What Percentage of the Time Am I My Best Version?

Honest answer? Maybe 30%, and that is probably being a little generous.

Now before you go off thinking I am being a drama queen or fishing for some fucking pity (keep it), let me explain. This is not about self deprecation. This is about math and biology. It is the reality of living in a body that does not cooperate on a predictable schedule.

What "Best Version" Actually Looks Like
When I am firing on all cylinders, you will know it. I am sharp. My ideas spring up faster than I can write them down. I can break down complex enterprise IT governance frameworks into something small business can understand and follow. Ideas connect faster than I can write them down. When I encounter a problem, I display patience in handling it and don;t get frustrated. I can write paragraphs on end without staring at a blinking cursor for an hour. I can hold a conversation with someone without losing my train of thought mid-conversation.

Best version me is focused, productive, and engaged. I am not just going through the motions.

This version of me shows up almost exclusively in the morning. Somewhere between 4 AM and noon, I have a window. That is when the heavy lifting happens. Writing, studying, anything that requires real cognitive effort goes in that block of time or it does not happen most of the time.

Why I Am Not That Guy Most of the Time
Here is where it gets real.

I have health issues that do not care about my plans. Thes challenges do not care what my calendar or task list says that day. Some mornings I wake up and the window is already closed before I even got out of bed. Other days, I get my good hours but then hit a wall so hard by 12 PM that I am essentially useless for anything requiring thought.

This is not laziness. I have done the lazy thing. I know what that feels like. This is different. This is wanting to do the work, sitting down to do the work, and having to dig through mud to pull your ideas and words together into coherent thoughts and phrases.

It being unpredictable is the hardest part. If ofr isntance I knew that every Thhursday was going to be a shit day, I could plan around it. But it doesn;t work like that. So I have to take advantage of the opportunities when presented. When the good hours show up, I do not wasted them on unsocial media, email, or other nonsense. I protect those hours like the most valuable resource I;ve got, because they are.

The Other 70%
The rest of the time I am functioning. Just getting things done. Getting by I guess you could say. I am mostly on autopilot doing mundane tasks that do not required much brain power. I am responding to most messages, organizing my files, and maintenance and admin type activities.

And a good chunk of that 70% I am just resting because I have to, not because I want to.

What I Have Learned From This
You would think this situation would make me less productive, and in some ways I guess it has. But in other ways, it has forced me to discipline myself in ways I did not have to do before my challenges.

I cannot afford to waste a good morning on things that do not matter or that are of a lesser priority. I am now ruthless about priorities because I do not have the luxury of "I will just do it later tonight." Later tonight, I might be toast. So everything important happens early, or it waits until the next good window of time opens.

It is not the life I would have designed. But it is the one I am working with. And 30% of the time, I am excellent at what I do.

Now, if I can just figure out how to push that 30% to 35%. Not by trying to get more hours out of my body and mind though, I need to get smarter about using the hours I get each day. Maybe that will be a New Years goal I can add to the books.

P.S. This post was motivated by a writing prompt from the Weekend Expereinces post from galenkp. However, I already made a post for this weekend, so did not want to spam the tag. Felt it fit reflections better after it was finished anyway. Just wanted to give credit from where the prompt came.

Thanks for reading,
Joe

_{Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using MS Paint and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.}