Distrusting the Past

“I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”
-Ulysses S. Grant

Per my previous post, as I dig my way out of my isolation hole, I found and came up with several reasons why someone may lack trust in me and why I may lack trust in others. However, the most common that seemed to keep appearing most often were; past experiences, fear of vulnerability, cultural and social factors, personality traits, and lack of communication.

Now like I said, these five are not the end all be all, they are just five they seemed to keep popping up and stuck out most to me as I was reading about the subject of trust. You can read my introductory post on trust here at What's Trust Got To Do With It?.

Today I want to focus on past experiences and their impact on trust. Past experiences that can create a lack of trust in someone can vary but are typically rolled up into three groups of betrayal, abuse, and neglect.

Betrayal - the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery.

Betrayal makes it very difficult to trust others in the future, thus my past experiences play a very important role in determining how much I trust someone. Those past experiences can be romantic relationships, friendships, or my workplace experiences. The feelings experienced can range from hurt to anger to disappointment. I found that this hits at the very foundation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs by damaging my sense of safety and security in the relationships I have with others.

My past experiences do play an important role in how much I trust others since these experiences have shaped my expectations and beliefs about how other people behave. I’ve been betrayed before, and I am cautious when trusting others. I have a heighted sense of awareness for potential signs of betrayal. On the other hand, I can recall betraying others in my life, some recently, I am deeply sorrowful for it. I am working diligently to rebuild that trust.

On the other hand, I have more positive experiences with my relationships than negative, which means I have more trusting relationships. This means that when I have these same positive experiences with new connections, I am more likely to trust them.

Many believe that after being betrayed you can never rebuild a relationship. I am not one of those people. I truly believe it is possible to build anew with a trustworthy relationship with individuals who you may have experienced betrayal within the past. Although these types of relationships may require much more time and lots of extra effort to rebuild trust, it is possible. One just needs to have open, honest, and consistent communication.

Abuse - treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

When someone experiences physical, emotional, or God forbid, sexual abuse, they may find it difficult to trust me. This is especially true if the abuse is perpetrated by someone that they have trusted in the past. I can tell that this is particularly challenging as my trust is often built on Maslow’s foundational level of safety and security. Since my experiences of abuse can disrupt my sense of security and safety, it will surely impact theirs as well. I need to be cognizant of this.

I have witnessed those that have been abused have feelings of shame, guilt, and even exhibit self-blame. So, what does this mean to me? It means that it will complicate my ability to build trust with these people. Survivors of abuse require support and time to process their experiences. They need a sense of safety and security for trust to develop in their relationships. Thus, I need to be there to provide that support and give these people time and not expect nor demand their trust.

It is important for me to let abuse survivors know that their challenges with trust are not their fault. Providing some guidance for them to seek support from a counselor or a therapist will be helpful in dealing with the impacts of the abuse they have experienced. Seeking help will also go a long way in giving strategies for establishing healthy, trusting relationships. One thing I must remember though, and this is important, is to respect boundaries for those that need to have experienced abuse. They do require patience and support for their healing process.

Neglect - the state or fact of being uncared for.

When someone comes from a background of neglect, they are going to have a general lack of trust in me. Trust is often built around people being able to mutually support each other and their social connections and experiences. Neglect and societal distrust can disrupt this connectedness.

People who have experienced neglect suffer from low self-esteem. They also have difficulty forming healthy attachments to others and experience feelings of isolation. This means it is hard for them to build trusting relationships with others and for me to build relationships with them.

Hmmmm….this sounds and feels familiar…..but not sure I have ever been neglected though.

Anyway, what I have learned is that when coming across people who have experienced neglect, I need to ensure to reinforce that their difficulties with trust is not their fault and not blame them or hold it against them. Much like those who are victims of abuse, suggesting help from a counselor or therapist is good advice. This help can go a long way in helping them address the impacts of past neglect and building a healthy relationship. Patience, support, validation, and understanding are also important for me to provide as they navigate the healing process.

That’s it for this post on the impact of past experiences on trust, but I plan to reflect on the topic of trust even more in a couple of days. I hope you will be here for the ride with me as I discuss vulnerability and trust next time.

Thanks,
Joe

I would be happy to hear what you have to say and share with me. I need it to help me grow, to get out of this shell, dig out of my hole. To become a better person

Note: Image source Canva.com