncle, @galenkp. Normally when we speak, we speak as a family and that means that we all have things to say, but much of it isn't interesting to Smallsteps, or she just doesn't know much about it. This isn't the biggest issue though. The biggest issue is that when I am there, she relies on me to drive the conversation and will ask for help when she doesn't know a word in English to explain. The environment gives her the option to give up too easily.
I am her Google.
But after Galen sent me a message to see if Smallsteps was available to talk, instead of using my phone to call, I had her use hers (which she barely uses as is) and I went downstairs so that they could talk together without the opportunity for Smallsteps to ask me anything. As a result, I believe (after asking Galen later) that Smallsteps was more engaged and able to concentrate, as well as more conversational and working to find words, because she had no choice.
Choice is a benefit and a bane.
Choice can be a good thing to have, but there is such a thing as "too much choice", which can not only freeze us, but also amplify the effects of buyer's remorse. But these days, a lot of children are growing up in households where they have a large increase in choice in what they do, what they eat, and what they don't do.
When I was a kid, the choice at dinner time was to eat, or not eat - no matter what was served. And "not eat" was not a viable option. Similarly, with a lot of activities, there was no choice not to do something just because I didn't want to do it and in many cases with the childhood I had, I had to do things I shouldn't have had to do, because they needed to be done, and no one else was going to do it for me.
I learned a lot from that - good and bad.
For Smallsteps, while her English is her mother tongue, her Finnish mother tongue is naturally stronger, due to the disproportionate usage it gets. Over 90% of her conversations have always been in Finnish, but that isn't to say that her English is only 10% as good. But her English is limited, because she pretty much only speaks it with me, which means there isn't the variety of vocabulary, accents and general richness of the language she would get if speaking to many different kinds of people. So talking with Galen is an opportunity for her to not only learn more, but get practice using what she has more effectively.
Often, good communication has little to do with what we know and a lot to do with how we use it. Being able to use alternative words or find alternative ways to explain is a skill that requires practice and when talking with me, Smallsteps knows that she can slip the odd Finnish word in when she doesn't know and I will understand - sometimes. This means she doesn't practice speaking around a topic, as she becomes reliant on the translation tool that I can be with her. This holds back her skill development.
Being "forced" and "having no choice" is a brilliant way to learn how to manage on our own, cope with difficulty and challenge, overcome fear and build resilience, and generally have more independent agency as an individual. Having no choice might not seem ideal, but there are a lot of benefits to learning how to deal with having to do something, because quite often the thing we should do is not the thing we want to do. Having some practice having to do what we don't want to do, helps us do more of what we should do, even though we don't want to.
Kids should have to do a lot of what they don't want to do.
They should have chores, eat their vegetables, and made to try new flavours. They should have to sit quietly sometimes, and speak with people they don't want to talk to. They should have to solve their own problems, even when they don't know what to do, and learn how to self-soothe. Discomfort in childhood is a growth opportunity, and children at times should be given no choice but to grow.
When it comes to Smallsteps' development, I as the parent am also a hinderance, because I don't want her to be uncomfortable, so sometimes, too often, I will step in and "save" her from a situation. That save now will be to her detriment later.
Smallsteps loves talking with Galen, but she also gets frustrated when she can't explain herself fully. She gets frustrated with me when I don't understand. But with Galen, she understands that he doesn't speak Finnish at all, so doesn't expect him to understand everything. Instead, it gives her a safe space to try and fail, without getting frustrated. It becomes a conscious learning experience for her, and one that helps them build a stronger relationship directly, without middleman support.
A parent's job is to make themselves unnecessary.
Taraz
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I once chose "not to eat" my brussels sprouts at dinner, I was about eight I guess. Anyway, long story short, an hour later I was still sitting at the table (alone) pushing cold brussels sprouts around the plate trying to devise a strategy to not eat them. In the end I ate them and then decided to exercise my choice next time to eat those evil fuckers when hot...not good cold. (One of my favourite restaurants makes some killer ones and so I'm glad I decided to like them as an adult.)
Anyway, she was good on the chat. Makes me laugh when she rolls her eyes at my attempt to speak Finnish...and also when I suggest she should eat some Vegemite; she looks at me like I'm bonkers.
I still don't eat brussels sprouts, and I did something similar. It was about 11 pm and I was still trying to force some cold crap down my throat.
