The Ladies of Hive have a question of the week each week for the last 173 weeks. That sentence is mind-boggling; they should be given a prize just for that!
Each week, I read the question, and most weeks, the questions are too personal for me to want to write about or a question I do not find myself with enough to write about on the subject. I still want to see what the questions are each week, though. You never know when you will find the perfect question to spark your fingers into typing for 4 hours.
Two days ago, I read the two questions for this week. The first question, while significant, didn't spark enough in me to write about. The second question did, but the timing in my life this week had my brain telling me I didn't have time to write anything. Which is very accurate. My Mothers's surgery is on Tuesday, and this whole week will be filled with taking care of her.
Yet I found myself going back to The Ladies of Hives post and rereading the second question more than once. It is 1:00 am. Let's see where my fingers take me.
The first part of the question is a statement:
"Nowadays, premarital sex is rampant among young people."
I read this and felt old, and then I started laughing. I then started listing in my head why this statement was so wrong. No disrespect intended. It is just that the person writing this is very young or needs to talk to more women.
In the early 1890s, the Sisters of Saint Vincent started opening homes for unwed mothers to stay and get care until they had their children. There is a great post that goes very in-depth about the history of these homes found here: Homes for Unwed and Troubled Women 1869 – 1950.
On a more personal note, my brother, who is three years older than me, and I were both adopted. My brother's biological Mother could not care for him and gave him up for adoption. In 1961, it is safe to assume he was put up for adoption because his biological Mother wasn't married. In the 1960s, women did not have a way to earn a living while caring for a baby. I'm not saying women didn't try and succeed, but unless you came from a lot of money and your family would help out, your chances of survival were slim.
When I was about fifteen and a Freshman in high school, one of my best friends became pregnant from the school janitor. She dropped out of school and married a man twenty years older than her. She has led an interesting life after that.
When I was seventeen, another good friend of mine got pregnant. Neither her family nor the baby's father was willing to help her. I drove her to the hospital when the time came to deliver her firstborn. He was a handsome boy. She had to give him up for adoption. She had no way to support her firstborn. At seventeen, she made the best decision she could live with.
Premarital sex is nothing new. Women who found themselves pregnant and alone were just not talked about by society or the mothers who had to give up their children for adoption.
I do not think young women know how good they have it nowadays. They can openly talk about being pregnant or have the means to get a job and raise a baby on their own if they have to.
The second part of the question:
"What if you got pregnant and encountered rude in-laws with a partner who is incapable of standing by himself or standing up for you?"
In theory, this question is sound. I find a few things troubling for the women in question. I'm old-ish, so to me, the use of the term partner means the pregnant woman is not married. With that in mind, her partner's parents are not her in-laws. They are your child's Grandparents. Until you have a piece of paper telling God and Country that you are married to your partner, your child's Grandparents have no reason to be nice to you.
Your child's Grandparents see their son, depending on everyone's age, messing up his life.
In my case, when I became pregnant and didn't want to marry the father of my child, the Grandparents saw me as being irresponsible. To them, even if I did not love their son enough to marry him and make everyone's life miserable forever, they were raised that if women got pregnant, they should marry for the good of their grandchild. They believed every child deserved a mother and father who lived in the same house.
My son's Grandmother had every right to feel that way. I didn't blame her. I didn't blame her for never coming to my baby shower. I never blamed her for never talking about me being pregnant after she realized I wasn't going to marry her son.
That did not stop me from reassuring her that I would take good care of her grandbaby when they were born.
While alive, she was the best Grandma anyone could want. She spoilt my son so rotten it made you cry. The love she had for him showed in her eyes from miles away. She was also the best babysitter my son ever had!! She would leave me a note with everything, and I mean everything that happened while I was gone. I miss her to this day, but I am so thankful my son got to know her as long as he did.
But she had every right to her opinion of me while I carried her grandchild and proved to her I was a good mother and would make sure her grandchild had the best childhood anyone could ask for.
