Last night I received a phone call from a friend asking that we catch up for coffee; I was happy to acquiesce to the request and asked when and my friend quickly responded with, "tonight." Ok, I hear you loud and clear; the person needed to talk, a friendly ear or shoulder to cry on or some such thing they felt I could assist with - I responded immediately and within an hour was sitting with my friend over coffee listening and chatting.
I've thought about the catch up and what it meant to my friend, (a great deal considering the topics of discussion), and how impactful sharing the emotional loads or burdens we carry can be on our feeling of wellbeing.
We live in a world in which people pour out their hearts and minds on social media for all sorts of reasons but I wonder if doing so has any real value in the grand scheme of things. People often respond, offer advice and opinions, thoughts and impressions but are they valid, based on a comprehensive understanding of the situation and opinions that could ever have a meaningful benefit? Maybe, but certainly not in some cases too.
I'm not one to share my personal matters online and while I'm happy to hear other people's opinion, those close to me, I make my own decisions, set my own goals and devise my own plans to reach them...it means I have myself to blame if they don't work out rather than others which aligns with my ownership ethos. Besides that, I definitely don't believe the random people found on the internet who will never fully understand all the elements of a problem are the best placed to assist. I guess this is why I take phone calls like my friend made (above) so seriously and always make myself available to those I value.
I was happy to help my friend, to be the ear they needed, a voice of reason to some degree, and someone they were comfortable bouncing their own ideas off prior to making decisions; it made me feel a close part of that person's life and helped the person in meaningful ways and made our friendship feel more meaningful as well. Have you ever felt this way or been in a position to assist a friend in need simply by listening and chatting? Feel free to tell me about it.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default; tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind - galenkp
[All original and proudly AI free.]
Any images in this post are my own.
I wish that I had've said yes to one of those friends but after so many years apart, growing so far apart and living in such different worlds, my own self-consciousness/ paranoia got in the way and now I have to live with the guilt as she's no longer here for me to say yes to, so it's not necessarily about giving advice, but being there to listen, to really listen and read between the lines and that is something that I try to do with a friend every day, so good on you for saying yes.
You now have nothing to regret but only hope to give and growth to nurture.
And as a person that is also not one to publish anything about my personal or emotional self online, your post just got more out of me than anyone has because I believe that anyone else reading this, may find a lesson for themselves in my regrets....
That's sad to hear and I hope you manage the guilt you feel and find some kindness for yourself from time to time.
Regret makes a terrible companion, I have them too, but I try to remember that I made decisions based on what I knew at the time and that looking back on them now means I see them differently and with fresh (more wise or knowledgeable) eyes and mind. Not a consolation comment for you, just an observation. But, be kind on yourself a little bit too...and (like I think you have) carry the lesson forward.
Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it. I wanted to share some of the situation here in this post but decided against it out if respect for my friend,but there's still a lesson in the post for those who choose to see it right?
Yes sad for me, but far FAR worse for my friend in the end...
And, you're right, no consolation but you're right, then and now...
I actually think that there are many lessons in your post- aswell as all of the comments too and even if people only take away one, that's better than none.
I understand and am sorry it ended that way.
Yeah me too. Me too..
For a while there I used to have a regular rotation of folks that would end up on my couch sharing their thoughts and troubles, mostly troubles. Was always slightly perplexed by it, had nothing to offer but my ear but I guess that was all they really needed anyways.
I don't share much with people but it seems many people want to and, as you say, an open ear is often all they need.
It always left me slightly baffled, always had the impression that people showed up at my place when they were out of other options. Lol, I have great respect for your adherence to opsec, aside from a photo of your nephew wearing an Australian trucking company t-shirt I don't think I've seen you post anything that shared more than exactly what you intended.
They turn up at your door because they know they'll get and that they'll find value in it.
And yep, one must be cautious. Of course, people here make up all sorts of things about others in their mind but the reality is they don't know until they know, you know? Lol.
Listening to others, especially to those in need, is the greatest gift and the greatest help that can be given, because no one knows what is best for another person, so listening attentively is the greatest help, the greatest companionship that can be given.
And yes, it has happened to me countless times, many times I receive messages from people I haven't seen for a long time or even just on the phone and they need to talk, without there being someone on the other side making a judgement about this or that situation.
After they tell me, they say thank you for listening, I needed someone to pay attention to me and not to judge... unburden me.