She enjoyed the chat. I think it is good for you both not to have me there :)
When you're here next I'll take you to https://noivietnameseeatery.com.au/ and give you no choice but to eat their brussels sprouts...if you don't like them I'll pay for the entire meal. (And no pretending not to like them, that fuckassery is easy to spot.)
I look forward to chatting with her again, we enjoyed it and it's always good to see her.
I would definitely give them a go! But I might skill be sitting there at 11pm. This the place that does the corn ribs too?
Good to have further confirmation that you're both not a lawnmower and not one of those freaks who think that forcing a terrified crying child into something is somehow good for them :)
This was a constant struggle for us too. Probably just a constant struggle in general. Hell it's still a bit of a struggle now and two of mine are adults and one close enough XD You do have to swoop in sometimes (the safety net makes them feel more confident about trying again because failure is not actually catastrophic even if it sometimes feels like it is at the time), it's always just when and how much.
If it's any help all of my kids are polite and well adjusted and punctual and do all the asking questions and taking initiative nonsense they're supposed to do in a job "despite" being homeschooled and "mollycoddled" (which is to say I took my sweet time and let them be cripplingly shy when they needed to be which in my daughter's case was pretty much til she was 12 with microscopic improvements til 17 and now at 19 you wouldn't be able to tell that she was once so cripplingly shy she would barely talk to people that she knew never mind people that she didn't) all their lives :)
"Jump! JUMP!!!" :D
Shyness is an interesting one to handle, as it is easy to "under-do" it and have anxious adults, but also easy to over-do it and have anxious adults. It used to be less of an issue perhaps because kids interacted more with many different kinds of people, but now I think the group is more homogenous, as "random" social interaction has been reduced so much.
It sounds like Smallsteps is well into her language development and close to the "point of no return" if there is such a place. I mean when the brain is hardened and doesn't absorb language as a sponge anymore. I'm still not convinced this has to happen, but as kids get older I noticed language learning isn't as fun as it used to be.
In the case of my firstborn son, the outside was all "Korean" and inside the house was "English". At that time my wife spoke only English at home. As the second child was born my wife was too tired to speak English. From the baby's viewpoint it was not Korean but "mom's language" and not English but "Dad's language".
To this day my second son will blab to his mom in Korean and then turn to me and continue in English without thinking about it. His older brother though will choose one language and stick with it even if his mom or I don't know all the vocabulary. They are now working on other language skills like writing and rhetoric.
As a teacher of second languages I see students who are free like a child absorb the most and come out speaking fluently. That means they are in an environment without fear of making mistakes. I don't know how much Fins use English, but I do wish Smallsteps could use both languages fluently.
For what it is worth, "Many Blessings in the New Year" to you and your bro and family. I was good to open Hive in 2025 and read your ponderings and your brothers. There may yet be some hope for a society that honestly reflects.
She doesn't have fun with learning English, as it is just her mother tongue. She has started English classes at school, but it doesn't challenge her at all yet. She is also learning French and was doing German, but her new school doesn't offer German. She likes learning languages still, which is good - and she has a gift for it.
This is how we taught Smallsteps. There was "what daddy says and what mummy says" - her first translation was when she was about 1.5 years old and my wife said something to her, and Smallsteps turned to me and explained what mummy said :D
And this is what my daughter does. It doesn't matter too much for her, but her Finnish vocabulary is stronger.
A lot. This is why it isn't "too much" of an issue, but to be truly mother tongue, she has to keep using it and expanding it. Finns speak English well compared to most of Europe, and Scandinavia in general is very good.
Are you in Korea yourself?
Same to you mate. Hopefully 2026 is a better one overall for the world. I have my reservations though. :)
Its definitely not abandonment to let a child learn on their own as you step back and watch in the background strategically. My wife was a helicopter with my youngest and it showed for the longest time. He finally was able to get out of the house and spread his wings. It still shows that she hovered over him in his living style. Such as he is a slob and doesn't pick up after himself.
Send him to the army? ;)
I think a lot of younger people these days are pretty much the same - not enough responsibility as kids. Never vacuumed or cleaned a toilet. Never had to do the dishes. This is often doubly so for many men. As an adult, I always kept my house and apartments very neat - because who knows when I would bring someone home from a bar!