The last part of the question:
"Would you rather endure their maltreatment, or walk out on your relationship and raise your child alone? Why?"
maltreatment
mal·treat·ment
/malˈtrētmənt/
noun
cruel or violent treatment of a person or animal; mistreatment.
Being rude is not maltreatment.
If you can 'walk out' of a relationship and raise your child alone that easily, then you were never committed to begin with.
You had an Oopsie.
Your Oopsie will cause you to grow up really fast. You will no longer be the child but the Mother to a child. A child that did not ask to be born. A child that you will love like nothing else you will ever know. A child that will make you a walking Zombie for the next two years or more. A child that will brighten your day just by blowing bubbles in its mouth. A child you will know better than any one person in this world. One that you will find yourself watching sleep because they are an angel when they are not crying. A child that will cry, and you will have no freaking idea why.
Whether you stay with your partner or not, you are that child's Mother.
You do not get to walk away. Everyone else can. You can not. It will be the most challenging job you ever have, and it will be the most rewarding job you ever have. You will never retire from being a mom. You will spend the rest of your life loving and worrying over your child.
The best part is that you will never regret one day of being a mom, no matter how hard or easy it is.
All that matters now is to be the best mom you can be to your child.
Help someone smile today. It can not hurt you.
Snook
All photos are mine unless otherwise stated.
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I appreciate your candid reflections on premarital sex and the complexities surrounding unplanned pregnancies. Your personal anecdotes shed light on the realities faced by many women and highlight the importance of resilience and maternal love.
Thank you for sharing such heartfelt insights. Wishing your mother a successful surgery and sending positive vibes your way during this challenging time. 🌺
Thank You!!!
It's not easy being a single Mom, but I am proof it can be done and still maintain a relationship with both sides of your child's family. It's not easy but it can be done.
There are times when I get very angry about people acting surprised that some particular set of people are having pre marital sex
It is nothing new at all but it hurts a lot
It even hurts more when the person who impregnated you leave you alone to go through the stress all by yourself
First, HUGE HUGS to YOU!!!!
The part that women need to stress to their girl friends, sisters and the random women they meet on the street is the fact that no matter what you are promised or how you feel, you, as the mother, will be the only one left picking up the pieces.
I was lucky and old enough I had a great job and knew I could take care of the baby growing inside of me. I was lucky enough to still be young enough to have the energy to do it on my own too. but you are correct it is never easy.
You grow up REAL fast. Too fast really.
Hello my dear lady, I loved everything you wrote, this part is so true,
being a mother is one of the strongest challenges we have as women, and also the most beautiful thing that could happen to us, impossible to regret.
Hugs, I wish and pray to God that your mother comes out well after her surgery. Thank you for such a great participation.
I always think that if it was known how hard of a job it is being a mom there would be no more children. LOLL
I also think God was giggling when he made it so we forget the pain of childbirth. Some lucky women faster than others.
and Thank You!! Mom and I will take all the prayer we can get!
Hello lovely lady! 😊
Oh, my, well said sister. Motherhood is a 24/7/365 job and doesn't end after your children grow up and move out to start a new family or life of their own. Our children are both almost 30 and I still worry about them and pray for them daily. 😊
Saying a prayer for a complication free procedure for your mom and a quick recovery. Sending you all the HUUUUUUUGGGGGSSSSSSSSSS you can stand! 😊
God bless you and your wonderful family. Have an awesome day my fabulous friend! 😊
THANK YOU!!
I can stand a LOT of hugs! LOLL
and Yes!! we will always worry about our babies! because in our hearts they will always be 2. Poor kids :D
Huge HUGS back at you!
You're most welcome. My pleasure. 😊
That is so true. I can still see them as babies and then toddlers and teens...it's hard to believe they're adults living their own lives. I've really got to stop blinking, years fly by every time I do it. LOL! 😊
More HHHHHUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSS to you! 😊
Very insightful and educated post.
