Each Thursday for the last three, I head into the city to see a psychotherapist. I have enjoyed this, not because it has helped, but it is nice to have someone to talk to, who is interested in some of the same things as myself, even if I disagree with her, or she with me.
Her disagreements today were focused on my opinion about depression and bullying at schools, as the first I think is over-prescribed, and the second is rarely a problem, and more likely, necessary for healthy development.
Depression these days in my opinion is largely used as a copout to just avoid things someone doesn't like. We aren't very good at being uncomfortable these days, which creates a lot of causes for discomfort, and there for, a general negative experience. It is akin to the overindulgence in unnatural sweeteners, that provide a level of sweet unavailable in nature, in everything. Compared to the sweetener, nature's sweetness like a strawberry, doesn't taste very sweet. If your skin is made from paper, it gets sliced easily.
Which segues into bullying, because we have created an environment that is so safe, people can't deal with not only bullies, but anything negative. A parent in their nineties dies, and there family think they were taken too soon. We used to live in a world (and some still do) with very high infant mortality and dangerous working environments, making death ever-present and not only for the elderly. Our "out of sight, out of mind" tendencies mean that when it does come knocking, it is a surprise.
Similarly, take bullying out if schools completely, and the skin doesn't thicken, the strategies to deal personally and interpersonally don't form, so when there is a asshole boss as an adult to handle, it comes as a shock and there are no tools and skills available. A situation develops with high discomfort, and high emotional valence.
Instead if normalizing the variability of the world and how our expectations are rarely going to be met, we have normalized a fantasy. A fantasy that says the world will provide safety and certainly, and we deserve to get what we want, and how we want it delivered. Everything is on-demand and we have become demanding.
Entitled
Many people seem to believe that their work should fulfill them emotionally, and that they should only have to do what they enjoy. They feel that security is a human right, even though they themselves will not be a barrier to protect others. They seem to think that happiness is a fundamental need, and without it, nothing can be done.
But since most are so unhappy because they have conditioned themselves to be sensitive to their emotional state and are always in discomfort, they have an excuse to be disappointed by everything.
And not do anything.
We are collectively in a state of denial. We want to believe that the world is getting better, even though society is falling apart. We can make claims to technological advancement that keeps us alive longer, but a longer life doesn't mean a better life. Without social wellbeing, we end up in a world of destruction.
We avoid all of this though, and rather focus our attention on the irrelevant nonsense like which politician is better or worse, or which toilet is suitable to use for a created identity. We have designed a world of trivial consumption and preoccupation, while the things that actually matter for our wellbeing, keep getting reduced and falling to the wayside.
The world is not a nicer place to live, and people are getting worse. There is so little compassion and grace in individuals, as they spend their energy maximising themselves at any cost, even if what they are getting in return for their effort, doesn't make them any better, and usually worse. The chase for likes and follows from strangers, while personal relationships fall apart is an epidemic. And the more isolated become, the less healthy in mind, body and spirit - our emotions.
No wonder people are feeling depressed.
But are they actually depressed, or is the symptom getting a false positive? I don't know if it matters at the end of the day, but I think it does. Maybe a lot of the people who are depressed are like all the kids with ADHD diagnoses, they don't have it. Sure, they are exhibiting some of the common traits, but maybe a lot of it are side-effects of the lifestyles they lead, the constant stare at screens, the disconnection from real-world relationships, the inability to commit, and a hypersensitivity, to how they feel.
Maybe we have calibrated our emotional senses too tightly, which is why we are being triggered by everything. Emotions are like a smoke detector, but if they are made to give the warning with too little input, frying an egg will set it off. Our emotions are on a hair-trigger, screaming at everything, even if no one is listening. And the more we scream, the less people listen.
Into the void.
Keep on talking.
We'll get there one day.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I think the bigger problem with bullying is the fact that people don't really understand what the definition of the word is. They think that kids being mean is bullying. That's not always the case. Sometimes kids are just mean. We actually got in trouble at one point because our reports of bullying were low. The person questioning it said there is no way it can be that low. We (not me) pointed out that we only had a handful of incidents in the year that actually meet the criteria of being bullying, so yes, our numbers are that low. People think they are experts on everything these days. Oh, in case you didn't know what the criteria are: The behavior must be unsolicited, repeated, and there must be an imbalance of power between the person and the aggressor. If it doesn't meet all three of those, it's just kids being dicks.
"Feels like bullying" is also an issue here, isn't it? I was reading an article the other day of a junior lawyer who was being bullied at work, because his supervisor told him he has to come to meetings on time....
Sounds a lot like most kids - and adults.
Separate note, but one I think is important these days. What is "imbalance of power" in the workplace with adults? Seems crazy that it just comes down to the organizational chart, or how much someone earns.
It's definitely funny how people throw the word around without really knowing the technicalities. Sadly, even if people were/are educated on it, they would still act the same because going on social media and saying your kid is being bullied gets more likes and sympathy. I think when they say imbalance of power they lean towards physical traits, but for sure organizational structure can play a part. I think in that case, that's where the other two criteria come into play.
