💜💜🎄🎄💜💜☃️☃️Mommy's Mental Health Chapter 68: - The 6 Sides of Christmas and a Serenity Prayer💜💜🎄🎄💜💜☃️☃️

There are two sides to this incredibly special and yet chaotically busy season of Christmas for me. Probably more than one side, more like 5 or 6... So many mixed emotions...

On the one hand, despite my first shopping expedition being an absolute disaster (which I learned from and thankfully recovered from very quickly) I planned my present wrapping, cooking, biscuit making, and shopping like a boss.

For my second round of Christmas shopping I put my pride in my pocket and asked for a wheelchair. This resulted in absolutely ZERO back pain and is actually inspiring me to actually buy one for myself. I also learned that I can stir recipes that need constant attention by using the gas stove and that regular sitting breaks when it is absolutely necessary to be on my feet is extremely important, and I managed to also make it through the Christmas cooking, besides stressful setbacks and things not going according to plan, on time and without any incidents that caused me to be bedridden. I was back pain-free and able to enjoy Christmas to the fullest with my children and my husband.

image source

Also, my UIf (government unemployment insurance fund - which is funded by the company you're employed by, and you contributing 1% of your income monthly, by law, to protect you in case of involuntary loss of work - eg retrenchment) finally paid out. A process that should have taken 6 weeks after losing my job at the hospital, but ended up taking a year and a half. I fought ridiculously hard fir this money and I honestly thought it would never come through. After endless hours on the phone for months and months and fighting with the online platform, which eventually collapsed, causing me to have to go BACK into the physical Labor Department Office, which is an excruciating experience of queuing that my back and knees cannot handle. It was only due to the kindness of strangers who helped me get up, and let me stand in the queue that got me to the front fastest, lent me a chair to sit on to get me off the pavement and the actually wonderful staff at the department office itself. They have a terrible job.

Me, Literally queuing from just before 5 am. The Offices are only open between 7h30 and 8 am.

Somehow though, this immensely delayed payment also ensured I had some money to spend on my loved ones this Christmas. So I guess the fates somehow had me covered and blessed.

Another side of the coin - a more emotional one - was the feeling of empty chairs.
![](
image source

I am so used to catering for and hosting a whole load of special guests, and this year it was just us 5. Look, there were incredible benefits to this including escape from distractions and chaos to concentrate on my immediate nuclear family - leading to an incredibly special, blessed, and intimate Christmas...

Go knows we desperately needed the time together as a family, in privacy to rest, relax, bond, create and express our love... and above all, rest together.

But then we swing back to the "empty chairs." Although there were no physical empty chairs at our table which left me with some form of contentment and closure, but there was still emptiness in my heart.

image source

With my father passed on, my mother had just left for the UK, and my sister still insisting that she wants nothing to do with what is left of our biological family, which includes Matthew (I spent much of November actually allowing myself to feel real grief for this, and came out with sadness but acceptance that this is one of those things that I have to accept that I cannot change).

I deeply miss our previous Christmas traditions of my sister and I wanting to throw tranquilizers in my mom's tea, fighting for kitchen space, and bickering at each other, and trying to hide from my mom how much we were all drinking, only to find her demolishing a bottle of chardonnay in the kitchen (my mother does not drink).

Also deeply missing my father's presence, even at that stage, as he had his stroke, two days before Christmas almost 8 years ago. I had even bought a Santa suit for my dad that Christmas, even though I was mad at him. I just thought we'd have more time, you know? Don't we all...But despite unexpected loss and chaos, my mother, sister and I still pulled off beautiful Christmases, year after year. And not having my sister around, especially since I've been putting off grieving this because I've had way too much to cope with, really hurt this year. I miss her terribly. I crap all over my mother for reaching out to her when she can, but this year, I couldn't help myself and reached out too... only to hit a wall of silence. It sort of gave me permission to move on though.

image source

The other sad thing is that I had to leave Matthew's cousin out this year after last year's display of disturbing and deceitful behavior which I know was influenced by her mother (who is a heroin addict and deeply manipulative). I had to decide whether or not to lock my bedroom door and suffer through long faces as she felt that I never did enough for her... as she counted presents: expecting to be treated exactly like one of my children. Of course, children don't see the bigger picture. And I know I can't blame her, but I can protect my family from that kind of manipulative, codependent, and completely abusive behavior from them. It still hurt me deeply to hang up her Christmas bauble without her. I was a troubled teen myself, so I realized the implications of my decision. I felt abandoned and unloved for so many reasons. But this was a hard decision I had to make for the sake of my own children.

All of that being said, just the 5 of us, meant the pressure was off. It was off both myself and @zakludick and it was picked up by the kids who also managed automatically relax and really get into the Christmas spirit with no major arguments at all. We just really enjoyed each other's company. It also meant we had more time, more energy and more money to invest in our immediate family. It was our first Christmas, just the 5 of us, and quite possibly our most special!