The spell is broken.

Where have you been today, one year ago?

From time to time, I like to go through the photos on my phone, pick the exact day one year ago just to see how far I have come since.

There are phases. Phases where there are mostly screenshots of ideas or sentences, concepts that resonated with me. Then there are passages of travel photos, in strange places, random food photos, my sunburned face in the middle of nowhere. And there are times where it’s full of project photography, flowers, fashion, self portraits.

At the moments it’s screenshots and one year ago it was cycling up and down, into the unknown. If it is learning now, it was experiencing then. And I am still processing everything that has happened since.

Every time I go through the process of remembering there is something new coming to the surface.

Seeing pictures of myself in the middle of France, cycling, not even knowing at that stage this would lead all the way to Istanbul, the first time I almost cried. “I want to go back there. Why is it gone?” A few moments later I notice: “It’s never gone, because that is me. I will carry these experiences forever, if I want to or not. These places exist with me and without, I can always go back there, they won’t disappear.”

Another time I got flooded with sadness. I had all this freedom before my wheels and yet I kept part of my mind in a self build cage. When I look at myself back then, tired and sunburned, I can’t help but see in the expression of my face, someone holding back a part of themselves. My sadness transforms into compassion and even appreciation. Appreciation, that I went through everything since to be here where I am now.

That whole journey got me to bring the freedom I felt on these Turkish mountains with me. I still feel it now, on the way to work or at 6 am jogging through empty streets.

Then I go through these photos and I see you. I believed, that if you can cycle all the way to Istanbul with someone, you can go through anything in life with that person. At first it made me so angry I couldn’t bare the sight nor thought until sadness took it’s place. And now, the spell is broken. Alone or in company, in the end everyone sits on their own bike. Maybe I had spend so much time and focus on you, that I forgot it is only myself I have to carry through this whole life. I cycled all the way to Istanbul and that made me realise that there is nothing in my life I couldn’t go through, not with you, with myself.

Now I look at these photos and I can see how far I have come in 365 days, I can see now that is has always been me carrying myself through all these days. And it will be only me setting the further direction for all the days to come.

It feels a bit overwhelming and very empowering. There is some sadness and a lot of compassion. The processing isn’t over and I don’t want it to be, nonetheless I start to hear a little voice in the back of my mind, wondering what adventure I will be in at the end of this year.

What do you feel when you look at your photos from the 20th of August 2023?

Thanks for stopping by, have a lovely Tuesday!

All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.