Just imagine, if parents would spend more effort on building the skills necessary so that their children could deal with issues, rather than trying to get likes for them as victims.
That doesn't give them that warm fuzzy feeling inside though... :)
I wish I could be a fly on the wall for many of your conversations (I'm pretty sure I have told you this before) but none more than your conversations with a shrink! I hope you perplex her, challenge her, make her think.
Depression, anxiety, fear, loathing - all of these and more motivate me. I would not want to live without them.
I would invite you in to join! I am pretty open with people here - more open in real life :)
I feel she is a bit unsure what to make of it all at the moment. I hope it helps me though :D
I wonder if there was a meta analysis on what kinds of people make the most impact on the world (positive and negative), who would it be. The contented and happy, or the ones who have a lot of negative valence.
The ones who allow negative valence would be my guess. Who thrive on it, pull up their bootstraps and get busy embracing the disruption to turn it to gain.
I have worried about your disclosing your therapy here, worried that it would add a layer of obstructive stuff to your "progress." But you don't disclose what was actually discussed at your sessions. So no need to answer this next question of mine - what kind of help do you think you need? A friend of mine recently recommended EMDR for me. I have only a small understanding of what that is. All I'd really like to do is wipe certain memories from my regular thinking. She says it would reduce their power. Reminds me of a poem I wrote a while ago:
I wish I didn't
think of you everytime
I wash the dishes
Are you still working? Have you begun your job search? The situation you are in would be depressing to anyone!
While I mostly agree with what you wrote about bullying, I must say that sometimes bullying is a real thing. I never really had problem with bullying. When I was in school I didn't know what the concept of bullying was. But looking back I guess I met a classic bully. One of the first days in first grade a boy at least half a head taller than me started giving me a hard time, we fought exchanging punches and eventually wrestling on the ground. That is also how I met my best friend in school, he tried to help me in this fight.
I was always a natural fighter and I trained in judo, sambo and boxing as a kid. In addition to training in the boxing club I had a pull up bar on my door at home and I put one of those small punching bags and was practicing my punches every time I walked by the door. So while that bully boy and my friend were much taller and bigger than me the whole time in school I fought and actually broke two teeth on that bully boy later and I was always defending my best friend from him despite both boys being bigger than me. When we grew up I was still small at 185 cm or 6'1" compared to 198 cm or 6' 5" for the other two. So I would say I never had problem with bullying.
Fast forward about 30 years and our daughter had a real problem at school, she really was bullied, a black boy punched her in the stomach then kept kicking her on other occasions. First we tried to deal with it via official channels at school, but it wasn't helping. I tried teaching her self defense and it wasn't working either. Then we took her to tae-kwon-do and surprisingly her self confidence and kicking skills improved by leaps and bounds and one day boy kicked her again and they started an exchange of kicks to the lower body. Much bigger boy who was bullying many other kids at school stopped kicking, said that she kicks really hard and it was never a problem again.
So the martial art I thought was not a serious fighting discipline was actually more effective than all the super effective and often brutal things (like kicking between legs and scratching at eyes) I tried teaching her.
This is "classic" bullying and it is a good thing. At that age, even with half a head advantage, little damage can be done. It is like peewee football, the hits are relatively just as hard as in the seniors, but have very little force behind them that can do damage to kids. It is play. Not necessarily a nice experience, but a valuable one.
You have 20 cm on me! I was never bullied because of my size though and physically, I could hold my own.
Sorry to hear. This is quite different now, isn't it? As I said above "There is so little compassion and grace in individuals" - when I was a kid, there was no way a boy would hit a girl.
Hopefully, there are no issues in the future.
Though, your story reminds me of a funny incident at school with a boy named "Ben". We were maybe eight or nine and he had started karate and wanted to fight at the lunch break. I wasn't keen at all, but he kept on going and going and going. In the end, he took a fighter pose and said "go", and I immediately kicked him straight in the throat and collapsed his windpipe. He was gasping on the ground. Unfortunately, all the teacher on yard duty saw was me kicking this "poor boy" and I was punished.
The development of technology is one of the reasons that increases depression. We are gradually losing the habits of our hunter-gatherer ancestors. If we ask people with depression when was the last time they walked 10 thousand steps early in the morning, I think they will not respond positively.
Peer bullying is really one of the problems that needs to be paid attention to. My nephew suffers from this and does not want to go to school because of it.
I half agree, and half disagree. We aren't losing the habits of our ancestors, we are losing the targets of them. What I mean is, we are still hunting and gathering, it is just that what we do and collect is useless for our lives. I think this is a big part of the depression factor too - we are making ourselves obsolete.
This is interesting - and I think there is a strong correlation. Not sure if it is chicken or the egg, but exercise is something that makes pretty much every feel better, so why do so few of us do it consistently?
Bullying is different nowadays in some ways also, but it needn't be. When I was a kid, I had a chance to get away from the bullies, by going home. Now, a lot of it is done online. Kids shouldn't be online like they are.
