Coffee shop reflections

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.

- Leonardo da Vinci -

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I love that quote. It reaches within me and gathers scattered parts, dusts them off and puts them into some semblance of order so that I can keep pushing forward.

I read a lot and run into phrases and quotes others write, or have said, and could never remember them all, hence my notebook. It's filled with quotes and my notes, thoughts and feelings, beside them with the date I wrote them - over twenty five years of thoughts and words that read like a diary of my life I suppose, a record of what I was thinking, why, how I felt and where I was in the moment. Once, a pristine notebook but now dog-eared, scarred, tattered and stained with use much like myself.

I leaf through the book a lot, revisit the quotes, thoughts and feelings in note-form, and remember back to when I wrote them.

I have a good memory, often too good, so recall things vividly, memories punctuated by the note and the quotes, and what's interesting is that despite the events being so diverse, the thoughts and feelings are generally similar. I also recognise change in myself throughout the twenty five years of writing in that book and I guess that's progression, learning from what happens in my life, adapting and developing and moving forward differently. It's very cool to see that change so plainly laid out in the notebook because when I look at the mirror I don't see it as clearly.

I wrote the quote you see above at a time in which I was under great duress and I was questioning a few things around me which I struggled to make sense of. It jumped off the page in the book I was reading, punched me in the face, and as I re-read it a few times its meaning (to me) began to sink in. I wrote it in my notebook a few days later, April 19th 1998, and added a few notes for perspective. In the days between reading the quote and writing it in my notebook much had happened and through it I realised the words had settled within me, taken hold, and helped me to find the courage and fortitude to do what was required in those days and the following months and years.

I look back now, years later, at that dog-eared, tattered, dirt-smeared page and smile...why? Because I became that quote, turned myself into the person who lived it, and it held me together when I needed that, and helped me surge forward.

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I'm sitting in a coffee shop writing this. It's comfortable, an open mood-fireplace burns away not too far from me, the smell of pastries and coffee fills the shop and rain falls in the street outside where the world passes me by. I'm comfortable in this moment, but I've not always been so; that's life isn't it? A series of moments all strung together.

I look back over my life from time to time, my quote notebook too, and I see myself clearly: Flawed, fallible, fragile and a little broken...but I see much more besides, other things that make me, me. Other people see them too, those close to me, and I love how some people take the time to see through me, past the outer-surfaces and deep into the man I am.

One day I'll be gone and someone may find my notebook - possibly even read it. I sometimes wonder what they'll make of me, who they'll think I was, and if they'll look at the words I wrote beside quotes from some of the world's greatest minds and find something that makes sense in those words as I did in the words of others.

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Feel free to share one of your favoured quotes in the comments below, quote the author and tell me what it means to you...but only if you want to, there's no pressure.