I would love for him to join the military! It would do him some good in so many ways. However he is on his own and lives in his own apartment these days. So he can be a slob in his own pig pen.
I noticed our daughter's Russian started to really go downhill once she started to go to school where everything is in English, before that her Russian was better than her English. Interacting in Russian only at home is not enough, I would guess same would be for Smallsteps and English... If all of her school subjects are in Finnish her English will get weaker every year...
It is a bit different here than for your kids though. Here, every kids' English gets better every year, as it is taught in schools and of course, the main second language of the world and internet. Even now, though she speaks Finnish with them, a couple of her friends are dual mother tongue English speakers too. But, if she doesn't get enough richness now with it, she will always be a bit behind as an adult.
It will be interesting to see what happens when she finally visits Australia and talks to locals! :D
Do your kids use Russian much now?
U reminded me of my Dad, he always used to put me to learn anything by my own. Be it cycling, swimming or other game...althoughbhe was there all the time to tackle any complex situation but the real time activity helps us to learn more...the presence of parent around is enough to give us boost to manage any unfamiliar situation, like the way little smallness managed with Galen. I alwsys say parenting is tough , you have to be in watchout mode while letting the kids to fly by herself..
Yep. Have to be present, without always being there holding them up so they don't fall. It is a hard balance some times.
I think removing yourself from the equation could encourage Smallsteps to push her boundaries and explore language more freely. Thus, Smallsteps will not only improve her English skills, but also gain confidence in expressing herself without relying on you ;)
And I am hoping that over time she will also build a different kind of relationship with my brother. It becomes more personal for them.
I totally agree. Sometimes I intentionally ignore their pleas for the TV or phone. I’ve noticed that when they're forced to unplug, they come up with the most imaginative games just using whatever is lying around 🙂🙃
In my house there are no please for TV or phone thankfully. My daughter only got a phone this year (she is 9 and was unfortunately necessary for travel), and she didn't watch any TV until she was older than 6. Even now, it is an occasional thing, not a daily thing. I know many, many parents who have a huge issue with these things though, where there kids throw tantrums, kicking and screaming.
That’s amazing. I wish I could say the same, but we’re dealing with those exact issues right now. We’re taking it day by day to try and get things back under control 💪🙂
I like the way you framed choice as both a benefit and a trap. When there’s always a shortcut, growth begins to slow down. Taking small steps like having to “find the words” instead of translating through you is exactly how real language mastery happens. Form me this goes beyond language itself, this shows how independence is built. You didn’t abandon her, you trusted her ability to adapt.
We are built to take perceived shortcuts, even though they are the long way around.
Sometimes love makes us too present. We step in quickly because we don’t want discomfort, forgetting that discomfort is often the real teacher.
Removing yourself wasn’t absence, it was intentional space. That kind of space forces growth and problem-solving. It reminds me that resilience isn’t taught with explanations, but with experiences.
Pain triggers the memory more than pleasure. Sad perhaps, but true. Loss weighs more than gain.
I get the post and the whole debate around "baby talk" – it's something parents argue about a lot. I think there's a solid middle ground here, and the science backs it up.
What people call "parentese" (often confused with true baby talk) is actually really helpful for little kids: higher pitch, exaggerated intonation, clear and full words, but spoken slower and with lots of enthusiasm. Studies (like from the University of Washington) show it helps babies pay better attention, pick out speech sounds, build vocabulary faster, and even start talking earlier. It's like a social signal that says, "Hey, this is for you!"
On the flip side, real baby talk with made-up words (like "baba" for bottle or "wuv" for love) can confuse them a bit, because kids learn from the accurate models we give them. But regular adult speech with full sentences is important too – especially for learning conversation structure, turn-taking, and richer vocabulary.
The best approach? Mix both: use parentese to grab their attention and build that emotional bond (babies absolutely love it!), but always with correct words and real sentences. That way, they develop language better and faster without picking up bad habits.
I am guessing this is AI. Or a human who doesn't understand the article.
You're raising your daughter right. Allowing her to engage in conversations with her uncle, with her not having to rely on you is one good way to build social capability in her. The way we treat our kids when they are young is what they grow to become.
If we teach them Independency at a young age they grow up to be adults who are self-sufficient. Or the other way round. And not giving her lots of choices is also the way to go,it teaches her responsibility and survival. I hope you folks have a happy new year.
Thanks