Three Years of Struggle: Pushing Through the Darkness - caelum1infernum

I feel down today. My mind is full of negative memories and emotions bombarding me non-stop. I guess I’m just sick. It feels like nothing is moving in my life, everything is going so slow. It's been three years of focusing on work, creating digital content, writing on Hive, learning new things daily, and pushing myself to the limit. Yet, nothing is moving, and it’s frustrating. Every person I helped turned out useless, and everyone who said they wanted to do business with me either lied or was lazy. No wonder the rich don’t want to mix with people like us, no one wants to do the hard work; all talk, no action.

I try to remember the time my brother passed away during COVID. That was the moment I snapped out of my depression and started focusing on myself, forcing myself to grow and mature. When the government finally loosened the restrictions, I worked part-time. At first, I laughed at myself. People were sad looking at me, a respected manager before now just a part-time waiter. But I didn’t care, I just pushed through. Then I realized I couldn’t grow there, so I left and went to Kuala Lumpur.

When I got a job at a factory, they sent me to a staff hostel. Oh wow, the place was absolutely filthy, with dust everywhere. We slept on the floor on the thinnest mattress you can imagine, with one small pillow. But I didn’t mind. My brother texted me to send a picture of the place, and when I did, he told me to come stay with him. I didn’t know he cared about me, it felt strange. The old him would’ve said, "Life is hard, right?" But this time, he actually wanted to help. I guess age softened him, in a good way. Still, I told him no, that I’d survive.

A few days later, I found out I didn’t get the job, backstabbed by my own friend. Perfect, just amazing. So, I decided to lean into my restaurant management experience and see where that would take me. I went to three interviews, and they all offered me jobs with pitiful salaries. Then I got another call, offering me a barista job. I figured, what the hell, at least I’ll have a way to feed myself. I had already sold everything I owned to make the move and needed a place to start. That place was even worse. Only a few of the people were good, the rest, my lord were selfish and disgusting.

A few months later, I did something crazy. I decided to get the hell out of my own country. I had plans to go to the UK or Australia, but I didn’t have the money, so I ended up in the UAE instead. That first month, I went out daily, handing out resumes in the blazing heat. Good lord, the heat was insane. I’d be drenched by the time I reached any building. I was never presentable, sweat covered my face, shirt, and pants.

Then I finally got a job because someone helped me.

I remind myself of this because it’s only been three years since I turned my life around. I’ve accomplished more in these past three years than I ever did in my entire life. I matured really late, and I can feel my body isn’t as strong as it used to be, my spirit not as vibrant. Sometimes, I feel like an empty shell. To be honest, I don’t even know what I’m doing, I’m just going through life, learning whatever I can as I go. Not much has borne fruit. Work is the only place I’ve gained anything. Money is okay, and I’m stable, but I don’t consider myself truly stable. The moment I lose my job, I’m back to zero. For me, financial stability means being able to live for 10 years without working, but right now, I couldn’t survive even 3 months without a salary.

Business isn’t moving much either. Sure, I’ve made a few resumes for people, but I charge very low because I know people won’t pay a lot when they see I don’t have a big name or a huge following. Life can be really disappointing. But in the end, complaining won’t fix anything, so I just need to keep pushing through and see what happens at the end of this dark tunnel we call life.

Thank you for reading.

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