You summarized the life of many, but what's wrong with wanting to work in what does not make us happy in what we like in what motivates us I understand that life is not a whim and we will not always get what we want or dream that can lead to frustration and depression, but it is also sad to work in something just for obligation and not love.
In pretty much all jobs, there is stuff that isn't great, or fun, but still needs to be done. To people expect that it should be others to do that work, so they don't have to do it themselves?
Here many people wish to die before being in need of someone else's take care, which is reasonable to me. Thus, a long life does not always provide a better life.
I don't want anyone to take care of me either.
Do you think that Trump's demand that Nato would spend 5 percent for defence is realistic?
No. But I have a lot of reservations of all spending on "defence". This is especially true when the countries are forced to spend, and buy from the US almost exclusively.
I went through something similar during my school years. It is a trauma that stays with you for a lifetime.
I did too - I am not traumatised by it.
Having seen how long some people have taken to recover from bullying in school I'm going to hard disagree with you on it being necessary for healthy development because in some of the cases I've seen it took literal decades to recover. Not everyone deals with things in the same way.
Having said that, sometimes I wonder when I'm listening to/reading other people especially in this age of microtraumas and microaggressions. Like for example I had a friend telling me a friend of theirs got reprimanded at work for "bullying" one of the younger workers; the younger worker had apparently been incessantly bleating and moaning about whatever it was they had to do instead of doing it, and the friend's friend apparently turned around and told them to "shut up and do your job" or something along those lines and the kid got upset and reported them.
That statement is false.
I do somewhat relate to what might have possibly brought it on; I've been on some aspect of social media since the late 90s, and I have seen a plethora of people crying "bully" because they were called out for bad behaviour and were trying to use "I can't help it I have ADHD/autism" as a get out of jail free card to do and say whatever they wanted with zero consequences, and one did have to wonder if this was an actual problem they were struggling with (and even so it's a reason, never, ever an excuse, you still have to do better) or if they just wanted special treatment or something equally dumb.
But, maybe this is the way it is meant to be. Perhaps we are meant to be tested in childhood. And I suspect a lot of the bullying you have seen is more of the "modern" kind. I think it is pretty terrible that there is no way for a kid these days to get away from it - 24/7 global access.
The way the sentence is phrased in the article is bad. How it should read is "many of the diagnoses are incorrect" meaning that there is a lot of false positives.
Nope... just a tosser. :D
I think that the problem with a lot of the mental disorders, is that a claim can be made without much evidence. It is different with something like cancer. Even with me, who has a verifiable through scans dead bit of brain, struggle to explain the impacts in a believable way, because people can't imagine having the issues at all.
Things like ADHD though, there are people who have issues, and people who have created similar issues that look like it. Is the treatment the same for both groups? I don't think so.
Ahh now that one I would have agreed with :)
LoL yep XD Apparently it is somehow astonishing to some that being part of some group somehow doesn't preclude one from being a dick.
my first second-hand encounter with this (didn't happen to me directly, I was shown transcripts) was someone sincerely, genuinely believing that they couldn't possibly be racist because they sincerely, genuinely believed that racism against white people somehow didn't count, and you couldn't tell them otherwise because they're 100% right because they just are, and you're racist for suggesting otherwise, brain still occasionally struggles to accept that that actually happened when I think about it
This is true. I remember having discussions with people about how it's "entertaining" explaining to people that our kids are autistic, sorry he doesn't mean to be an arsehole, he legit doesn't realise he's being rude, we're working on it. One of my friends made a similar but different comment but it was a wheelchair or a missing limb rather than cancer (can't remember specifics), that way people could see there was something "wrong" and would be more sympathetic but when it's mental and one is otherwise sound of body there's a lot less patience.
The treatment (where applicable/sought out) isn't even the same for the same groups x_x
Uhm, well, all I will say is that I'm glad to see that somehow you are growing up. Maturing, we could say. And now that you are no longer an employee working for others and making rich to others. You finally have been able to change those rose-colored glasses with which you used to see things through previously.
In my opinion, it's important to acknowledge mental health is complex. Not everyone experiences depression as a simple avoidance of discomfort. For some, it's a genuine chemical imbalance (I had a sister with mental health). And while building resilience is crucial, minimizing the impact of bullying can be dangerous.
Ultimately, the conversation around mental health needs nuance. We need to find a balance between encouraging self-reliance and acknowledging the very real struggles people face. Perhaps focusing on fostering genuine connection and meaningful experiences could help us navigate these challenges more effectively.
I think we have to be vigilant. Many friends have left of their own accord and it hurts a lot not to have been able to avoid it.
I also believe that there are thousands of false positives, because today more than ever there is a delicacy in the way people are treated that makes them more vulnerable.
But depression is real with strong and disabling symptoms.
Greetings! I liked your reflection, it is a very critical perspective, @tarazkp
Hmm I do in some sense love the way you approach this situation. But fo you think that humans in general could fare better off if they directed their attention to the right stuff or if they were made to do so by compulsion...