That's very gratifying. It just happened to me with a friend last Wednesday who broke up with his girl.
It seems you know what's up. ✅
That's right and I am happy to listen to others!
It's a tough line between just listening and trying to fix the problem. I don't tread that line very well. I'm a fixer by nature, my wife will testify to that, so just sitting and listening it hard for me. I think a lot of it too has to do with not knowing how to respond, so you automatically slip into that fix mode.
Most blokes are fixers, it's in our make-up, but holding that back a little can often be the better way to go. Saying that, I've tried to fix the shit out of things in the past and had it go ok and badly. I learned though and reaign in the fixer in me as much as possible, especially with women...they just want to be heard.
Absolutely true, especially your last sentence!
Been in this situation several times. Unfortunately, we're no longer just a phone call away from each other. We've all gone our separate ways and now live quite far apart, I'm in California, one friend is in Texas, and another is in Illinois and even a few other states. Although we mostly catch up over the phone for important matters, we also plan trips to visit each other when someone is going through a tough time.
It's good to have a few people to rely on and I enjoy being one of those my friends (and others) feel is dependable and the sort of person they feel comfortable coming to for a friendly, objective and honest ear to listen to them when they need. With technology one doesn't need to be in the same place either.
I enjoy being one of those friends too, and I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who are just as dependable. We can be friendly, objective, and honest with each other. Technology really helps when we’re not in the same place; it’s hard for me to imagine what my situation would be if this were 30 years ago when it wasn’t as easy to keep in touch with friends. I don’t have many friends where I currently live since I moved away from where I went high and college.
Having people we can rely on makes a massive difference to a person I think. I don't trust many people, they have to earn it, but those I do are dependable and I feel comfortable opening up just a little.
Hi Galen, This publication, before answering the question, brings me some reflections. One of them is that we are surrounded by messages about techniques, meditations, types of breathing, etc., when what is simple and effective in many cases is to turn to a friendly shoulder. The second question, as you point out in the publication, is the number of people giving advice on social networks to people they do not know.
On the question, whenever a friend has asked me for some time I have always given it, although I am not one of those who normally gives advice. And, conversely, the other way around, too. When I have needed a shoulder I have turned to a real friend and not a virtual one.
There's a few really great techniques to use in situations like this where one can avoid advice-giving but help guide the other person to their own outcomes. I assume you know some of those techniques and have used them, as have I.
As for the social media aspect...I'm not a fan of social media and don't have much at all of a positive nature to say about it...people would argue with me, the lemmings of the world, the sheep and that's ok, their opinions are theirs, right or wrong.
I do not despise the techniques, but my experience tells me that they work best if there is a good emotional bond with the one who teaches them.
On the point of who might be on the other side.... Yes, I think I once talked to a lemming, or so I think.....
A number of time's I've been put in sucha situation of an impromptu meeting to "catch up".
I find that at times offering advice is unnecessary abd the fact you showed up and listened is just helpful enough
I agree, it's sometimes more important to be there as a sounding board rather than an advice giver.
I frequently do this with a friend. When he had problems with his work, or some issues with an in law I was one of the persons he often talked to. I've learned to try and identify what the other person needs/want in a conversation. Sometimes they just want others to listen to them vent, and sometimes they want some inputs. I think I've helped him with both and we are closer because of it.
It's good to know what approach to take as the wrong one can go bay, or at least inhibit progress. Well done.
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Greetings heart, glad to read your content, I have your same concept, I do not understand why now became customary that people have to publish their lives on social networks. Not all are friends, some take advantage of your problems and if there are those who are there to help with that friendly shoulder. I include myself in that place. I like to help without expecting anything in return, I like to do it that makes me happy. Hugs and blessings 🙏
There's aspects of a person's life that should not be splashed all over social media but so many people do it anyway, I guess for the attention they feel it will earn them. Doesn't seem smart to me.
Sharing problems with one who can really be of help can be an immense relief. Who doesn't need a shoulder to cry on once every now and then? I have been a shoulder to many and very close friends have been there for me as well.
Thank you for being there for your friend, you have saved a 'soul'.
It is always good to have a good friend. A listener that can be there for us when needed. We can be on social media all the time sharing our thoughts and problems, yet a normal human interaction is much different than that. Sometimes we really need to see someone face expression as we tell our story and hear a genuine opinion and advice.
I agree with you completely.