I too felt off the phrasing of it. Starting with the 'judgy' tone on the part about premarital sex..kinda made me remind how my grandmother would preach about the terrible dangers of sex.
I too decided not to marry and it was the best decision ever.
Thank You!
I think everyone has their own journey when finding themselves with child. It is up to each of us to dig deep and figure out they have the strength they never knew they did.
But I REALLY wish more women knew earlier that once with child it is ALL on you to take care of your child and that it will never be easy.
HUGE HUGS!
It is hard work but very rewarding. It's worth every second. 🫂
Well dang, ya set the page on fire 😎💥
That photo of Alex is just too freaking cute!! It's those little moments when your kids have a face full of joy that fuel the willpower to do all the rest. I couldn't say all the things you expressed here any better.
Thinking of you and your Mom, I hope all goes well with her surgery tomorrow. The biggest of hugs your way 🤗💕
YES!!!! and then they start crying and you want to pull your hair out! LOLL
Thank YOU!!
Okay, now I need to start my week. Love you!!!
HUGE HUGE HUGS!
That is a very beautiful insight from you who experience it firsthand.
But in my culture, premarital sex is common, while it is frowned upon the religion and also the custom but it is still done by the youth, even I was one of them when I was still young. It is very complicated for a girl to give birth to a child without a father/husband, which sometimes could drag both parties into unpleasant conditions.
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Thank You!!
I live in the USA and unless you are older and have a great job it is tough to be a single parent. Most times the women do not have a choice in the matter and just find themselves alone and trying to deal with it all.
But not all men don't help. I know many that stay and help even if the couple is not married.
The biggest takeaway is each family has to look at all sides and communicate with each other. THAT is not easy but if you do it will make your life better for all in the end.
Thank you for your wonderful comment!!
You are right, I take a ton of sacrifices and hard work to do it.
Have a great day my friend, sending some !LUV to you and a !PIMP : )
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I don't always encourage premarital sex because it always have a way of affecting the child in the future if not carefully worked upon
I do not think anyone should have premarital sex.
Marriage is hard enough without a newborn child right there from day one.
What is not taught is how marriage and having children WILL change your life. How it will make your life more challenging in every way. How it is not all Instagram posts and stuffed animals.
Teaching people what will REALLY happen after you have a child will make someone say "NO!" when things get hot and heavy.
But no one does that. They just tell you, as women, you will be called names. How it is immoral. How it is okay for men to 'sow their oats' because they are men, but women should sit home and wash their hair, waiting for the right man to pick her out of a crowd.
I think more men should be taught to keep it in their pants. They should be taught to respect women.
Saying that, men and women have free will. And in the moment, it is hard to realize the act you are doing WILL change your whole life in an instant. That the minute a woman becomes pregnant, your whole life will change forever. But no one teaches WHY it will change forever. They are just taught not to do the act.
I have seen many posts from women talking about how hard it is to raise a child.
I do not think I have ever seen a post from a man talking about how hard it is NOT to have premarital sex. If this changed, I think it might make it easier for future generations.
But that was not what the question I was answering was about.
Thank You for your great comment!!
Hear, hear! Though I would say ALL men should be taught these things. :) There's actually a great book about it called Ejaculate Responsibly. If only both boys AND girls were handed a copy upon attaining an age where they can procreate...but I digress. I'm not anti-sex or anti-kid, but I'm 100% against anyone making an uninformed decision about something as potentially life-changing as sex. And given how shitty the climate STILL is around sex ed, that's exactly what young'uns are doing.
I can't imagine being in your situation, though, having to raise a kid against the headwinds of grandparents who think you're an awful person for getting pregnant by their son. WTF? Were they really so stupid that they didn't realize he had to be a participant as well? I'm glad grandma finally came around, but that's just...the most illogical approach possible to the situation.
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It is always a proud thing to be a mother and to play the role of motherhood and I am strongly looking forward to that day someday
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Two minds on to comment or not.
More youth having premarital sex is ...
Decided to visit original post and not start a war in your post lol.