As a parent or aspiring parent, there is one question that drives every child's behavior.
How far it too far?
This one question influences why they do the things they do, why they throw tantrums, act out, or behave in seemingly strange ways...
I know this because I have been there.
I was a child growing up in Nigeria as the eldest of five children...
I not only experienced childhood but also played a huge role in raising my younger siblings.
You have probably heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child". Well, that village often includes the older siblings...
Having worked with children in various capacities and observed them from different families, I have come to a firm conclusion: childhood behaviour is driven by a struggle to find the answer to one question...
The Bag
Let me illustrate with a personal story...
I recall one afternoon when I came home from school as a kid, eager to watch the popular Tom and Jerry cartoon series...
it usually came on at about 3pm back then and it lasted for about one hour...
But there was a problem...
School also ended at 3pm, so I would have to rush home to catch as much of it as possible...
For the entire duration of the cartoon, nothing else existed...
I wouldnt even take off my school uniform.
I would simply drop my school back wherever I could... most times at the entrance to the living room...
Then I would get myself glued to the TV
My mom constantly reminded me to take my bag to my room because someone could easily trip over it... It was a hazard to leave the bag at the door or the entrance...
But I would not listen...
She warned me, spoke to me calmly, begged and did everything short of beating me to stop me from leaving my bag there...
For a day or two, I would make the effort to comply, but before long, I was back to my old ways...
Then one day, my mom decided that she had had enough...
I came back and as usual, I left my bag at the entrance and was glued to the TV.
She did not say a word to me, she even let me finish my cartoon.
That evening, I regreted my actions, permanently...
Let's just say that she made her displeasure with me very clear in a physical and unforgettable manner.
That was the last day I left my bag at the door.
Consequences
Reflecting on the experience and on some similar experiences, I have realised something...
Every child that is branded as stubborn or rebellious could simply be asking the same question that I was asking then, though subconsciously.
I wasnt trying to defy my mom deliberately and I wasnt trying to a bad boy... In fact, it was the opposite.
But there was a question in my mind that needed an answer... one that words alone could not answer...
I needed to know...
How far is too far?
Of course, children dont articulate it this way, but the idea is the same.
Every child seeks to understand where the boundaries lie...
And for many parents, defining those boundaries can be a challenge...
Not only is defining those boundaries challenging for most parents, but providing reasonable basis for those boundaries can also be an uphill task...
I once listened to a psychologist explain boundaries in this way...
A boundary is the consequence you impose when a specific instruction is breached/ignored.
For example...
If you tell your child,
"do not climb the dining table"...
what do you do if they do it anyway?
Do you warn them repeatedly, or do you follow through with a consequence?...
Yes... explaining to the child why he/she should not be climbing the dining table is important...
but what do you do if they ignore you?
A boundary is not just saying "dont do this"...
It is about attaching a clear consequence to a behavior...
If you climb the table again, I will take away your faavorite toy
If you do not stop watching TV, I will come and turn the TV off and ban TV time for a week.
Sometimes, physical discipline or spanking is used as a form of boundary- setting...
While it is not a method I personally recommend, It can be effective in some cases....
The principle remains the same, without boundaries, it is difficult for children to understand the limits of acceptable behavior.
Without answering the question:
how far is too far?
... children will continue to test the limits.
It is important for parents to recognize that children crave boundaries as much as they crave freedom...
they want to know where the fence is and what would happen if they should scale it...
Children need clear communication to understand when they have crossed the fence...
Words sometimes may be enough, but at other times, action is needed to communicate the thought...
If a child pinches you, they might not stop just because you tell them to...
But that same child would learn if you calmly and firmly establish a consequence for their action.
In summary
Every parent should seek to understand their kid and most importantly realize that shildren are constantly exploring and seeking boundaries...
They are asking:
How far is too far?
Not because they want to defy your authority, but because they need guidance...
The answer to the question may not just be in what you say...
It would lie mostly in what it is that you do...
You must ensure that your actions communicate clearly when they have goe too far and ake it difficult for them to repeat those behaviors.
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I would not recommend harsh physical punishment. I believe it to be wrong and that it can lead to bad feelings for the parent which can last a lifetime.
I agree with you.
However, there are people will differ strongly with you on this matter.