Why Women Undermine Other Women | The Case of Working Mothers vs. Stay-at-Home Mothers

The dynamics between women have always been complex, influenced by cultural constraints and internalized expectations. The comparison between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers typically manifests this conflict. Judgment and envy on both sides create a needless division. While this rivalry may appear petty, it highlights a larger issue: women's tendency to undermine one another, which benefits no one.

Several years ago, I got into an online argument with a stay-at-home mother who accused working women of having an "easier" life. She contended that remaining home to care for children was the more difficult, self-sacrificing option, whereas working moms "escaped" their duties. Her words were filled with resentment, as if her decision made her a better mother.

I answered by highlighting the bias and unfairness of her assumptions. The decision to work or stay at home is extremely personal, often driven by financial needs and individual values. Each path presents unique obstacles, sacrifices, and benefits. To think one is easier or more noble than the other divides women. If staying at home with her children felt like a burden, I suggested she look into alternatives such as putting her kids in daycare and returning to work. Nobody was forcing her to stay at home. Her decision, while valid, did not grant her the right to speak negatively about others.

Why Women Compare and Criticize?

This argument is a reflection of a broader issue: women's tendency to excessively compare themselves to one another. In a culture that frequently puts us against one another, women have internalized the idea that their worth is determined by someone else's decisions or circumstances. This applies to situations such as work versus family or appearance versus personality. This constant comparison results in an environment prone to judgment and resentment.

The comparison between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers is particularly contentious because it draws on deeply held societal expectations about parenting. Historically, society has taught women that nurturing is their primary responsibility. At the same time, modern feminism promotes career ambitions. Navigating these competing messages often results in mothers feeling inadequate, regardless of their choice. Working mothers may feel guilty about not being as present as they would like, and stay-at-home mothers may feel unappreciated or trapped. The tendency to criticize others stems from internal struggles with shame and insecurity.

The Cost of Division

When women undermine one another, the consequences are greater than just hurt feelings. It keeps up the oppressive systems that have kept us from gaining equality in the past. By tearing each other down, we propagate the myth that women cannot collaborate, that we are too petty to lead, and that our voices are less credible. Without realizing it, we are supporting existing standards rather than opposing them.

In the context of parenthood, this divide might deprive women of the help and understanding they require. Parenting is difficult, regardless of the circumstances. Instead of finding solidarity in shared problems, women frequently find themselves alone, defending their decisions rather than embracing shared humanity.

How Women Can Support Each Other

If women want to overcome these obstacles, we must choose collaboration over competition. Here are a few ideas to lift one another up:

• Demonstrate empathy and strive to understand others' views. A working mother may be under constant pressure to perform at work while also caring for her family, whereas a stay-at-home mother may experience loneliness or loss of identity.
• Rather than comparing, we can cherish our differences. A working mother's ambition does not undermine a stay-at-home mother's dedication.
• We can choose to communicate with intention rather than making broad generalizations or criticisms. Instead of criticizing one another, choose encouragements and affirmations.
• Challenge our internalized misogyny in order to break the pattern of undermining behavior.

As women, we have endured countless injustices throughout history. We have struggled for the freedom to vote, work, and make personal decisions about our bodies. However, in our private lives, we frequently perpetuate oppressive systems. By undermining one another, we lose sight of the greater picture: the importance of togetherness and mutual support in a world that still questions our worth.

My argument with the stay-at-home mother served as a reminder of this truth. Despite our differing beliefs, we both wanted the best for our families. If we had approached the conversation with more empathy and less defensiveness, we could have discovered common ground. The lesson is clear: let us stop fighting and instead fight for one another. Only then can we create a world that respects every woman's decision and gives her voice a platform.

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Note: This post is inspired by @chris-chris92 post about women uplifting one another. For context, I am a stay-at-home mom too.

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